Dating Purgatory

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A year ago, I was on the cusp of beginning to navigate how to seriously date two women at the same time. One of whom, BG, I had already been dating for three months, non-exclusively. As I mentioned before, I met LF a year ago. And we were drawn to each other from the very beginning. Fast forward to now, BG and I are completely done, and LF is confusing me with her actions and words. I know I said I was going to try to not make this my “dating” blog again, but I have to have somewhere to put my thoughts about women I’m involved with or they’ll drive me crazy. I hung out with LF today. This after two days of not much texting back and forth, after spending two days together. I was surprised that she even agreed to come out with me today. She helped me pick out some new decorations for my apartment. She also sent me the second chapter of this novel she is currently working on. I can’t help but think she’s trying to tell me something through this story. The main character suspiciously sounds like her. In the second chapter, there’s a side character that has been dating a “perfect” guy (who is about to date the main character), for going on six months and yet she doesn’t know if she loves him or not. And in the story, the character questions whether there’s something wrong with that. When I sent the first of many dramatic break up emails after dating for 8 months, I told LF I was in love with her. And her reply was that she really cared about me, but she didn’t know if she was in love with me, and it was up to me whether I wanted to still be with someone who didn’t return the feelings. I don’t even know if I was really in love with her. I saw a future with her. I wanted to have a home with her. I potentially wanted to have kids with her. I wanted to take care of her. Is that love? I still want those things with her.

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LF’s holding back so much though. I can feel it. Not really physically, but emotionally and verbally I think she is holding back a lot. And I hate how that feels. It feels like how things were with BG when we first started dating. And I was ready to stop dating BG after three months of it. But BG and I talked things through and continued dating until we realized that as long as LF was in my life, BG would never be my main woman. I had to learn how to let go of BG. And I didn’t do it very gracefully. Fuck, I still want her in my life, but I know I can’t have her in my life if I’m going to be with LF. Hell, part of me wants LF to completely cut ties with me, so that I can be friends with BG again. LF and I don’t talk about our feelings about us and what we’re doing. We never had to. It was always so natural. Now things are up in the air because of everything that’s happened, and I am beginning to lose faith that things will ever be the same between us. Is it because I’m impatient? How much longer does she need? It’s been going on four months since I told her I needed a break. Then I told her I wanted to break up with her. I was fucked up. I was in love with two women at the same time. And I had no idea what to do. We’re still in each other’s lives after all of that. She’s still agreeing to see me on a very regular basis. We’re making future plans. I just need to hear it from her though. Just the words, “I am willing to give you another chance.” That’s all. That would put all my insecurities to rest I think. That’s too much to ask though. After everything I put her through, I have no right to ask her of anything right now. So this is where I’ll be. In this purgatory of dating until I am deemed worthy of the pearly gates or banished to the depths of hell.

My insecurities are saying that I’m going to be re instating all my online dating profiles by New Year’s Eve. As much as I want to be with LF, if things continue to feel the way they are now, I can’t continue in this purgatory. I cannot. I feel like I have paid my dues already, and if she can’t see and feel that I am sincerely repentant of my past actions there’s nothing more I can do.

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Feeling Awkward and Over Thinking

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Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday weekend with their loved ones, instead of working their asses off. I really feel for the retail people who have to work during holidays. I wish the whole country would shut down for a couple days of the year. Thanksgiving and Christmas, for example. I think everyone deserves a couple of days off, at least.

I spent Thanksgiving with my lady friend as planned. She came over on Wednesday after work, and I took her home on Friday. This was definitely the longest we’ve been together since the break up. It was good, but there wasn’t much conversation between the two of us. This was an issue when things were good between us also. We vibe well in  silence, so that’s a really good thing because I know silence isn’t comfortable with everyone. But we also don’t seem to have much conversation flow between us, which could be a residual effect of the break up. Although even before the break up, there were times when I felt like we didn’t have much to talk about. And now it’s happening again, and I don’t even know what to think about it now. She’s been pretty silent since Friday too. I wish she would just tell me what she’s thinking. I wish we could talk this through together. I wish we could figure it out together. She never wants to talk about it. So I’m left, over thinking everything. Whenever she gets non communicative these days, I start thinking she’s having second thoughts about getting involved with me. And I may very well be right. And I can’t blame her for having second thoughts about getting involved with me.

I don’t know how long I can continue this with her. I’m not happy with this situation. I either want to continue all in with her, or just get out now. It’s been over three months now since I broke up with her. This weekend was our one year anniversary of meeting each other. Unfortunately, we couldn’t celebrate any thing that’s happened between us. Things are feeling awkward again for me I think. Because I don’t know what this is that we’re doing. I wish I knew. I wish she could just trust me again. I’ve done everything that I could to show her I want her back. I don’t know what else I can do.

But we did have a rather romantic Thanksgiving together and spent almost 48 hours together. She woke me up with sex every morning. She’s the only partner I’ve ever had that does this. I LOVE being woken up with sex. She does a wonderful job. Sadly, she was on her period, so she didn’t want me to return the favor. So, I’m probably over thinking all of this, and everything is pointing towards her slowly trusting me again. I can’t rush this. I shouldn’t rush this. It took us 7 months to become exclusive… I’m scared to think how long it’s going to take to regain her trust. Fuck. All because I couldn’t decide whether I really wanted to be with her. Fuck overthinking.

On Race and Aspirations

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I came across the above post on my Tumblr and just had to post it on my blog. I’ve found such great comfort and peace after coming across other people’s stories through blogs. I started blogging about two years ago, and it’s become an addiction of sorts. If I don’t blog for awhile, I feel the need to. I don’t know anyone who reads my blog personally, so I’m humbled when people want to follow my story. Writing has helped me sort through events of my personal life. Well, mostly dating life, since that has played a major role in my life recently. I’m going to try to not let this new blog be all about my dating life. I want to write about my thoughts on current events and pop culture and OTHER events in my life that aren’t about women. Things may settle down with the obsessive posts anyway, depending on what happens with the LF. I feel like things are definitely looking up with her, although I do have pockets of insecurity here and there. Sometimes I get the feeling that she’s pushing me away, trying to insulate herself from me. It’s like she doesn’t want to show me that she’s all in like before. And I get that for now. But I still have to deal with it, and swallow my insecurity.

The Ferguson Ruling just came through. The whole issue of police brutality is saddening and depressing. There are so many instances of it even since the Ferguson shootings. Story after story of young black people being shot because of trigger happy police officers. There is something wrong with our system. There is something wrong with how we view and deal with race. I don’t know the solution. I don’t think I see race. I really don’t. I may have stereotypes about race, but when I look at someone, I don’t see their race. I never think of that as a good descriptor of someone. It may have something to growing up in a pretty diverse environment. I grew up in an Asian country, but went to an international school. My world was a mix of people from all over the world, and it actually is an awesome place for a kid to grow up in. So when people bring up the topic of race and how injustices happen to people every day because of their race, I wish everyone had grown up in the environment I did. When do people develop these deep-rooted beliefs that lead to stupid choices? At what age?? We need to figure this out to stop the cycle. Or more young black people are going to continue dying.

But then I think, what can I personally do about this? I don’t feel like I can really do anything about this. What could I possibly do to help this problem? Go out and protest? I love how people are protesting and shutting down bridges and tunnels in NYC. But what’s that going to solve? Besides get a little attention. And then after a few weeks, a new story will take its place. It depresses me to know that I am a peon in the system. I don’t have these grand plans to change the world. I admire people who want to change the world. I just want to survive the world. And it’s selfish. And hedonistic. But I try to be kind. I try to spread good in my life. I don’t have any religion. But I do try to be a good person. I think that’s really all I can do. And there are people out there I’m sure that would say I’m lazy and apathetic. If I want to do something, I need to get off my ass and get out there. But honestly, I have a pretty good life. And I help the people in my life. And I do what I can to make things better. That’s all one really can do with limited resources.

Foolish and Selfish Thoughts

LF called our dinner the other night a “date”! It made me so happy that she used that word. She hasn’t used “date” to refer to our hangouts in more than three months. I didn’t make a big deal of it, but it was definitely duly noted in my book. She also came over the next night for a sleepover. I wonder if we’re ever going to have to have a conversation about what we’re doing to make it “official”. Or it’ll just naturally morph into back “dating” again, and three months down the line it’ll just be assumed. I’d prefer to have a concrete conversation about it, but I royally suck at having conversations like that. And I think she shies away from conversations like that. As long as she continues being open to going on “dates” with me and having sleepovers, I think I can be content with that. I’ve been going above and beyond doing my cute girlfriend duties. I know I’m in the dog house with her, and I am working my hardest to show her that things have changed.

My good friend is in the same situation I put LF through, except a heterosexual relationship. And she’s the one that was (emotionally) cheated on, so basically in LF’s position. It’s interesting how my friend’s boyfriend is NOT bending over backwards to get out of the doghouse. Either he’s super dense, super stubborn, or maybe it’s a male/female thing? I would do ANYTHING for LF right now. All she has to do is ask, or she doesn’t even have to ask. I’ve done quite a bit for her lately. Taken her shopping, taken her out for nice dinners, taken her laundry to get done, etc. I just want her to know that I am all in this time. I hope that she can see this. I think she does. I can still see her holding back. She’s not completely all in yet. And well warranted. I do feel lucky and blessed that she’s still talking to me.

I can see a definite future with LF. When I was dating both LF and BG, I always saw more of a future with LF. That should have been the first clue. I always thought about LF first, over BG. At first, I never really saw much of a future with BG, mostly because she hadn’t finished school yet. Towards the end I could see one, but too much had happened between us. We had some sort of intense connection that kept us coming back to each other. I really do believe I was in love with both of them. I really wanted it to be BG because she was exciting and adventurous. I continue to look her up stalk her on Facebook. I don’t even know why I do this. She stopped writing in her blog, so I can’t see what she’s up to through that, which is probably a good thing. I know that if she reached out, I most likely would be unable to ignore her. So I hope she doesn’t because I know if I open up lines of communication with her again, LF and I are completely over, and the last 3 months will have been for shit. I wouldn’t be talking to BG because I want to get back together with her. But I don’t think LF would understand or trust that connection ever again. I don’t know if I should even trust myself with her. I’m still attracted to BG. I know now that I hurt her in a million ways, and she deserves the chance to find someone that will give her what she wants/needs because she wasted a year and a half of her life with me. And me reaching out just to be friends is an absolutely foolish and selfish thing to do. Foolish because it would jeopardize my chance with LF and selfish because BG never wanted to be ‘just friends’ with me.

It still boggles my mind to this day that BG saw me as a life partner. I often got the feeling when we were dating that I wasn’t that important to her. The lack of physical affection and lack of verbal interest on her part threw me off all the time. And that was the awkwardness and uncomfortable vibe that we felt I think. I never knew how to act around her because I didn’t know if she was mad or indifferent towards me. I would bring these things up with her, and she would always come back with, “But I’m talking to you, aren’t I? If I wasn’t interested in you, I wouldn’t be talking to you. I wouldn’t be hanging out with you.” I never really had a rebuttal to that even though it still didn’t feel right. And I didn’t want to beg for her to be more affectionate or tell me that she was looking forward to seeing me. Or that she missed me. You shouldn’t have to ask for that from your partner. But she made me feel like there was nothing wrong with what she was doing and everything wrong with what I was doing. And I hated that. Towards the end of our time together, things were good. Although having to juggle BG and LF was taking a toll on me. And BG seemed to be constantly annoyed about how much time I was spending with LF. I don’t even know why I’m going down memory lane right now. It’s been 5 months now. I think I just have to keep reminding myself that through it all, LF has been the obstacle between BG and I. And since LF seems to be willing to give me another chance, BG and I never will have a chance.

The physical affection piece between LF and I is definitely back on. She initiated sex right away last night. Felt so good to be connected to her in that way again. Verbally though, I can still sense her holding back. She hasn’t called me “babe” yet. She used to call me that all the time. I loved it when she did. She doesn’t tell me she misses me. She doesn’t send me sexy pics. Although she asked me what I wanted for Christmas the other day. And she texts me good night and good morning. She kissed me good bye this morning and told me to have a good weekend. I don’t like not seeing her for days. Or not knowing when I’m going to see her next. I’m afraid of what her friends think of me. I really think she doesn’t want to tell her friends she’s seeing me again. I don’t even know what I’m going to say to her friends if I ever see them again. It’s awkward! I already had to have an awkward hang out with her friends when the big fight happened between LF and BG and everyone was there to see it. I apologized and everyone was finally ok about it. And now this. I highly doubt I’ll ever see the one set of friends again. My favorite set. Although, they haven’t unfriended me from Facebook. So we’ll see. I may be getting way too ahead of myself.

 

Kissing her again

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This is my general attitude. I like being out, especially when it’s warm out. Now that it’s getting frigid in these parts, it’s curbing my need to be out. This is the one thing that I don’t have in common with LF. I wonder if that’s a deal breaker. I feel like that was what I was feeling towards the end of the summer when I decided to break up with LF. I had felt like a whole summer had been wasted because she didn’t seem to want to go out or do anything. And I had missed out on a summer of fun with BG because she was always ready to do anything. I realized though after re-connecting with BG for a little bit that you can’t replace a natural connection with someone. You can’t force one. And having that natural connection someone is the best thing in the world.

I have that connection with LF. After everything I’ve done to her. We still connect. She seems to be very open to giving me another chance. We spent the whole day together on Sunday. This is the most time we’ve spent together since September. I took her shopping this weekend. Dropped quite a lot of money on her. I came across an article today talking about how some people spend close to $20,000 a year in dating expenses. I can kind of understand how that could happen. But, I want her to know how sorry I am about everything that has happened. And in my mind what happened was going to take more than just a couple bouquets of flowers. She could be using me. But I don’t think she’s that type of person. She said no one has even taken her shopping. That’s kind of sad to me. To think that no one she’s ever dated has ever thought to take her shopping. I know she has dated a ton of people and has been in love with a few I’m sure. No one took her shopping? That’s sad. We had a nice make out session at the end of the day. I can’t tell you how long I’ve been thinking about kissing her again.

We’re pretty much back to our regular level of physical affection now. She hasn’t let me stay over at her place yet, so we’re not having a ton of sex yet, but it’s slowly getting there I think. I love being out with her. I love that we hold hands and kiss in public. Not all the time, but enough to let everyone know we are together. I asked her to come over tomorrow night, which would be another first for us. Given that our first sleepover was almost two weeks ago, I am craving to sleep with her again. Not even to have sex, but just to sleep. I love sleeping with someone I like. Cuddling up with her. Now that the physical barrier has been broken between us, I won’t be hesitant to cuddle with her like I was the last time. I didn’t know where we were at that point. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, and she wasn’t making any moves towards me at first. That drove BG crazy. My hesitancy to making moves on her. I never felt like she desired me. I never felt like she was truly attracted to me. I thought I was being pretty overt about my intentions towards her. I would get as physically close to her as I could, but she never responded the same way. LF and I have an amazing physical connection. She is the first woman I have been with who was literally dripping wet for me. I mean, how do you walk away from that?

So while I may still think about BG and may continue to think about her for awhile, I can’t walk away from LF. I can’t give our connection up. I never intended to give our connection up. And I really hope we can get back on track soon. My mind is most definitely still one tracked. Consumed with trying to get back in LF’s good graces.

Exaholics Anonymous

I came across an interesting website today. Basically an ExAholic’s Anonymous type group. A little bit coincidental since I’ve found my thoughts drawn towards BG and our times together. I don’t necessarily think I’m an ExAholic though. I may have been in those first few months of the break up. I may have even joined the damn site if I had found it back then. I haven’t spoken nor seen “the ex” for two and a half months. She’s initiated contact twice, and I haven’t responded. Been broken up for about five months now. My life has not come to a complete standstill because of her. My relationship with LF is blossoming again. We’re definitely spending Thanksgiving together. She asked me if I would take her shopping this weekend. Made me happy to know she’s comfortable asking me for something again. I am still head over heels for LF, even though we’ve also been broken up for about three months now. She’s just recently started to show physical affection towards me again, and I can’t get enough of it. And yet, BG still crosses my mind. How long will she linger? It really doesn’t help that she lives quite close to where I work, so every day I go to work, I’m reminded of her. At least the universe has stopped putting major reminders of her in my life. The one major reminder being randomly having dinner with LF across the way from her and her new date. I still can’t believe that happened. I think that may have been what spurred LF’s I need space email. Having to be reminded of the reason why I broke up with her, sitting right in front of her on her birthday.

If I’m completely honest about my time with LF and BG, I constantly and consistently chose LF over BG. I bent over backwards to help LF, and when BG asked me for help, I told her I couldn’t help her, not because I didn’t want to, but because I was busy helping LF for a long time. It’s really amazing we lasted as long as we did, BG and I. She’s a beautiful woman, one I just could not handle. And I am happy that she and I re-connected and had an on-off relationship for ten months. She taught me a lot about being in a relationship and myself. But in the end, I couldn’t tell her that I’d cut ties with LF, but I am perfectly ok cutting off ties with BG for LF. BG constantly told me that I wanted LF more than her. She always seemed to be pushing me towards LF. I never wanted to admit it to her. At first I wanted it to be her. I wanted our communication styles and physical affection styles to match, so that there wasn’t this awkwardness between us. I very selfishly didn’t want to let her go because I loved dating two women at the same time. And I wanted to truly see if BG and I could work through our issues, but LF was constantly in the background. The bottom line was that in terms of a long term relationship, I saw it with LF, not her. So she will forever be an ex, and never a friend because of the way I treated her.

I think I have finally forgiven myself for being a very terrible human being towards BG. And I’m ready to start things fresh with LF. It will be fitting that Thanksgiving will mark a year since we’ve known each other. Not sure what kind of anniversary it will mark. Happy one year of dating and breaking up and dating again? I feel like I’ve known her much longer than a year. I keep thinking I need to prepare myself in the event that she decides that she needs space again, but then, I never know how to prepare against that. It still hurts. And I hope it doesn’t happen, but if it does, I’ll deal with it as gracefully as I can.

Maybe I’ll join that site. haha.

 

Delusional thoughts running awry

Life is annoying sometimes. Just when you think things are going well financially, you get another blow in the gut. I lost a day of tutoring. Cuts my play money in half. And while I know I should not at all be complaining about what I make, I hate having to be on a budget. Sometimes I wish I had a sugar mama. I’ve always been the one who made more money in all my relationships. I wonder why that is. Do I purposely go for women that need my help? Am I attracted to women whom I can help?

I’ve found my thoughts continually drawn towards the former lady I was involved with. Let’s call her BG. I’ve been stalking her on Facebook. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. I know she thinks about me also. I know she checks my other blog almost daily (one of the reasons why I switched addresses). I wouldn’t even know what to say to her at this point. I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about her. But I know now that I don’t want to be with her as much as I want to be with LF. This is what stops me from contacting her. I can’t give her what she wants. My connection with LF is so much more easy and fluid. Even after everything we’ve been through, LF and I are natural together. Our attraction pulsates off us. I met up with LF a couple nights ago for dinner. She let me kiss her at the beginning and end of our “hangout”. It was so comfortable. I didn’t feel that way with BG at first. The physical part of the relationship didn’t get hot until right before I met LF. As much as she swore up and down that I was the cause of this awkwardness because I never made the first move, it wasn’t about making any sort of move. It was about the physical closeness of being with someone. BG would always ask me why I was complaining about her not showing me physical affection, when I was the one not showing her any. I’m sure if the physical part of my relationship with BG had been as good as with LF, BG and I would be in an exclusive relationship now. I would never have gone out looking for someone else three months into dating her. But I did, and then I met LF. And BG and I tried to make it work between us, but all the lies and broken trust were just too much for our new poly/exclusive relationship to heal. I say poly/exclusive because I never knew for sure which one BG wanted. From the moment we met, BG professed to be poly, but then when I wanted to try being poly, she seemed to want to make sure there was a clear cut hierarchy, which didn’t feel poly at all to me. And because I was new to the whole poly thing and being super open and communicative about everything, I fucked up a lot. There still is attraction between us and probably forever will be, which is why we both had a hard time walking away from each other, but the trust had been shattered and shattered again because I continued to hold onto LF. All of this to say, I miss her. I haven’t talked to her in almost three months now. And even though I know I don’t deserve to ever talk to her again, I want to know how she’s doing. I’d love to see her. Be friends with her. Although, not sure LF would be very keen on that idea, which sucks. I had to pick which woman to be with and completely give up the other one. And I still picked LF in the end.

LF and I are texting rather heavily now. I want to talk to her about what’s going on, but I don’t want to push her into making any sort of decision right now. She’s doing exactly what she should be doing to show me that she’s open to possibly dating again. I don’t need to ask more of her. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing too much. I don’t want to scare her away again. Sometimes I still wonder if she will ever be able to trust me again. Every time I hang out with her though, I feel like she’s opening up a little more again. I hope it’s not my delusional thoughts running awry. My school friend mentioned she has a hot gay sister that she’s trying to hook up. I can’t say that I wasn’t interested. I miss meeting new women! I have to spend most of the weekend home doing work, so won’t have the opportunity to meet this “hot sister”. Which is probably wise for now. I know LF and I are not in any sort of relationship now, but I feel like if I go out looking for others, and she found out about it, it would not help my case of winning her back.But, it can just be as friends too. I need gay women friends! Or so I keep telling myself.