Delusional thoughts running awry

Life is annoying sometimes. Just when you think things are going well financially, you get another blow in the gut. I lost a day of tutoring. Cuts my play money in half. And while I know I should not at all be complaining about what I make, I hate having to be on a budget. Sometimes I wish I had a sugar mama. I’ve always been the one who made more money in all my relationships. I wonder why that is. Do I purposely go for women that need my help? Am I attracted to women whom I can help?

I’ve found my thoughts continually drawn towards the former lady I was involved with. Let’s call her BG. I’ve been stalking her on Facebook. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. I know she thinks about me also. I know she checks my other blog almost daily (one of the reasons why I switched addresses). I wouldn’t even know what to say to her at this point. I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about her. But I know now that I don’t want to be with her as much as I want to be with LF. This is what stops me from contacting her. I can’t give her what she wants. My connection with LF is so much more easy and fluid. Even after everything we’ve been through, LF and I are natural together. Our attraction pulsates off us. I met up with LF a couple nights ago for dinner. She let me kiss her at the beginning and end of our “hangout”. It was so comfortable. I didn’t feel that way with BG at first. The physical part of the relationship didn’t get hot until right before I met LF. As much as she swore up and down that I was the cause of this awkwardness because I never made the first move, it wasn’t about making any sort of move. It was about the physical closeness of being with someone. BG would always ask me why I was complaining about her not showing me physical affection, when I was the one not showing her any. I’m sure if the physical part of my relationship with BG had been as good as with LF, BG and I would be in an exclusive relationship now. I would never have gone out looking for someone else three months into dating her. But I did, and then I met LF. And BG and I tried to make it work between us, but all the lies and broken trust were just too much for our new poly/exclusive relationship to heal. I say poly/exclusive because I never knew for sure which one BG wanted. From the moment we met, BG professed to be poly, but then when I wanted to try being poly, she seemed to want to make sure there was a clear cut hierarchy, which didn’t feel poly at all to me. And because I was new to the whole poly thing and being super open and communicative about everything, I fucked up a lot. There still is attraction between us and probably forever will be, which is why we both had a hard time walking away from each other, but the trust had been shattered and shattered again because I continued to hold onto LF. All of this to say, I miss her. I haven’t talked to her in almost three months now. And even though I know I don’t deserve to ever talk to her again, I want to know how she’s doing. I’d love to see her. Be friends with her. Although, not sure LF would be very keen on that idea, which sucks. I had to pick which woman to be with and completely give up the other one. And I still picked LF in the end.

LF and I are texting rather heavily now. I want to talk to her about what’s going on, but I don’t want to push her into making any sort of decision right now. She’s doing exactly what she should be doing to show me that she’s open to possibly dating again. I don’t need to ask more of her. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing too much. I don’t want to scare her away again. Sometimes I still wonder if she will ever be able to trust me again. Every time I hang out with her though, I feel like she’s opening up a little more again. I hope it’s not my delusional thoughts running awry. My school friend mentioned she has a hot gay sister that she’s trying to hook up. I can’t say that I wasn’t interested. I miss meeting new women! I have to spend most of the weekend home doing work, so won’t have the opportunity to meet this “hot sister”. Which is probably wise for now. I know LF and I are not in any sort of relationship now, but I feel like if I go out looking for others, and she found out about it, it would not help my case of winning her back.But, it can just be as friends too. I need gay women friends! Or so I keep telling myself.

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