I came across an interesting website today. Basically an ExAholic’s Anonymous type group. A little bit coincidental since I’ve found my thoughts drawn towards BG and our times together. I don’t necessarily think I’m an ExAholic though. I may have been in those first few months of the break up. I may have even joined the damn site if I had found it back then. I haven’t spoken nor seen “the ex” for two and a half months. She’s initiated contact twice, and I haven’t responded. Been broken up for about five months now. My life has not come to a complete standstill because of her. My relationship with LF is blossoming again. We’re definitely spending Thanksgiving together. She asked me if I would take her shopping this weekend. Made me happy to know she’s comfortable asking me for something again. I am still head over heels for LF, even though we’ve also been broken up for about three months now. She’s just recently started to show physical affection towards me again, and I can’t get enough of it. And yet, BG still crosses my mind. How long will she linger? It really doesn’t help that she lives quite close to where I work, so every day I go to work, I’m reminded of her. At least the universe has stopped putting major reminders of her in my life. The one major reminder being randomly having dinner with LF across the way from her and her new date. I still can’t believe that happened. I think that may have been what spurred LF’s I need space email. Having to be reminded of the reason why I broke up with her, sitting right in front of her on her birthday.
If I’m completely honest about my time with LF and BG, I constantly and consistently chose LF over BG. I bent over backwards to help LF, and when BG asked me for help, I told her I couldn’t help her, not because I didn’t want to, but because I was busy helping LF for a long time. It’s really amazing we lasted as long as we did, BG and I. She’s a beautiful woman, one I just could not handle. And I am happy that she and I re-connected and had an on-off relationship for ten months. She taught me a lot about being in a relationship and myself. But in the end, I couldn’t tell her that I’d cut ties with LF, but I am perfectly ok cutting off ties with BG for LF. BG constantly told me that I wanted LF more than her. She always seemed to be pushing me towards LF. I never wanted to admit it to her. At first I wanted it to be her. I wanted our communication styles and physical affection styles to match, so that there wasn’t this awkwardness between us. I very selfishly didn’t want to let her go because I loved dating two women at the same time. And I wanted to truly see if BG and I could work through our issues, but LF was constantly in the background. The bottom line was that in terms of a long term relationship, I saw it with LF, not her. So she will forever be an ex, and never a friend because of the way I treated her.
I think I have finally forgiven myself for being a very terrible human being towards BG. And I’m ready to start things fresh with LF. It will be fitting that Thanksgiving will mark a year since we’ve known each other. Not sure what kind of anniversary it will mark. Happy one year of dating and breaking up and dating again? I feel like I’ve known her much longer than a year. I keep thinking I need to prepare myself in the event that she decides that she needs space again, but then, I never know how to prepare against that. It still hurts. And I hope it doesn’t happen, but if it does, I’ll deal with it as gracefully as I can.
Maybe I’ll join that site. haha.