Foolish and Selfish Thoughts

LF called our dinner the other night a “date”! It made me so happy that she used that word. She hasn’t used “date” to refer to our hangouts in more than three months. I didn’t make a big deal of it, but it was definitely duly noted in my book. She also came over the next night for a sleepover. I wonder if we’re ever going to have to have a conversation about what we’re doing to make it “official”. Or it’ll just naturally morph into back “dating” again, and three months down the line it’ll just be assumed. I’d prefer to have a concrete conversation about it, but I royally suck at having conversations like that. And I think she shies away from conversations like that. As long as she continues being open to going on “dates” with me and having sleepovers, I think I can be content with that. I’ve been going above and beyond doing my cute girlfriend duties. I know I’m in the dog house with her, and I am working my hardest to show her that things have changed.

My good friend is in the same situation I put LF through, except a heterosexual relationship. And she’s the one that was (emotionally) cheated on, so basically in LF’s position. It’s interesting how my friend’s boyfriend is NOT bending over backwards to get out of the doghouse. Either he’s super dense, super stubborn, or maybe it’s a male/female thing? I would do ANYTHING for LF right now. All she has to do is ask, or she doesn’t even have to ask. I’ve done quite a bit for her lately. Taken her shopping, taken her out for nice dinners, taken her laundry to get done, etc. I just want her to know that I am all in this time. I hope that she can see this. I think she does. I can still see her holding back. She’s not completely all in yet. And well warranted. I do feel lucky and blessed that she’s still talking to me.

I can see a definite future with LF. When I was dating both LF and BG, I always saw more of a future with LF. That should have been the first clue. I always thought about LF first, over BG. At first, I never really saw much of a future with BG, mostly because she hadn’t finished school yet. Towards the end I could see one, but too much had happened between us. We had some sort of intense connection that kept us coming back to each other. I really do believe I was in love with both of them. I really wanted it to be BG because she was exciting and adventurous. I continue to look her up stalk her on Facebook. I don’t even know why I do this. She stopped writing in her blog, so I can’t see what she’s up to through that, which is probably a good thing. I know that if she reached out, I most likely would be unable to ignore her. So I hope she doesn’t because I know if I open up lines of communication with her again, LF and I are completely over, and the last 3 months will have been for shit. I wouldn’t be talking to BG because I want to get back together with her. But I don’t think LF would understand or trust that connection ever again. I don’t know if I should even trust myself with her. I’m still attracted to BG. I know now that I hurt her in a million ways, and she deserves the chance to find someone that will give her what she wants/needs because she wasted a year and a half of her life with me. And me reaching out just to be friends is an absolutely foolish and selfish thing to do. Foolish because it would jeopardize my chance with LF and selfish because BG never wanted to be ‘just friends’ with me.

It still boggles my mind to this day that BG saw me as a life partner. I often got the feeling when we were dating that I wasn’t that important to her. The lack of physical affection and lack of verbal interest on her part threw me off all the time. And that was the awkwardness and uncomfortable vibe that we felt I think. I never knew how to act around her because I didn’t know if she was mad or indifferent towards me. I would bring these things up with her, and she would always come back with, “But I’m talking to you, aren’t I? If I wasn’t interested in you, I wouldn’t be talking to you. I wouldn’t be hanging out with you.” I never really had a rebuttal to that even though it still didn’t feel right. And I didn’t want to beg for her to be more affectionate or tell me that she was looking forward to seeing me. Or that she missed me. You shouldn’t have to ask for that from your partner. But she made me feel like there was nothing wrong with what she was doing and everything wrong with what I was doing. And I hated that. Towards the end of our time together, things were good. Although having to juggle BG and LF was taking a toll on me. And BG seemed to be constantly annoyed about how much time I was spending with LF. I don’t even know why I’m going down memory lane right now. It’s been 5 months now. I think I just have to keep reminding myself that through it all, LF has been the obstacle between BG and I. And since LF seems to be willing to give me another chance, BG and I never will have a chance.

The physical affection piece between LF and I is definitely back on. She initiated sex right away last night. Felt so good to be connected to her in that way again. Verbally though, I can still sense her holding back. She hasn’t called me “babe” yet. She used to call me that all the time. I loved it when she did. She doesn’t tell me she misses me. She doesn’t send me sexy pics. Although she asked me what I wanted for Christmas the other day. And she texts me good night and good morning. She kissed me good bye this morning and told me to have a good weekend. I don’t like not seeing her for days. Or not knowing when I’m going to see her next. I’m afraid of what her friends think of me. I really think she doesn’t want to tell her friends she’s seeing me again. I don’t even know what I’m going to say to her friends if I ever see them again. It’s awkward! I already had to have an awkward hang out with her friends when the big fight happened between LF and BG and everyone was there to see it. I apologized and everyone was finally ok about it. And now this. I highly doubt I’ll ever see the one set of friends again. My favorite set. Although, they haven’t unfriended me from Facebook. So we’ll see. I may be getting way too ahead of myself.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s