Feeling Awkward and Over Thinking

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Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday weekend with their loved ones, instead of working their asses off. I really feel for the retail people who have to work during holidays. I wish the whole country would shut down for a couple days of the year. Thanksgiving and Christmas, for example. I think everyone deserves a couple of days off, at least.

I spent Thanksgiving with my lady friend as planned. She came over on Wednesday after work, and I took her home on Friday. This was definitely the longest we’ve been together since the break up. It was good, but there wasn’t much conversation between the two of us. This was an issue when things were good between us also. We vibe well in  silence, so that’s a really good thing because I know silence isn’t comfortable with everyone. But we also don’t seem to have much conversation flow between us, which could be a residual effect of the break up. Although even before the break up, there were times when I felt like we didn’t have much to talk about. And now it’s happening again, and I don’t even know what to think about it now. She’s been pretty silent since Friday too. I wish she would just tell me what she’s thinking. I wish we could talk this through together. I wish we could figure it out together. She never wants to talk about it. So I’m left, over thinking everything. Whenever she gets non communicative these days, I start thinking she’s having second thoughts about getting involved with me. And I may very well be right. And I can’t blame her for having second thoughts about getting involved with me.

I don’t know how long I can continue this with her. I’m not happy with this situation. I either want to continue all in with her, or just get out now. It’s been over three months now since I broke up with her. This weekend was our one year anniversary of meeting each other. Unfortunately, we couldn’t celebrate any thing that’s happened between us. Things are feeling awkward again for me I think. Because I don’t know what this is that we’re doing. I wish I knew. I wish she could just trust me again. I’ve done everything that I could to show her I want her back. I don’t know what else I can do.

But we did have a rather romantic Thanksgiving together and spent almost 48 hours together. She woke me up with sex every morning. She’s the only partner I’ve ever had that does this. I LOVE being woken up with sex. She does a wonderful job. Sadly, she was on her period, so she didn’t want me to return the favor. So, I’m probably over thinking all of this, and everything is pointing towards her slowly trusting me again. I can’t rush this. I shouldn’t rush this. It took us 7 months to become exclusive… I’m scared to think how long it’s going to take to regain her trust. Fuck. All because I couldn’t decide whether I really wanted to be with her. Fuck overthinking.

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