Dating Purgatory

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A year ago, I was on the cusp of beginning to navigate how to seriously date two women at the same time. One of whom, BG, I had already been dating for three months, non-exclusively. As I mentioned before, I met LF a year ago. And we were drawn to each other from the very beginning. Fast forward to now, BG and I are completely done, and LF is confusing me with her actions and words. I know I said I was going to try to not make this my “dating” blog again, but I have to have somewhere to put my thoughts about women I’m involved with or they’ll drive me crazy. I hung out with LF today. This after two days of not much texting back and forth, after spending two days together. I was surprised that she even agreed to come out with me today. She helped me pick out some new decorations for my apartment. She also sent me the second chapter of this novel she is currently working on. I can’t help but think she’s trying to tell me something through this story. The main character suspiciously sounds like her. In the second chapter, there’s a side character that has been dating a “perfect” guy (who is about to date the main character), for going on six months and yet she doesn’t know if she loves him or not. And in the story, the character questions whether there’s something wrong with that. When I sent the first of many dramatic break up emails after dating for 8 months, I told LF I was in love with her. And her reply was that she really cared about me, but she didn’t know if she was in love with me, and it was up to me whether I wanted to still be with someone who didn’t return the feelings. I don’t even know if I was really in love with her. I saw a future with her. I wanted to have a home with her. I potentially wanted to have kids with her. I wanted to take care of her. Is that love? I still want those things with her.

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LF’s holding back so much though. I can feel it. Not really physically, but emotionally and verbally I think she is holding back a lot. And I hate how that feels. It feels like how things were with BG when we first started dating. And I was ready to stop dating BG after three months of it. But BG and I talked things through and continued dating until we realized that as long as LF was in my life, BG would never be my main woman. I had to learn how to let go of BG. And I didn’t do it very gracefully. Fuck, I still want her in my life, but I know I can’t have her in my life if I’m going to be with LF. Hell, part of me wants LF to completely cut ties with me, so that I can be friends with BG again. LF and I don’t talk about our feelings about us and what we’re doing. We never had to. It was always so natural. Now things are up in the air because of everything that’s happened, and I am beginning to lose faith that things will ever be the same between us. Is it because I’m impatient? How much longer does she need? It’s been going on four months since I told her I needed a break. Then I told her I wanted to break up with her. I was fucked up. I was in love with two women at the same time. And I had no idea what to do. We’re still in each other’s lives after all of that. She’s still agreeing to see me on a very regular basis. We’re making future plans. I just need to hear it from her though. Just the words, “I am willing to give you another chance.” That’s all. That would put all my insecurities to rest I think. That’s too much to ask though. After everything I put her through, I have no right to ask her of anything right now. So this is where I’ll be. In this purgatory of dating until I am deemed worthy of the pearly gates or banished to the depths of hell.

My insecurities are saying that I’m going to be re instating all my online dating profiles by New Year’s Eve. As much as I want to be with LF, if things continue to feel the way they are now, I can’t continue in this purgatory. I cannot. I feel like I have paid my dues already, and if she can’t see and feel that I am sincerely repentant of my past actions there’s nothing more I can do.

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