Dating Blitz 2015: CANCELLED

As much as I was looking forward to dating and meeting up with women in the new year, I have decided to not pursue meeting up with new people quite yet. I will keep my profiles open, but I will only respond to people. I will not be actively looking for anyone, while trying to prove to BG that things could work between us.

I’m finally back at my own apartment after spending a week in the Midwest. I ended up seeing PhD one more time before I left. She invited me over to her friend’s place that she was crashing at, and of course, we hooked up. Which was what I had hoped would happen. I’m not going to apologize for this. I love women and their bodies. And if I’m single and the opportunity arises, I am going to be all over that opportunity. PhD and I have some amazing chemistry, and it really is a sad fact that we will most likely never be living in the same city. I am extremely attracted to her, and it seems completely mutual. We got it on for what seemed like hours, and it was pretty damn amazing. When I left, I got the feeling that PhD wanted more than I was able to give her. She started calling me babe and was already making plans to come see me in February. So when I got home last night, I sent her a very open and honest text about everything that was happening in my life. I told her that while it was true that I was single right now, I was trying to get back together with an ex. She responded quite well to the text, so I feel relieved that she knows what’s going on. I don’t know if I should continue to be in touch with her as much as I would like to. She seems to be an amazing woman. I was taken off guard by meeting someone like her in the Midwest. But timing’s a bastard, and I know that if BG were to give me another chance, I would take it in a heartbeat.

However, life is funny and a bitch sometimes. Maybe by February BG and I will be completely over. Who the fuck knows. It’s annoying how it’s rare that timing and chemistry work out with people you meet. Either you connect seamlessly, but the timing is off. Or the timing is right, and there’s no chemistry. Why can’t they ever line up perfectly???

Being open and honest has been a problem my whole life. I do tend to hide or omit details that I think might either hurt people or cause them to feel some kind of way. I know this about myself, and I’m working hard to change it. It has been a strange feeling being completely open and honest with people I care about. I know that makes me sound super sketchy, but I think we all struggle with being completely vulnerable with someone. I just struggle with it a lot more than others probably.

LF responded by email to the card I sent her. She said that she still missed me, and that I had no idea how much she wished things had turned out differently. She really hoped that we one day could be friends. I felt no major feelings when I read her email. No feelings that made me immediately want to reply. The longer I don’t have any contact, the more I think I dodged a bullet on that one. There was a laundry list of things about her and her lifestyle that didn’t match with mine. Our physical chemistry was intense (quite like PhD’s), but beyond that we didn’t have many similarities. Maybe that’s the one lesson I have learned about my time with LF. Physical chemistry can only take you so far. This is what made me want to be open and honest with PhD amongst other things. I know there’s physical chemistry between us. But, in terms of exploring it further, I am currently not in the place to do that with her. Literally and emotionally. And she needed to know that.

BG opened up in a big way to me, although she claims it wasn’t so big. Asking for help has always been a struggle for her, and she finally asked for my help in a certain area of her life. I have always wanted to help her, but I never knew how to offer without seeming like I was trying to cover up our problems with offering. So, I think this is a step in the right direction for us. The connection between BG and I is much more than physical. How do I know this? Our sex life and physical intimacy when we were together was inconsistent. It was ok, and sometimes it was good. And there were a few times, it was amazing. But, it was never consistently on the level of LF and I’s.  But I know it can be. And I know there’s an emotional and intellectual connection with BG that I haven’t felt with ANYONE else. I am also extremely attracted to her. Her face is amazingly beautiful. And the way she dances and holds herself with confidence is heaven to watch. I know she’s physically attracted to me, but I sometimes wonder if the attraction isn’t enough. I don’t feel like I turn her on enough. But I also think she holds back a lot from me because of what I’ve done. She rated me a 5-6. Herself a 7-8. And LF and PhD are in the negatives for her. She commented again how she couldn’t understand what beauty I saw in LF. She asked for a picture of PhD, and put her at the level of LF. It’s interesting how she can criticize my choices, and yet it doesn’t hurt me or make me feel some kind of way. I like that she’s honest about her feelings and thoughts. I’ve invited her for a NYE’s dinner. It could still be too soon for her to see me, but a girl’s gotta try. And I think it would be fitting that we end the year together. It’s been quite a year for us.

I rescheduled the meet up with Pilates Instructor, as I didn’t want to be a total flake. I figure I also need more gay friends in this city. I think BG is seriously considering giving me another chance. And at first, when I thought I was going to go on another dating blitz, it was under the assumption that BG would NEVER in a million years consider dating me again. But after she asked me the girlfriend question and for help, I’m feeling like there is a miniscule possibility. And once again, I shouldn’t fuck it up.

Full Court Press

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I’ve continued texting BG daily. She’s been a bit inconsistent with her replies, but she does reply. She asked me a shocker of a question the other day. Her question was: “If I wanted you back as a girlfriend, what would be your response?” I, of course, said yes. There’s no point in playing games with her anymore. She wants honesty and realness. I’m going to give her that. She replied saying she was curious to what my response was, and that she was trying to figure out how I was going to fit into her life and whether it was worth it to even have me in her life. Fair enough. I know it was a hypothetical question, but the fact that she asked it means she’s been thinking about it. When I get back to the city, I’m going start asking her to hang out until she says yes. She’s already reassured me that my reaching out daily doesn’t bother her, even though she doesn’t respond respond right away. So I will continue the full court press until she tells me that it’s too much. Knowing BG the way I do, I feel as if she’s waiting to see if I am truly serious now. I know we have a connection. And I know she feels it too. Why else would she entertain my reaching out. If she didn’t have feelings for me anymore, she would just tell me. And tell me to move on.

In the online dating world news, a lot has happened. Right before I left for the Midwest, I made quite a few connections with women. The standouts are: Pilates Instructor, Dancer, and PhD. Sadly, Dancer and PhD do not live in same city as I do. Dancer lives in Florida, Phd lives in Indiana. Out of the three, I have only actually met PhD, which happened last night. At 2 AM! I was a little wary about meeting someone I’ve never met at 2 AM, but she reassured me that she was not an axe murderer, and she let me see her Facebook page to prove it. She invited me to probably the one gay bar that was predominantly female in Indy. I went back and forth about whether to meet up with her, until finally I was like fuck it. When have you ever had a chance to meet a hot woman in Indy? We danced together until closing. Made out a bunch and then went to a local gay diner. PhD is a pretty amazing woman. She has her PhD and just hit 30. She’s applying to jobs around the country. Wants to get out of the Midwest, which I don’t blame her. Did I mention she’s just my type. The only downside, which is kind of a huge downside, is that she lives in Indiana. She just texted saying that she likes me. I’m going to try to see her tomorrow night again. I’ve never had a long distance relationship, and I don’t really want one. So I don’t know if this will work. But it’ll be fun while it lasts.

It’s been over three weeks of absolute no contact with LF now. I even made it through Christmas without texting her a “Merry Christmas”. However, I did break down and send her a card thanking her for the gift she sent me. I just couldn’t not acknowledge it. I continued to feel like such an asshole. And against the advice of all my friends, I sent it. And I felt better, so I guess that’s all that matters. I don’t really think about her too much anymore. I understand that our time has passed, and I need to let her go. I didn’t do it so gracefully, but I feel like I finally did it.

I have plans to meet up with Pilates Instructor when I get back to the city, so we’ll see if that goes anywhere. I also started conversations with a Corrections Officer and another woman that I barely know anything about. She’ll get a nickname soon enough. And so it begins. The dating blitz of 2015. Until BG of course decides that we can start dating again. Which is not going to happen for a long time or ever, so I might as well have fun while I wait. BG is the woman I want. I told her today that I haven’t met anyone like her, and I never will. I truly believe this. I know it now. It took me awhile to understand that the feelings I had for her were real, and while they were scary, I can’t just ignore them, hoping they’ll go away. Because clearly they are not going away. And until I explore them and truly give BG my all, which I admit I never did before, they will never be put to rest. One might ask, why were the feelings scary? I know being in a monogamous relationship is not BG’s optimal relationship. I know she’d like to be in a poly relationship with primaries, which is what we tried when I was also dating LF. However, I had no idea what that meant and how that should have changed our relationship when I agreed to be primaries. And that caused a ton of insecurity between BG and I. Now, I’m coming back to her ready to be in a full on monogamous relationship, knowing that we will most likely be in a poly relationship for awhile. BG needs to see that I am fully committed to her and only her before she will ever cut off all her other options. I do believe I love BG. I am in love with BG. And some might say that I’m an asshole and a player continuing to look for women to date while I know I’m in love with another woman, but maybe being in a poly relationship would work better for me. Who knows. Clearly, I need to work on understanding how poly relationships work before getting involved in one.

Tainted Re-tellings

It’s been almost two weeks now of having no contact with LF. I continue to feel like an asshole for not responding to the Christmas gift. I don’t want her to think I’m an asshole. I bought a very platonic holiday card to send, but my friend thinks it’s a bad idea to open any sort of communication back up. She told me who cares what LF thinks. And that’s very true. Why am I so concerned with what she thinks of me now? Why am I so concerned with BG also not seeing me as an asshole? I care about how people see me. I want only positive reactions and feelings at the thought of me. Is that wrong? I opened up to BG yesterday about why I want to be part of her life, and since then, she’s been unresponsive. She texted yesterday that she wondered what it was that made me want to be part of her life. And I answered honestly, which may have border-lined on sounding like I wanted to be more than just friends. I had a dream about her the other night where we kissed. BG is direct and brutally honest, so her silence is confusing. However, she just texted as I’m writing this post. I also bought a very platonic holiday card to send to BG. Every one of my friends tells me to stay away from BG. But I wonder if it’s because they only know the side of her that I’ve told them. And of course that is tainted by my re-telling of events. A few of them have met her, but not enough to make their own opinion of her. They all think she’s a little crazy. Most likely because I told them the story of how she physically threatened me and pushed me into a wall after I broke up with her. There were other circumstances at play that spurred this event, but when you’re an outsider looking in, I suppose it makes her look a little crazy. I didn’t see crazy though. I saw passion and hurt. And maybe that makes me the crazy one.

I also wonder why BG consistently responds to me, the woman who couldn’t commit to her and sometimes lied to her. I just know we had a connection, and it would be a damn waste to not explore that with her. Whether platonically or romantically. The thing that BG can’t accept was that I wasn’t ready to commit to her when she wanted me to. Committing to her meant letting go of LF completely, which I wasn’t ready to do three months ago. Now that I finally have, I feel like BG and I do have a chance at a friendship. Really there’s no other option for us except to be friends. I so hope that she can see that.

I’ve been scouring the online world of women recently. Made a couple of connections, but just don’t seem to be feeling it. It could be because I’m leaving tomorrow for a week so I don’t want to spend a whole week back and forth with a person online before meeting up. My rule is once I have a mutual match, if you can’t meet up within a week, that’s a red flag. What’s the point of online dating if people are too scared, too busy, to meet up? I also joined a bunch of groups on the site: Meetup. 2015 will be the meet up year. Not just online anymore. I have another friend who is single and gay who I think is game to go to meetups. I’ve always believed the best way to get over someone or some women is to get under another one or ones. Maybe I’m not cut out to be monogamous. In my mind I’ve always thought that’s what would make me happy, but I was given two choices of monogamy in 2014, and I didn’t take them. What does that say about what I truly want?

What will 2015 bring?

Bridges and Tunnels

It’s been nine days now since I cut off all communication with LF. I have gone completely radio silent. She “liked” one of my pictures yesterday on Facebook. Then, this morning I woke up to a package sitting outside of my door. My heart sank when I saw it because I knew it was her Christmas present. Which she bought AFTER we had the big talk about how I didn’t want to be just friends with her. I spent all day going back and forth on whether to say thank you and acknowledge it, and then she emailed tonight saying that she knows it was delivered. She hoped I got it, and that I didn’t have to respond. God. Women are fucking annoying. I feel like an asshole for not responding, but as BG pointed out, I shouldn’t feel like one. Since LF bought the present after our “uncoupling”, I don’t owe her anything.

I’ve been talking to BG almost daily now. All of which, I have initiated. She’s written me nice long diatribes of her feelings towards me reaching out and trying to come back into her life. She’s mentioned our break up quite a bit throughout her messages. However, in her words, her eyes and ears are always open. She says I’ve always talked a big game, but have never followed through on anything with her. Which is true. To be honest, I don’t really know what I can follow through with her on now. I’m asking to be friends with her. How do you follow through with proving yourself to be a good friend? But of course, in my mind, if she were ever to want to date me again. I would. She hasn’t agreed to meet up with me yet. Today she said that she didn’t feel comfortable going anywhere that we had gone when we were dating. She has refused to share any details of her life, saying that I needed to share my thoughts and my life with her to repair the bridges and tunnels of trust that were lost between us.

All of this makes sense to me. BG has always needed me to be more open, honest, and vulnerable with her. To prove to her that I am worth anything to her, I have to show her that I am ready to be all of that with her. And for me to be more open, honest, and vulnerable, I have to know that we are just friends. (I know this is a separate issue that I have to work on) I think today was the first day I have ever gone into any detail about my going ons with LF. I asked her this morning if it would make her uncomfortable if I share my thoughts about LF. She told me to go ahead. So right now, we are in a good position. I still am dying to know if she is dating anyone seriously. She said a lot of things have changed for her. And when I asked her directly whether she’s involved with anyone, she replied that I didn’t need to know any of that. Which I don’t. I agree with that. I’m just happy to be talking with her again.

If the Universe is forcing me to choose between these two women of who I want to be “just friends” with, I definitely choose BG. The online thing has been quiet. I’ve gotten quite a few likes and visitors, but only one has caught my interest. She’s been a bit flaky with communication though, so I’m losing interest quickly. Once I get back from the Midwest, I’ll start on my dating blitz again. Looking forward to having some crazy dates to write about.

Oh, the Damage that has been Done

Well, it’s been four days since LF and I have completely stopped talking to each other. It hasn’t been as bad as I thought it might be. I think the weeks after Thanksgiving helped with the transition process. I came across this article that showed me exactly what I’ve been doing for the last three months. I am a bit angry about everything right now. She knew I wanted to date her. She knew I wanted to make up for the things I did to us. And she used that fact to get what she wanted. I don’t care if she was just “figuring it out”. If I had been in her position I would have been highly uncomfortable with someone gifting me with the things I gave her. But she let me, which gave me hope. I’m not especially angry at her because she never outright asked for anything, except maybe for weed. I’m angry at myself for being so generous and not wanting to see the signs that she didn’t feel the same way anymore. I noticed she restarted her okc account. I’m secretly happy I did it before she did. She posted a new photo of herself today on Instagram and Facebook, and I know I’m over her because I didn’t instantly want to “like/heart” it. Note to self: don’t be so generous and don’t be so blind.

I couldn’t help myself and I reached out to BG a couple days ago. She once said that if I could get myself un-entangled from LF, she might possibly consider being friends. Of course there’s been a ton of skepticism thrown my way from her since I reached out to her. But for some reason she continues to respond to my texts and lets me ask her questions, although pretty superficial questions. She’s very dubious of my intentions towards her. She doesn’t want to trust me with any intimate or minute details of her life right now. I just want to be friends with her. I truly do. In terms of friends, I think BG and I have much more in common than LF and I. BG texted some pretty bleak messages regarding the state of our reconnecting. She said that she doesn’t think she can ever truly trust any of my words. She considers me a superficial friend at the moment. Someone whom she’ll only text or call if she’s bored and doesn’t have anyone else. Which I can’t blame her for. I told her I’d take it. It was more than I could ever expect from her given the damage I did to our relationship because of LF. I feel like BG thinks I want to get back together. Which I don’t. I’m 99% sure that she’s happy in a relationship now. She just doesn’t want to tell me. I just want to be one of her options to hang out with. And be friends with.

I haven’t been much interested in reaching out and searching for new women to meet quite yet. I might wait until the new year before I start the dating blitz again. I’m going out again tonight. The other night I went out, I was hit on by someone. Although I was pre-occupied by my friends at the time. It felt nice though. Maybe tonight will be a good night to meet a cutie to take home. Or at least make out with on the dance floor. We shall see.

With or Without You

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Well, I finally had the “what the fuck are we doing” conversation with LF yesterday. Over text. Ugh. This woman refuses to have deep serious conversations face to face. Drives me up the wall. She in turn sent me numerous texts about how she was still “figuring it out” and that I wasn’t giving her enough time and blah, blah, blah. Of course she still wanted to be “friends”. And didn’t want me to disappear from her life. I sent her one text back saying I know I fucked up. And I’m sorry that I messed things up with her. I told her I couldn’t “just be friends” with her. Told her I wanted my favorite sweatpants and my new French press back, and that was it. She responded by “liking” two of my very old Instagram pics this morning.

So, that chapter is closed. I was pretty sad about it yesterday, but today I was doing ok. I know I’m doing ok because as I re-read her final texts to me today, I didn’t feel too sad, and I didn’t want to cry. I deleted her texts to me. Turned off all notifications on Facebook about her. I kind of want to unfriend her from Facebook, but that seems extreme. The breakup wasn’t acrimonious, and unfriending someone from Facebook just seems harsh. Of course I still care about her. I restarted all my online dating profiles. Felt a bit freeing and exciting doing that. I haven’t been online for over a year now. So this blog may become another dating blog for me. My old blog had wonderful crazy stories of my many random dates with women.

It’s hard for me to not be a little bitter about the fact that I just dropped a lot of money on LF. She couldn’t have told me this earlier? Before I took her shopping? Kind of makes me think she was just using me in these last three months, which sucks. I think I gave her more than enough time to “figure it out”. 3 months is enough time to figure out whether you want to be with someone or not. And she still can’t figure it out, which clearly means she doesn’t want to be with me. So, the end of 2014 finds me absolutely single again. I can’t help but think there must be someone else out there for me. Why else would things not work out between LF or BG? The two women I was ready to be completely committed to. (Sort of). I’m a little fucked up I know, but everyone is to some degree.

I’m thinking about reaching out to BG. Just as friends. Truly! I’ve always said I wanted to be friends with her, but I never could because I didn’t know what was happening with LF. Now that LF is out of the picture, I can possibly be friends with BG, if she’s amendable to it. I think we would be better as friends. You might ask why not LF? The more I think about LF’s lifestyle, I don’t think we really mesh. She enjoys staying at home. Almost all the time. I’m rarely at home. I want to go out. I want to have fun. She rarely went out. And that worried me. I thought it might be something I could overcome, but now that she’s told me that she can’t see a future with me, I’m done trying.

LF said her intention was not to hurt me. Why do people always say that? Is that supposed to make things feel better? It actually makes it feel worse. I don’t think I ever said that to BG. I knew I hurt her. Of course I didn’t want to hurt her. But I did. I didn’t tell her that I didn’t mean to hurt her though. That does nothing. I haven’t stopped thinking about BG. After all these months. She was the first person I thought of when I got the texts from LF. In my head, I was thinking, finally I have the option to reach out to her. I’m going back and forth on whether I should. I keep asking myself whether this is a good decision. It probably isn’t. But I want BG in my life. In some way. Not romantically because I know that ship has sailed. But, as friends.

Fuck Feelings

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Yeah that’s how I’m feeling now. LF texted that she just wanted to “chill home alone” this weekend. So she might be “MIA this weekend”. Some might say that it was good that she at least told me. And I did thank her for letting me know. She said that she didn’t want me to think she was ignoring me. Why does it feel that way? Why does it feel like she’s pushing me away. Pulling back. Shutting me down. All my friends tell me we just need to have an open and honest discussion about what’s happening between us. Last time I tried to bring it up (about a month ago) she said she was still “figuring it out”. How long do I give her to figure it out? And when will I know when she has figured it out? I thought she may have figured it out before Thanksgiving. But after Thanksgiving it hasn’t been so great. Daily communication has dropped. I realized I’ve been the one initiating all the texting. So, yet again, I am going to go back to not texting her regularly.

I’m going to go out dancing tomorrow. Hopefully to a bar that BG will not be at. I need to get out. I’ve been thinking about going out for awhile. It’s a popular event, but a new day and a new borough. And it’s not free. I’m hoping all three of these things will lessen my chances running into her. I don’t want to run in to her. I know running into her will just make me want to connect with her again. And I can’t do that. I’d love to meet another cute lesbian at the event. At this point, I don’t think LF cares what I do or not do with my free time. And I don’t think I will feel very guilty about it either. LF and I are not anything. It doesn’t matter how much I have done for her recently or in the past. Why is she stringing me along? She knows I want to date her. And now she’s still “figuring it out”.

I’ve been feeling super irritable recently. I think mostly because of this situation with LF. I’m almost at the point of giving up I think. I made NYE’s reservations at a nice restaurant. Who knows if I’ll get to use them. Or maybe I’ll be taking someone else, although I don’t especially have any prospects. And a NYE’s date is a weird beginning date with someone. Sigh.

I need a vacation. Although not really since vacation just highlights the fact that I am no longer with LF. I don’t know what I need. My friend said I needed to tell LF what I need from her. I just want her to trust me again. To trust that I want to be with her. To trust that I want to build something with her. To be open to the idea of us again. I did the borderline insane thing of re-reading old texts to see the timeline of our unfortunate demise. And also to see the progression of how are relationship has tried to start up again. That’s how I know I’ve been the one to initiate a lot of the communication. It’s sad to read how happy we were for a long time. And then the break up happened with BG. And I hid my feelings about the break up to the point where I thought I had to break up with LF too. Maybe it’s for the best that both of them are not in my life. Fuck my insecurities. It’s not like I can’t just go out and meet women. I can. And I will. Hopefully I’ll have a more upbeat and positive post to blog about my night out tomorrow.