As much as I was looking forward to dating and meeting up with women in the new year, I have decided to not pursue meeting up with new people quite yet. I will keep my profiles open, but I will only respond to people. I will not be actively looking for anyone, while trying to prove to BG that things could work between us.
I’m finally back at my own apartment after spending a week in the Midwest. I ended up seeing PhD one more time before I left. She invited me over to her friend’s place that she was crashing at, and of course, we hooked up. Which was what I had hoped would happen. I’m not going to apologize for this. I love women and their bodies. And if I’m single and the opportunity arises, I am going to be all over that opportunity. PhD and I have some amazing chemistry, and it really is a sad fact that we will most likely never be living in the same city. I am extremely attracted to her, and it seems completely mutual. We got it on for what seemed like hours, and it was pretty damn amazing. When I left, I got the feeling that PhD wanted more than I was able to give her. She started calling me babe and was already making plans to come see me in February. So when I got home last night, I sent her a very open and honest text about everything that was happening in my life. I told her that while it was true that I was single right now, I was trying to get back together with an ex. She responded quite well to the text, so I feel relieved that she knows what’s going on. I don’t know if I should continue to be in touch with her as much as I would like to. She seems to be an amazing woman. I was taken off guard by meeting someone like her in the Midwest. But timing’s a bastard, and I know that if BG were to give me another chance, I would take it in a heartbeat.
However, life is funny and a bitch sometimes. Maybe by February BG and I will be completely over. Who the fuck knows. It’s annoying how it’s rare that timing and chemistry work out with people you meet. Either you connect seamlessly, but the timing is off. Or the timing is right, and there’s no chemistry. Why can’t they ever line up perfectly???
Being open and honest has been a problem my whole life. I do tend to hide or omit details that I think might either hurt people or cause them to feel some kind of way. I know this about myself, and I’m working hard to change it. It has been a strange feeling being completely open and honest with people I care about. I know that makes me sound super sketchy, but I think we all struggle with being completely vulnerable with someone. I just struggle with it a lot more than others probably.
LF responded by email to the card I sent her. She said that she still missed me, and that I had no idea how much she wished things had turned out differently. She really hoped that we one day could be friends. I felt no major feelings when I read her email. No feelings that made me immediately want to reply. The longer I don’t have any contact, the more I think I dodged a bullet on that one. There was a laundry list of things about her and her lifestyle that didn’t match with mine. Our physical chemistry was intense (quite like PhD’s), but beyond that we didn’t have many similarities. Maybe that’s the one lesson I have learned about my time with LF. Physical chemistry can only take you so far. This is what made me want to be open and honest with PhD amongst other things. I know there’s physical chemistry between us. But, in terms of exploring it further, I am currently not in the place to do that with her. Literally and emotionally. And she needed to know that.
BG opened up in a big way to me, although she claims it wasn’t so big. Asking for help has always been a struggle for her, and she finally asked for my help in a certain area of her life. I have always wanted to help her, but I never knew how to offer without seeming like I was trying to cover up our problems with offering. So, I think this is a step in the right direction for us. The connection between BG and I is much more than physical. How do I know this? Our sex life and physical intimacy when we were together was inconsistent. It was ok, and sometimes it was good. And there were a few times, it was amazing. But, it was never consistently on the level of LF and I’s. But I know it can be. And I know there’s an emotional and intellectual connection with BG that I haven’t felt with ANYONE else. I am also extremely attracted to her. Her face is amazingly beautiful. And the way she dances and holds herself with confidence is heaven to watch. I know she’s physically attracted to me, but I sometimes wonder if the attraction isn’t enough. I don’t feel like I turn her on enough. But I also think she holds back a lot from me because of what I’ve done. She rated me a 5-6. Herself a 7-8. And LF and PhD are in the negatives for her. She commented again how she couldn’t understand what beauty I saw in LF. She asked for a picture of PhD, and put her at the level of LF. It’s interesting how she can criticize my choices, and yet it doesn’t hurt me or make me feel some kind of way. I like that she’s honest about her feelings and thoughts. I’ve invited her for a NYE’s dinner. It could still be too soon for her to see me, but a girl’s gotta try. And I think it would be fitting that we end the year together. It’s been quite a year for us.
I rescheduled the meet up with Pilates Instructor, as I didn’t want to be a total flake. I figure I also need more gay friends in this city. I think BG is seriously considering giving me another chance. And at first, when I thought I was going to go on another dating blitz, it was under the assumption that BG would NEVER in a million years consider dating me again. But after she asked me the girlfriend question and for help, I’m feeling like there is a miniscule possibility. And once again, I shouldn’t fuck it up.