Absurdity and Beyond

I saw LF tonight for dinner after work. I had invited her over, but she declined because of she had some freelance work. I feel like she could be lying to me, but I don’t even know why I should feel like that. She told me the other day that she felt blah and lost. I always get uncomfortable around sad and depressed people. I don’t really know what to do. I don’t know what I can say. I want to help them, but unless they tell me directly what they need help with, I don’t know what to do. I told her that I was here for her and to let me know if I could do anything. I also did ask her directly what was making her feel this way, and she said she didn’t want to talk about it. That’s what she always says. Fuck. BG would never had said that. She would have wanted to talk about it and get it all out into the open. Communication has been a little one-sided since Thanksgiving. I’m getting a little tired of being the one to reach out all the damn time. Is this my punishment? How long do I allow her to have her doubts and hesitations about me? How long do I let her withhold her feelings and thoughts? How long do I remain unhappy with the space we’re in?

Speaking of BG, she checked my old blog twice today, after a very long time of not checking it. So I know she read my final post. I wonder why she keeps checking my blog. It must mean that she does still think about me, as I do her. I think about her too damn much. My old blog was her only access point into my life. Just as hers was for me. I re read a few old posts from when the breakups were fresh. There was a blip in my life where I was ok with LF not being a part of my life. It was brief, but it was there. When I thought BG and I maybe were going to reunite, it seemed as if I was content to never speaking to LF again. Which goes to show that maybe neither BG nor LF belong in my life. Or they both belong in my life, and I have to figure out a way to do that to be happy. Only in my dreams. I can’t have them both be in my life without one of them being unhappy.

Recently I’ve been thinking about what I could have done to still have both of them in my life right now. I think back in March when I told LF I was going to “re-date” BG, I should have arranged a meet up between the two of them. We could have talked about it and hopefully figured out a plan so that everyone would be happy. That idea is almost laughable to me though because it sounds so absurd. Who could be happy with that except the person (me) who was getting her cake and eating it too?

God. I miss them both. I miss what I had with both of them at the peak of our relationships. It was serious between both of them. I was seeing both of them at least twice a week. Having sex almost seven days a week. That part was a lot of fun. Navigating emotions part was not so fun. Talking about feelings was torturous. Balancing time between them was super tricky. Deciding which one to be in an exclusive relationship was disastrous. I was such an asshole to both of them. And yet, they each have given me chance after chance to be in their lives. I fucked up all the chances BG had to give me.

Don’t fuck this one up, me.


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