Fuck Feelings

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Yeah that’s how I’m feeling now. LF texted that she just wanted to “chill home alone” this weekend. So she might be “MIA this weekend”. Some might say that it was good that she at least told me. And I did thank her for letting me know. She said that she didn’t want me to think she was ignoring me. Why does it feel that way? Why does it feel like she’s pushing me away. Pulling back. Shutting me down. All my friends tell me we just need to have an open and honest discussion about what’s happening between us. Last time I tried to bring it up (about a month ago) she said she was still “figuring it out”. How long do I give her to figure it out? And when will I know when she has figured it out? I thought she may have figured it out before Thanksgiving. But after Thanksgiving it hasn’t been so great. Daily communication has dropped. I realized I’ve been the one initiating all the texting. So, yet again, I am going to go back to not texting her regularly.

I’m going to go out dancing tomorrow. Hopefully to a bar that BG will not be at. I need to get out. I’ve been thinking about going out for awhile. It’s a popular event, but a new day and a new borough. And it’s not free. I’m hoping all three of these things will lessen my chances running into her. I don’t want to run in to her. I know running into her will just make me want to connect with her again. And I can’t do that. I’d love to meet another cute lesbian at the event. At this point, I don’t think LF cares what I do or not do with my free time. And I don’t think I will feel very guilty about it either. LF and I are not anything. It doesn’t matter how much I have done for her recently or in the past. Why is she stringing me along? She knows I want to date her. And now she’s still “figuring it out”.

I’ve been feeling super irritable recently. I think mostly because of this situation with LF. I’m almost at the point of giving up I think. I made NYE’s reservations at a nice restaurant. Who knows if I’ll get to use them. Or maybe I’ll be taking someone else, although I don’t especially have any prospects. And a NYE’s date is a weird beginning date with someone. Sigh.

I need a vacation. Although not really since vacation just highlights the fact that I am no longer with LF. I don’t know what I need. My friend said I needed to tell LF what I need from her. I just want her to trust me again. To trust that I want to be with her. To trust that I want to build something with her. To be open to the idea of us again. I did the borderline insane thing of re-reading old texts to see the timeline of our unfortunate demise. And also to see the progression of how are relationship has tried to start up again. That’s how I know I’ve been the one to initiate a lot of the communication. It’s sad to read how happy we were for a long time. And then the break up happened with BG. And I hid my feelings about the break up to the point where I thought I had to break up with LF too. Maybe it’s for the best that both of them are not in my life. Fuck my insecurities. It’s not like I can’t just go out and meet women. I can. And I will. Hopefully I’ll have a more upbeat and positive post to blog about my night out tomorrow.

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