With or Without You

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Well, I finally had the “what the fuck are we doing” conversation with LF yesterday. Over text. Ugh. This woman refuses to have deep serious conversations face to face. Drives me up the wall. She in turn sent me numerous texts about how she was still “figuring it out” and that I wasn’t giving her enough time and blah, blah, blah. Of course she still wanted to be “friends”. And didn’t want me to disappear from her life. I sent her one text back saying I know I fucked up. And I’m sorry that I messed things up with her. I told her I couldn’t “just be friends” with her. Told her I wanted my favorite sweatpants and my new French press back, and that was it. She responded by “liking” two of my very old Instagram pics this morning.

So, that chapter is closed. I was pretty sad about it yesterday, but today I was doing ok. I know I’m doing ok because as I re-read her final texts to me today, I didn’t feel too sad, and I didn’t want to cry. I deleted her texts to me. Turned off all notifications on Facebook about her. I kind of want to unfriend her from Facebook, but that seems extreme. The breakup wasn’t acrimonious, and unfriending someone from Facebook just seems harsh. Of course I still care about her. I restarted all my online dating profiles. Felt a bit freeing and exciting doing that. I haven’t been online for over a year now. So this blog may become another dating blog for me. My old blog had wonderful crazy stories of my many random dates with women.

It’s hard for me to not be a little bitter about the fact that I just dropped a lot of money on LF. She couldn’t have told me this earlier? Before I took her shopping? Kind of makes me think she was just using me in these last three months, which sucks. I think I gave her more than enough time to “figure it out”. 3 months is enough time to figure out whether you want to be with someone or not. And she still can’t figure it out, which clearly means she doesn’t want to be with me. So, the end of 2014 finds me absolutely single again. I can’t help but think there must be someone else out there for me. Why else would things not work out between LF or BG? The two women I was ready to be completely committed to. (Sort of). I’m a little fucked up I know, but everyone is to some degree.

I’m thinking about reaching out to BG. Just as friends. Truly! I’ve always said I wanted to be friends with her, but I never could because I didn’t know what was happening with LF. Now that LF is out of the picture, I can possibly be friends with BG, if she’s amendable to it. I think we would be better as friends. You might ask why not LF? The more I think about LF’s lifestyle, I don’t think we really mesh. She enjoys staying at home. Almost all the time. I’m rarely at home. I want to go out. I want to have fun. She rarely went out. And that worried me. I thought it might be something I could overcome, but now that she’s told me that she can’t see a future with me, I’m done trying.

LF said her intention was not to hurt me. Why do people always say that? Is that supposed to make things feel better? It actually makes it feel worse. I don’t think I ever said that to BG. I knew I hurt her. Of course I didn’t want to hurt her. But I did. I didn’t tell her that I didn’t mean to hurt her though. That does nothing. I haven’t stopped thinking about BG. After all these months. She was the first person I thought of when I got the texts from LF. In my head, I was thinking, finally I have the option to reach out to her. I’m going back and forth on whether I should. I keep asking myself whether this is a good decision. It probably isn’t. But I want BG in my life. In some way. Not romantically because I know that ship has sailed. But, as friends.

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2 thoughts on “With or Without You

  1. Try not to dwell on the money spent and lost and move on. However, I would drive over there to make sure you get the stuff you asked for back. Don’t wait on them to bring it to you – you want it – go get it. I would consider making up fictitious names of people on your blog instead of using the initials – it kind of breaks up the flow of the posts. Just an idea.

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