Well, it’s been four days since LF and I have completely stopped talking to each other. It hasn’t been as bad as I thought it might be. I think the weeks after Thanksgiving helped with the transition process. I came across this article that showed me exactly what I’ve been doing for the last three months. I am a bit angry about everything right now. She knew I wanted to date her. She knew I wanted to make up for the things I did to us. And she used that fact to get what she wanted. I don’t care if she was just “figuring it out”. If I had been in her position I would have been highly uncomfortable with someone gifting me with the things I gave her. But she let me, which gave me hope. I’m not especially angry at her because she never outright asked for anything, except maybe for weed. I’m angry at myself for being so generous and not wanting to see the signs that she didn’t feel the same way anymore. I noticed she restarted her okc account. I’m secretly happy I did it before she did. She posted a new photo of herself today on Instagram and Facebook, and I know I’m over her because I didn’t instantly want to “like/heart” it. Note to self: don’t be so generous and don’t be so blind.
I couldn’t help myself and I reached out to BG a couple days ago. She once said that if I could get myself un-entangled from LF, she might possibly consider being friends. Of course there’s been a ton of skepticism thrown my way from her since I reached out to her. But for some reason she continues to respond to my texts and lets me ask her questions, although pretty superficial questions. She’s very dubious of my intentions towards her. She doesn’t want to trust me with any intimate or minute details of her life right now. I just want to be friends with her. I truly do. In terms of friends, I think BG and I have much more in common than LF and I. BG texted some pretty bleak messages regarding the state of our reconnecting. She said that she doesn’t think she can ever truly trust any of my words. She considers me a superficial friend at the moment. Someone whom she’ll only text or call if she’s bored and doesn’t have anyone else. Which I can’t blame her for. I told her I’d take it. It was more than I could ever expect from her given the damage I did to our relationship because of LF. I feel like BG thinks I want to get back together. Which I don’t. I’m 99% sure that she’s happy in a relationship now. She just doesn’t want to tell me. I just want to be one of her options to hang out with. And be friends with.
I haven’t been much interested in reaching out and searching for new women to meet quite yet. I might wait until the new year before I start the dating blitz again. I’m going out again tonight. The other night I went out, I was hit on by someone. Although I was pre-occupied by my friends at the time. It felt nice though. Maybe tonight will be a good night to meet a cutie to take home. Or at least make out with on the dance floor. We shall see.
Chronicles of an Anonymous Mid-30 Year Old 