Bridges and Tunnels

It’s been nine days now since I cut off all communication with LF. I have gone completely radio silent. She “liked” one of my pictures yesterday on Facebook. Then, this morning I woke up to a package sitting outside of my door. My heart sank when I saw it because I knew it was her Christmas present. Which she bought AFTER we had the big talk about how I didn’t want to be just friends with her. I spent all day going back and forth on whether to say thank you and acknowledge it, and then she emailed tonight saying that she knows it was delivered. She hoped I got it, and that I didn’t have to respond. God. Women are fucking annoying. I feel like an asshole for not responding, but as BG pointed out, I shouldn’t feel like one. Since LF bought the present after our “uncoupling”, I don’t owe her anything.

I’ve been talking to BG almost daily now. All of which, I have initiated. She’s written me nice long diatribes of her feelings towards me reaching out and trying to come back into her life. She’s mentioned our break up quite a bit throughout her messages. However, in her words, her eyes and ears are always open. She says I’ve always talked a big game, but have never followed through on anything with her. Which is true. To be honest, I don’t really know what I can follow through with her on now. I’m asking to be friends with her. How do you follow through with proving yourself to be a good friend? But of course, in my mind, if she were ever to want to date me again. I would. She hasn’t agreed to meet up with me yet. Today she said that she didn’t feel comfortable going anywhere that we had gone when we were dating. She has refused to share any details of her life, saying that I needed to share my thoughts and my life with her to repair the bridges and tunnels of trust that were lost between us.

All of this makes sense to me. BG has always needed me to be more open, honest, and vulnerable with her. To prove to her that I am worth anything to her, I have to show her that I am ready to be all of that with her. And for me to be more open, honest, and vulnerable, I have to know that we are just friends. (I know this is a separate issue that I have to work on) I think today was the first day I have ever gone into any detail about my going ons with LF. I asked her this morning if it would make her uncomfortable if I share my thoughts about LF. She told me to go ahead. So right now, we are in a good position. I still am dying to know if she is dating anyone seriously. She said a lot of things have changed for her. And when I asked her directly whether she’s involved with anyone, she replied that I didn’t need to know any of that. Which I don’t. I agree with that. I’m just happy to be talking with her again.

If the Universe is forcing me to choose between these two women of who I want to be “just friends” with, I definitely choose BG. The online thing has been quiet. I’ve gotten quite a few likes and visitors, but only one has caught my interest. She’s been a bit flaky with communication though, so I’m losing interest quickly. Once I get back from the Midwest, I’ll start on my dating blitz again. Looking forward to having some crazy dates to write about.