It’s been almost two weeks now of having no contact with LF. I continue to feel like an asshole for not responding to the Christmas gift. I don’t want her to think I’m an asshole. I bought a very platonic holiday card to send, but my friend thinks it’s a bad idea to open any sort of communication back up. She told me who cares what LF thinks. And that’s very true. Why am I so concerned with what she thinks of me now? Why am I so concerned with BG also not seeing me as an asshole? I care about how people see me. I want only positive reactions and feelings at the thought of me. Is that wrong? I opened up to BG yesterday about why I want to be part of her life, and since then, she’s been unresponsive. She texted yesterday that she wondered what it was that made me want to be part of her life. And I answered honestly, which may have border-lined on sounding like I wanted to be more than just friends. I had a dream about her the other night where we kissed. BG is direct and brutally honest, so her silence is confusing. However, she just texted as I’m writing this post. I also bought a very platonic holiday card to send to BG. Every one of my friends tells me to stay away from BG. But I wonder if it’s because they only know the side of her that I’ve told them. And of course that is tainted by my re-telling of events. A few of them have met her, but not enough to make their own opinion of her. They all think she’s a little crazy. Most likely because I told them the story of how she physically threatened me and pushed me into a wall after I broke up with her. There were other circumstances at play that spurred this event, but when you’re an outsider looking in, I suppose it makes her look a little crazy. I didn’t see crazy though. I saw passion and hurt. And maybe that makes me the crazy one.
I also wonder why BG consistently responds to me, the woman who couldn’t commit to her and sometimes lied to her. I just know we had a connection, and it would be a damn waste to not explore that with her. Whether platonically or romantically. The thing that BG can’t accept was that I wasn’t ready to commit to her when she wanted me to. Committing to her meant letting go of LF completely, which I wasn’t ready to do three months ago. Now that I finally have, I feel like BG and I do have a chance at a friendship. Really there’s no other option for us except to be friends. I so hope that she can see that.
I’ve been scouring the online world of women recently. Made a couple of connections, but just don’t seem to be feeling it. It could be because I’m leaving tomorrow for a week so I don’t want to spend a whole week back and forth with a person online before meeting up. My rule is once I have a mutual match, if you can’t meet up within a week, that’s a red flag. What’s the point of online dating if people are too scared, too busy, to meet up? I also joined a bunch of groups on the site: Meetup. 2015 will be the meet up year. Not just online anymore. I have another friend who is single and gay who I think is game to go to meetups. I’ve always believed the best way to get over someone or some women is to get under another one or ones. Maybe I’m not cut out to be monogamous. In my mind I’ve always thought that’s what would make me happy, but I was given two choices of monogamy in 2014, and I didn’t take them. What does that say about what I truly want?
What will 2015 bring?