I’ve continued texting BG daily. She’s been a bit inconsistent with her replies, but she does reply. She asked me a shocker of a question the other day. Her question was: “If I wanted you back as a girlfriend, what would be your response?” I, of course, said yes. There’s no point in playing games with her anymore. She wants honesty and realness. I’m going to give her that. She replied saying she was curious to what my response was, and that she was trying to figure out how I was going to fit into her life and whether it was worth it to even have me in her life. Fair enough. I know it was a hypothetical question, but the fact that she asked it means she’s been thinking about it. When I get back to the city, I’m going start asking her to hang out until she says yes. She’s already reassured me that my reaching out daily doesn’t bother her, even though she doesn’t respond respond right away. So I will continue the full court press until she tells me that it’s too much. Knowing BG the way I do, I feel as if she’s waiting to see if I am truly serious now. I know we have a connection. And I know she feels it too. Why else would she entertain my reaching out. If she didn’t have feelings for me anymore, she would just tell me. And tell me to move on.
In the online dating world news, a lot has happened. Right before I left for the Midwest, I made quite a few connections with women. The standouts are: Pilates Instructor, Dancer, and PhD. Sadly, Dancer and PhD do not live in same city as I do. Dancer lives in Florida, Phd lives in Indiana. Out of the three, I have only actually met PhD, which happened last night. At 2 AM! I was a little wary about meeting someone I’ve never met at 2 AM, but she reassured me that she was not an axe murderer, and she let me see her Facebook page to prove it. She invited me to probably the one gay bar that was predominantly female in Indy. I went back and forth about whether to meet up with her, until finally I was like fuck it. When have you ever had a chance to meet a hot woman in Indy? We danced together until closing. Made out a bunch and then went to a local gay diner. PhD is a pretty amazing woman. She has her PhD and just hit 30. She’s applying to jobs around the country. Wants to get out of the Midwest, which I don’t blame her. Did I mention she’s just my type. The only downside, which is kind of a huge downside, is that she lives in Indiana. She just texted saying that she likes me. I’m going to try to see her tomorrow night again. I’ve never had a long distance relationship, and I don’t really want one. So I don’t know if this will work. But it’ll be fun while it lasts.
It’s been over three weeks of absolute no contact with LF now. I even made it through Christmas without texting her a “Merry Christmas”. However, I did break down and send her a card thanking her for the gift she sent me. I just couldn’t not acknowledge it. I continued to feel like such an asshole. And against the advice of all my friends, I sent it. And I felt better, so I guess that’s all that matters. I don’t really think about her too much anymore. I understand that our time has passed, and I need to let her go. I didn’t do it so gracefully, but I feel like I finally did it.
I have plans to meet up with Pilates Instructor when I get back to the city, so we’ll see if that goes anywhere. I also started conversations with a Corrections Officer and another woman that I barely know anything about. She’ll get a nickname soon enough. And so it begins. The dating blitz of 2015. Until BG of course decides that we can start dating again. Which is not going to happen for a long time or ever, so I might as well have fun while I wait. BG is the woman I want. I told her today that I haven’t met anyone like her, and I never will. I truly believe this. I know it now. It took me awhile to understand that the feelings I had for her were real, and while they were scary, I can’t just ignore them, hoping they’ll go away. Because clearly they are not going away. And until I explore them and truly give BG my all, which I admit I never did before, they will never be put to rest. One might ask, why were the feelings scary? I know being in a monogamous relationship is not BG’s optimal relationship. I know she’d like to be in a poly relationship with primaries, which is what we tried when I was also dating LF. However, I had no idea what that meant and how that should have changed our relationship when I agreed to be primaries. And that caused a ton of insecurity between BG and I. Now, I’m coming back to her ready to be in a full on monogamous relationship, knowing that we will most likely be in a poly relationship for awhile. BG needs to see that I am fully committed to her and only her before she will ever cut off all her other options. I do believe I love BG. I am in love with BG. And some might say that I’m an asshole and a player continuing to look for women to date while I know I’m in love with another woman, but maybe being in a poly relationship would work better for me. Who knows. Clearly, I need to work on understanding how poly relationships work before getting involved in one.