Establishing Guidelines

I haven’t written for almost two weeks! In a way, that’s a good thing because that means I’ve been busy. I haven’t had much time to think about how I screwed up my dating life last year. I am currently sitting in a DC airport on my way home from visiting PhD. I ended up booking a ticket to visit her. Spent the whole MLK Jr. weekend with her. Before I left, I was a bit nervous that things wouldn’t be the same or feel the same way since we had only hung out those two short times. Also, she was telling me that I was going to meet some of her friends which made me feel like she was much more invested in this than I was. In the end, meeting her friends just made me realize how much I really liked her. And that surprised the shit out of me.

I can’t even begin to describe how great our connection is. I really don’t know what it is. But I know it feels great to be around her. Even though we went from hanging out for less than 12 hours to being together for more than 72 hours, it was natural. Nothing awkward. Amazingly fluid. We had a ton of sex, and there were some things done that I have never experienced, which was awesome. I guess it really pays off having sex with a sexual health professor. She showed me around the town. It was a little weird for me to be back in Indy and not see my family, but I really wanted to just spend time with PhD. We established that we are casually dating at this point. We setup some guidelines for this casual relationship. Well, really just one. If we go on a second date with anyone, we need to let the other person know. She’s the one that asked about setting up guidelines. That was the only one I could think of.

The communication with PhD has been so on point from the very beginning. I can’t believe how honest I’ve been with her. And I truly believe it’s because I don’t want to fuck it up with her. She’s going to come visit me in NYC next month. And then our spring breaks coincide in March. So, we’re already making plans to meet up and spend quality time together, and it seems like our schedules will allow us to do so. I really hope I don’t fuck this one up. She’s even thinking about coming here for the summer to work, since she’s done working in Indy in May. Before this weekend, she had mentioned it, and that threw me off and scared me a little. But after this weekend, I am all about her coming out to see me and stay with me for the summer. Especially since I won’t have gotten to see her very much, and I know our connection is amazing.

I’ve barely thought about LF, and I’ve started liking her Instagram posts again. It doesn’t hurt to see her or what she does anymore. BG and I have had quite a few long text exchanges, and we went out to dinner and drinks right before I left for Indy. I felt like the connection and chemistry was still there, and I think she felt it too. She later told me that she couldn’t be friends with me because she still had feelings for me. She still felt hurt and angry about everything. I brought up the fact that she wasn’t the only one feeling hurt since she also was not blameless in this whole thing. There was a lot of back and forth between us, but I think she still cannot handle being friends with me without it bringing up old wounds. And I understand that, and I don’t want to be the cause of that. So, I asked her to accept my help, and told her that she didn’t need to be friends with me to accept my help. I know that no one can help her except me with this. She never would have asked me to help if she had anyone else to ask. She needs this to move on with her life, and I want to see her achieve her dreams. I don’t know if she’ll pay me back, but I’m not expecting her to either. She most likely will pay me back as I’m sure she doesn’t ever want to “owe” me anything.

I haven’t logged into any of my online profile accounts recently. I haven’t been out on any new dates since the two duds. It’s almost like I’ve lost interest in meeting anyone new. PhD has really captivated my attention. I think about my infatuation with her, and I can’t understand it. She lives 700 miles away. There’s absolutely no guarantee that we’ll ever live in the same city in the near future. But, there’s something about her that really turns me on. Physically, emotionally, intellectually, etc. I’m scared because I have been through this cycle before a thousand times. Meeting someone new, being infatuated, planning future shit, then someone loses interest, communication slows, and the end is imminent before it could even begin. However, she seems just as infatuated with me as I am her, which helps make me feel secure about this connection. It was really interesting tagging along with her life this weekend, and I’m excited to show her my life.

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Move the Fuck On

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It’s 5 days into 2015 already. Life’s been busy. I started back to work again after a two week vacation. First day back is always brutal. But I survived, and my job always takes my mind off various women in my life. Phd and I have texted, talked, and Skyped since I left a week ago. We’re trying to make plans to meet up soon (within two weeks), not sure if it will actually happen. This long distance thing sucks. Part of me wonders if we should even start anything. We’ve only known each other for a week. We’ve hung out for less than 12 hours. We could call it quits right now, and no one would get hurt. We could blame it on the distance, which is a real issue between us. It would be mutual. I don’t think she wants a long distance relationship. However, every time I “see” her (on Skype), I’m reminded how attracted I am to her in every sense. Physically, intellectually, emotionally. We had a rare connection. And the more we talk and stay involved in each others’ lives, the more I want to explore this with her.

I have also had my first two tinder dates in the new year. Both of them duds. I can’t help but wonder if I’m not very much into the dating here because of Phd. I know I should continue to go on dates here because Phd and I aren’t even anything yet. But, on these two separate occasions, I felt absolutely nothing for the women. Almost bored. I really didn’t want to be there. There was no attraction in any sense. And it seemed mutual.

BG finally said that there was no immediate chance of us getting back together romantically. She even went so far to say that she was still uncomfortable being friends with me. Although the same day hours later, she was asking me what I was up to, saying she was thinking about whether to meet up with me. She drives me crazy. But I still want to be her friend. And be involved in her life in some way. I realized yesterday that I think I have finally moved on from LF. I no longer think about her constantly. Check her Instagram to see if she’s been active. Facebook stalk her. And when I do think about her, I don’t get sad. I especially don’t expect any contact from her, which is the most freeing part. I spent 3 months constantly on the edge of happiness and sadness depending on whether she texted or not. Fuck that. That’s a terrible way to live your life.

Plus, there are so many more women out here. Why be with someone that doesn’t care enough about you or isn’t interested in you anymore? If someone shows that they’re not interested anymore, move the fuck on. And that’s what I plan on doing.

I have two New Year’s resolutions. Keeping it simple this year.

1) Stop smoking (resolution for 5 years now)

2) Live unapologetically (I am far too worried about what others might think of my words, actions, and thoughts.)

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