Is an East Coast-West Coast romance possible?

I’m wrapping up a full week and a few days of time with PhD. I am spending my ENTIRE spring break with her, which now seems a bit much. Although given that we don’t see each other much, I wonder if it truly is too much or if it’s my need for space that is making me anxious. We just spent 5 days in Florida together. We get along so well. We haven’t had any disagreements or conflict. There have been moments when I have felt like she needed her space because she has acted a bit distant recently.

I started the above post about a week ago. Never finished it. Clearly. I’m going to attempt to finish it now.

I’m back in the city after spending my entire spring break with PhD. 17 straight days. It was an eye opening time with her. And actually made me fall for her even more. We had our moments of disagreement and conflict. The weirdest of all was my last night there. I was feeling super sad because she had originally said she was going to come see me this coming weekend for my birthday weekend, and then said she didn’t have enough money to come. Which I totally understand, but I was still sad about it. We spent almost the whole last day with her friends, drinking and playing Monopoly. Which was pretty awesome, but I wanted to have some time alone with her also since I wasn’t going to see her in maybe a month. After I won the game (which felt awesome because I never win Monopoly), she suggested we all go to a local strip club. Again, another activity that I love, so I went along with the plan. When we got to the strip club, I felt a really weird vibe in it. And I really wasn’t enjoying myself. PhD also was acting a bit weird, and the more I was in the situation, the more annoyed I got. And super sad! Since this was the last night I was going to spend with her. In a weird strip club with her friends. Finally, we left because PhD could feel that I wasn’t having a good time. She got angry (or so it seemed) at me because I was acting like I wasn’t having a good time, and we went straight home without really talking to each other. I couldn’t believe that we were going to spend the last night with each other mad at each other. And I really was having second thoughts about conducting this long distance relationship.

However when we got in bed, I finally told her that I was feeling sad about leaving her. I don’t know why I couldn’t say that before so that we could spend the night just by ourselves. She admitted that she was feeling super sad about me leaving. And admitted to taking an anxiety pill when we got home because she was feeling so anxious about everything. We talked about everything, and she agreed to let me pay for half of her ticket to come this weekend for my birthday. So she will be here tomorrow for about a week! And I don’t feel like we’ve spent too much time together yet and am absolutely excited for her to be here.

In other news, BG broke radio silence last week. It had been almost two months since we last communicated. I really didn’t think I’d ever hear from her again.  I really should examine why I was so excited to hear from her. It was a classic BG email in which she said she was only reaching out because she was desperate and not because she really wanted to contact me. She needed my help with something, and asked if I was still willing to help. Of course, I’m still willing to help. I don’t know what it is about BG. PhD asked the other night if I was sure I was over her. Now, I’m not so sure. I mean, I am sure. BG and I cannot get into another relationship with each other for a long, long time. But just knowing that I can text her and see how she’s doing makes me happy for some reason. I actually have to make a conscious effort to not text her every day. Another issue that I should examine. BG actually came over and helped me out yesterday. It felt good to see her. It always feels good to see her. I wonder what she feels when she sees me. Probably not that great. I wish I knew.

I have been completely open with PhD about this recent communication with BG. I want PhD to know that I’m talking to her. And attempting to be friends with her. Another first for me! It feels weird to be this open in my relationship. I know that sounds terrible, but I was never this open in my last two relationships. And I really don’t want to fuck this up with PhD. I know it’s only been 3 months of knowing her, but it seems as if it’s been a year with all the communication that has happened between us.

We’re going to attempt an east coast-west coast romance next year since she got a job at a university in LA. It’s too early in the relationship for me to move across the country for her as much as I would like to. It would be absolutely insane to give up my gig here at this moment in time. But I am excited about this journey I’m on with this new woman. I’m trying to play it smart this time. I want to find my person and move on to the next stage in life.

 

Good Intentions and Gender Benders

Phd and I have continued along this journey of being exclusive and long distance. I went to visit her last weekend. It definitely was not as sex-filled as Valentines weekend was. It was much more calm and normal. I’m going to visit again this coming Friday for two whole weeks! We’ve been able to physically see each other every 2-3 weeks since we met, and while it’s not optimal, it’s a whole lot better than I thought it could be. We’ve already had some bumps in the road in regards to money and financial stuff. It all started with me wanting to go to Florida for a weekend while I was visiting her. She originally said she could go, but then told me she didn’t have the funds. I told her that I didn’t have a problem with paying for the trip. She felt extremely uncomfortable with me funding her trip to Florida which opened up a big discussion about financial things between us. She doesn’t know exactly how much money I make, but I know that I make a good three or four times what she does. In my mind, I wanted to go to Florida, and I wanted to spend it with her. If I have to pay for her to be there with me, I’m willing to do so. I do sort of understand her discomfort, although I can’t empathize with it. If she had the money to fund her own trip, I know she would. This financial imbalance was never talked about in my previous relationships. And it was very unbalanced in all three of my past relationships. PhD asked me if I felt like I didn’t deserve someone who could bring the same to the table. In my mind it’s not about what I deserve.

When I start dating someone, I don’t ask about their financial status immediately. Usually it’s not until I really like the woman that I find out that she isn’t especially stable in that area. I guess you could ask why is it that I keep meeting women who are not financially stable. PhD also brought up the fact that if I were a guy, she wouldn’t have as much of a problem with my funding the trip. That really confused me. I don’t see any difference besides her preconceived notions of gender stereotypes. I also left some cash for her the last time I was there because she told me her month was pretty tight financially. I can also see how that may have been a little offensive to her, but there were only good intentions behind it. I brought a bunch of cash to spend at her place, didn’t spend it, so I felt like leaving it for her. I do enjoy taking care of the women I care about. I really enjoy providing for them if they need or want something. I suppose that makes me a little masculine in a sense, although I think a big part of it is because I also have the means to do so.

PhD did strongly encourage me to talk to her instead of hiding my true feelings and thoughts. She seems to notice really little things about me. And she notices when I most likely have stuff to say, but choose not to. I like that. I need someone who won’t put up with my silence. I need someone to push me to talk about my true feelings and thoughts because I tend to not talk about my them openly. That was the whole issue with BG. I didn’t tell her enough. I didn’t share enough with her. I didn’t ask about her thoughts and feelings enough. But she seemed to want me to flip a switch and be Chatty Cathy all of a sudden. LF and I were in the same boat. Neither one of us really wanted to talk about our true feelings. Unfortunately, I have developed a lifelong habit of hiding my true feelings and thoughts. It’s going to take a long while for me to naturally just share everything that’s going on in my mind.

I just may have found the woman that is willing to work on that with me. And that’s a pretty amazing feeling.