Good Intentions and Gender Benders

Phd and I have continued along this journey of being exclusive and long distance. I went to visit her last weekend. It definitely was not as sex-filled as Valentines weekend was. It was much more calm and normal. I’m going to visit again this coming Friday for two whole weeks! We’ve been able to physically see each other every 2-3 weeks since we met, and while it’s not optimal, it’s a whole lot better than I thought it could be. We’ve already had some bumps in the road in regards to money and financial stuff. It all started with me wanting to go to Florida for a weekend while I was visiting her. She originally said she could go, but then told me she didn’t have the funds. I told her that I didn’t have a problem with paying for the trip. She felt extremely uncomfortable with me funding her trip to Florida which opened up a big discussion about financial things between us. She doesn’t know exactly how much money I make, but I know that I make a good three or four times what she does. In my mind, I wanted to go to Florida, and I wanted to spend it with her. If I have to pay for her to be there with me, I’m willing to do so. I do sort of understand her discomfort, although I can’t empathize with it. If she had the money to fund her own trip, I know she would. This financial imbalance was never talked about in my previous relationships. And it was very unbalanced in all three of my past relationships. PhD asked me if I felt like I didn’t deserve someone who could bring the same to the table. In my mind it’s not about what I deserve.

When I start dating someone, I don’t ask about their financial status immediately. Usually it’s not until I really like the woman that I find out that she isn’t especially stable in that area. I guess you could ask why is it that I keep meeting women who are not financially stable. PhD also brought up the fact that if I were a guy, she wouldn’t have as much of a problem with my funding the trip. That really confused me. I don’t see any difference besides her preconceived notions of gender stereotypes. I also left some cash for her the last time I was there because she told me her month was pretty tight financially. I can also see how that may have been a little offensive to her, but there were only good intentions behind it. I brought a bunch of cash to spend at her place, didn’t spend it, so I felt like leaving it for her. I do enjoy taking care of the women I care about. I really enjoy providing for them if they need or want something. I suppose that makes me a little masculine in a sense, although I think a big part of it is because I also have the means to do so.

PhD did strongly encourage me to talk to her instead of hiding my true feelings and thoughts. She seems to notice really little things about me. And she notices when I most likely have stuff to say, but choose not to. I like that. I need someone who won’t put up with my silence. I need someone to push me to talk about my true feelings and thoughts because I tend to not talk about my them openly. That was the whole issue with BG. I didn’t tell her enough. I didn’t share enough with her. I didn’t ask about her thoughts and feelings enough. But she seemed to want me to flip a switch and be Chatty Cathy all of a sudden. LF and I were in the same boat. Neither one of us really wanted to talk about our true feelings. Unfortunately, I have developed a lifelong habit of hiding my true feelings and thoughts. It’s going to take a long while for me to naturally just share everything that’s going on in my mind.

I just may have found the woman that is willing to work on that with me. And that’s a pretty amazing feeling.


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