Breakthroughs Galore

I’m happy to announce that I am on Day 13 of my no smoking campaign! It’s been a pretty easy quitting process except for one day, last week.

On this particular day, BG asked me three very pointed questions (over text messages): 1) Are you in love with me? 2) Do you still hold guilt for what happened between us? 3) Do you think about us getting back together?

Fuck me.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw those questions. So many thoughts raced through my head. Why is she asking me these questions? How should I respond? What would PhD think? Should I tell her the absolute truth (which is yes to all three of her questions)? Am I really going to get another chance to get back with her? Do I have the balls to even get back together with her? Why does she even want me back? Is she in love with me? Does she think about us getting back together? Do I really want to throw away what I have with PhD for BG?

I responded the first time (over text) with a maybe to all three of the questions. I couldn’t say no, but I really didn’t want to say yes either. This spurred an ALL day text fest in which BG went through the laundry list again of all the things I did to hurt her, and why she couldn’t see me as a partner. She also revealed that she was dating someone seriously whom she met back in September. They recently became exclusive. But even with all these things, it seemed that she was open to getting back together. And she wanted to know if I could see that possibility.

And while I was tempted to just throw everything I have built with PhD out the window because this is what I wanted 4 months ago, I was not impulsive. I thought about what I have with PhD, and what I had with BG before we broke up, and I just couldn’t tell BG I would give up what I had with PhD. And that was quite a BREAKTHROUGH for me, I think. I was finally able to see that even though I am still in love with this woman (BG), I have to move on to a better relationship. The trust between us was completely shattered, and it is nearly impossible to come back from that.

So with great hesitancy and sadness, I said I did not see that it was possible for us to be together. At first, BG seemed ok with it. But then five hours later, she blew up my phone with very harsh texts about how I tore her up once again by rejecting her ONCE AGAIN, etc. How I caused her to doubt herself as a girlfriend and a lover, etc. Just really guilt-laden accusations. And yet again I told her that I had a huge problem with her lack of affection (physical, emotional, and verbal) during our on again-off again relationship.

I asked her to come talk to me the next day, face to face. And we did, and I think we both finally received some closure to this whole saga. BG asked why I never told her about my need for affection. In my mind, I thought I did. Apparently I didn’t emphasize it enough. She officially said she forgave me for everything I did to her. I need to work on releasing the guilt I feel about everything that happened between us. I think that’s what keeps me tied to her.

It’s been almost a week now since all of this happened. PhD is with me now, and I continue to fall for her every day. We had a little break through in our relationship also, in which we both admitted that we were falling for each other. I really hope I don’t fuck it up.

The State of My Life 2015

Usually I write a birthday post for myself. I realized about a week later that I haven’t done so for 2015 yet. So here it is.

I am squarely in my MID-thirties now. I feel old, although I don’t look it. I’m making the most money I’ve ever made right now and have a great apartment in one of the best neighborhoods in NYC. However, I’m thinking about making a change and moving on from this wonderful place I’ve called home for the past 9 years. Part of me is excited to do so, but part of me wonders why I am contemplating such a thing. I suppose what will tip the scales is if things with PhD continue to go smoothly. At this point, I have no idea if things will continue to flow positively for PhD and I. Already we’ve hit some bumps along our journey. And as she pointed out the other night, she has only been angry at me about things involving BG. I don’t know how to cut BG from my life. I don’t even know if I’m truly over her. I think I am, but maybe I’m not because I do think about her a lot. And I do still think about what we could have had. And I know if I continue to think about her like this, I’m going to fuck up another one of my relationships. I thought I was over her, but then my fluid willingness to help her with something makes me wonder if I’m really over her or not. I was really not looking forward to telling BG that I wouldn’t be able to help her. I was pleasantly surprised that BG took the news well. I think it would be wise of me not to see her for awhile.

I have officially quit smoking for six days now! I started smoking when I was 20. So this is a fifteen year habit I’m kicking. I’ve been using WellButrin to help me quit. Basically an anti-depressant that doctors discovered also takes away the cravings for nicotine weirdly enough. I think the meds on top of PhD’s encouragement is finally helping me kick the habit. I know I need to quit so having external motivators is good for me.

Once again, I feel very lucky to be alive in my 35th year of life. I have yet another beautiful woman who likes me immensely. A woman that I can see myself with for awhile, although I may be a bit premature. Everything has unfolded in a strange but beautiful way. And I’m looking forward to documenting everything that will happen this year.

I don’t know…

Three little words, I don’t know…

Those three words can be so telling. Things with PhD quickly spiraled into the toilet last night, after she spent a week with me in the city. We had a great week together, again. Although there was one hiccup in the middle of it when her ex decided to “reconnect” with her and pour out her heart over text messages. PhD freely admits that she’s not over her ex and that she’s still in love with her ex. And that scares me. It also doesn’t help that Phd’s ex is apparently a rockstar in bed. I lost it one night when we were getting it on, and PhD stopped me and wanted me to do something different. I opened up to her and told her I felt threatened by her ex. Especially since they were in daily communication now, and that her ex lived in her city while I was 700 miles away. I got really emotional that night, but managed to say what I was feeling. Which was a first! So, yes, I still feel threatened by her sex rock star of an ex, but I do trust that PhD really does like me and treasures our relationship. I have made it very clear that cheating is a deal breaker for me.

Fast forward to last night, PhD knows BG is back in my life. BG has been asking me to help her with something major in her life. And I was contemplating it. However, I wanted to talk to PhD about it first, which I did last night. When PhD asked me if I would help BG, my answer was “I don’t know”, which was clearly the wrong answer.

Ironically, when BG was asking me to help her, she asked me specifically if my significant other(PhD) had a problem with me helping her, would I still help her (BG). My answer to her was also, “I don’t know”, which was another wrong answer. BG went off about how I shouldn’t have said I could help her if I really wasn’t all in about it.

Sigh. Now, PhD has decided that my “I don’t know” response has really “put things into perspective”. And she’s afraid of my feelings for BG. We seem to be stuck in a game of “who should trust whom” since we both have exes that have reappeared in our lives. I don’t even know if all of this is worth it. I mean, I really like PhD. We get along so well. I may have already fallen for her. But the truth is, we’re going to be long-distance for a long ass time. One of the worst things about being long-distance is that when you have an argument or disagreement, you can’t physically see each other. You have to deal with it over Skype or the phone or through texts. Which really, really sucks.

Clearly, I still have much work to do on how I handle things in my relationships with my girlfriend and ex(es).