Usually I write a birthday post for myself. I realized about a week later that I haven’t done so for 2015 yet. So here it is.
I am squarely in my MID-thirties now. I feel old, although I don’t look it. I’m making the most money I’ve ever made right now and have a great apartment in one of the best neighborhoods in NYC. However, I’m thinking about making a change and moving on from this wonderful place I’ve called home for the past 9 years. Part of me is excited to do so, but part of me wonders why I am contemplating such a thing. I suppose what will tip the scales is if things with PhD continue to go smoothly. At this point, I have no idea if things will continue to flow positively for PhD and I. Already we’ve hit some bumps along our journey. And as she pointed out the other night, she has only been angry at me about things involving BG. I don’t know how to cut BG from my life. I don’t even know if I’m truly over her. I think I am, but maybe I’m not because I do think about her a lot. And I do still think about what we could have had. And I know if I continue to think about her like this, I’m going to fuck up another one of my relationships. I thought I was over her, but then my fluid willingness to help her with something makes me wonder if I’m really over her or not. I was really not looking forward to telling BG that I wouldn’t be able to help her. I was pleasantly surprised that BG took the news well. I think it would be wise of me not to see her for awhile.
I have officially quit smoking for six days now! I started smoking when I was 20. So this is a fifteen year habit I’m kicking. I’ve been using WellButrin to help me quit. Basically an anti-depressant that doctors discovered also takes away the cravings for nicotine weirdly enough. I think the meds on top of PhD’s encouragement is finally helping me kick the habit. I know I need to quit so having external motivators is good for me.
Once again, I feel very lucky to be alive in my 35th year of life. I have yet another beautiful woman who likes me immensely. A woman that I can see myself with for awhile, although I may be a bit premature. Everything has unfolded in a strange but beautiful way. And I’m looking forward to documenting everything that will happen this year.