Breakthroughs Galore

I’m happy to announce that I am on Day 13 of my no smoking campaign! It’s been a pretty easy quitting process except for one day, last week.

On this particular day, BG asked me three very pointed questions (over text messages): 1) Are you in love with me? 2) Do you still hold guilt for what happened between us? 3) Do you think about us getting back together?

Fuck me.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw those questions. So many thoughts raced through my head. Why is she asking me these questions? How should I respond? What would PhD think? Should I tell her the absolute truth (which is yes to all three of her questions)? Am I really going to get another chance to get back with her? Do I have the balls to even get back together with her? Why does she even want me back? Is she in love with me? Does she think about us getting back together? Do I really want to throw away what I have with PhD for BG?

I responded the first time (over text) with a maybe to all three of the questions. I couldn’t say no, but I really didn’t want to say yes either. This spurred an ALL day text fest in which BG went through the laundry list again of all the things I did to hurt her, and why she couldn’t see me as a partner. She also revealed that she was dating someone seriously whom she met back in September. They recently became exclusive. But even with all these things, it seemed that she was open to getting back together. And she wanted to know if I could see that possibility.

And while I was tempted to just throw everything I have built with PhD out the window because this is what I wanted 4 months ago, I was not impulsive. I thought about what I have with PhD, and what I had with BG before we broke up, and I just couldn’t tell BG I would give up what I had with PhD. And that was quite a BREAKTHROUGH for me, I think. I was finally able to see that even though I am still in love with this woman (BG), I have to move on to a better relationship. The trust between us was completely shattered, and it is nearly impossible to come back from that.

So with great hesitancy and sadness, I said I did not see that it was possible for us to be together. At first, BG seemed ok with it. But then five hours later, she blew up my phone with very harsh texts about how I tore her up once again by rejecting her ONCE AGAIN, etc. How I caused her to doubt herself as a girlfriend and a lover, etc. Just really guilt-laden accusations. And yet again I told her that I had a huge problem with her lack of affection (physical, emotional, and verbal) during our on again-off again relationship.

I asked her to come talk to me the next day, face to face. And we did, and I think we both finally received some closure to this whole saga. BG asked why I never told her about my need for affection. In my mind, I thought I did. Apparently I didn’t emphasize it enough. She officially said she forgave me for everything I did to her. I need to work on releasing the guilt I feel about everything that happened between us. I think that’s what keeps me tied to her.

It’s been almost a week now since all of this happened. PhD is with me now, and I continue to fall for her every day. We had a little break through in our relationship also, in which we both admitted that we were falling for each other. I really hope I don’t fuck it up.

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