Unidentifiable Emotions

I am currently on Day 35 of not smoking! It’s been over a month since I had my last cigarette. I am quite amazed that I have made it this far. I even had a chance to smoke hookah and I refused it. It’s like I’ve lost my love for smoking anything, except maybe pot. I still smoke that occasionally. Scientific studies have said that it takes 3 weeks to make or break a habit. I’ve gone more than three weeks, and I really hope I’ve turned a corner finally. I have started missing it these days because it’s getting warmer out. But any time I’m tempted, I think about how far I’ve come. If I break down and smoke again, I have to start all over.

In terms of lady news, I have been in contact with the two ladies of my past, and I have hung out with both of them a bit. BG continues to be the draw, although I had a good time with LF this past weekend. They both stir up unidentifiable emotions in myself. It isn’t love, but I suppose, it is nostalgia. Hanging out platonically has been harder with BG because she constantly brings up the fact that I have limitations with what I can do for her. For example, BG asked if she could spend the night, and I told her a flat out no. PhD would not be ok with that. I’m once again not being completely honest in my current relationship. I haven’t told PhD about hanging out with LF and BG. This time I would like to justify it by saying PhD doesn’t need to worry about this. Telling her about all of this is causing unnecessary anxiety. I am in no way attempting to get back with either BG or LF. I do enjoy their friendships though. I really do, and it would be sad to have to stop talking to them. I actually don’t want to stop talking to them. Not because I see a future with them. I don’t. Not since meeting PhD. But I do care about them. And I can’t just toss them aside and stop talking to them.

Since the last post, I spent another weekend with PhD. We went to the Kentucky Derby! We also had a pretty intensely packed weekend. Friday was spent untangling PhD from her best friend and the fucked up situation they were in. This involved a U-haul and tons of moving. Pretty damn exhausting, but I was happy to be there for her. All of this has led to my mother (!) taking care of her cat this summer. They are apparently on texting terms now. Very strange. But in a way, good. I see PhD in my future, and I need her and my mom to get along. She’s coming to live with me tomorrow for the summer. I’m excited and nervous about all of this. I can see raising a family and building a future with PhD, and I really hope this summer will show us that we can really be together for a long time.

PhD and I already have talked about having kids and raising them. We joke about getting each other pregnant. I know that this has happened super fast. And maybe it’s typical of lesbians to fall this fast. But it feels real. And I am looking to settle down and start building a future with someone. The amount of time that we have talked needs to catch up with the amount of time we’ve hung out. I am so excited to be with her this summer.


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