The Heart Wants What It Wants

scotuswebHappy Pride everyone! Still trying to absorb the dramatic social change that has just happened this past week not only with SCOTUS’s decision on marriage equality but also on Obamacare.

I thought I’d take some time and answer the following questions. It’s fitting given my conversation with PhD over the weekend. We ended up going to a Pride Party on Friday (Priday) after taking a bunch of M. It seems when we are both on M, we get very chatty and honest with each other. We really have committed to making this work. I’ve talked more about the future with her than even my long time ex (4 and a half years). I told her that the reason why I don’t tell her things/divulge information is because I don’t want her to break up with me. That is the number one reason why I hide things from my partners.

Question 1: What is the most important to you in your relationship?

I need to feel secure in my relationship. I need to feel like I can be honest with my partner without fear of judgement or abandonment. I need to feel like I am attractive to my partner. I need to be on the same page as my partner. We need to want the same goals in life. I need a woman who can be my equal. I need a woman who won’t let me get away with anything. I need a woman who won’t let me do everything for her.

Question 2: Are you following your heart?

Yes. As much confusion I went through with BG, I felt that she would never be able to trust me after everything that had happened given her comments and actions towards me in the last 6 months. And those feelings were confirmed just this week. It is unfortunate everything that went down with BG, and I still wish we could be friends, but I need to stop trying to force it with her. If she can’t be friends, so be it. I went all in with PhD. We were exclusive faster than any other woman I’ve ever been with. I decided with PhD that I wasn’t going to hold back. I wasn’t going to be cautious. I wanted a relationship with an awesome woman. She landed in my lap. I’m running with it (or her).

Question 3: Are you able to grow with/learn from your partner?

I am able to grow with/learn from PhD. We are very different in some ways, but also similar in other ways. Our values are the same. What we think is important in a relationship is the same. I’m still figuring her out and am looking forward to continuing to figure her out for years to come. She challenges me to be more open. I challenge her to think more positively.

Question 4: Are you still dating ‘safely’?

I wouldn’t say PhD is a “safe” choice for me. She’s had quite a few long term relationships that have all ended in cheating. And that’s a gamble I’ll have to take.

Question 5: Are you letting your analytical side get in the way?

When it comes to relationships, I don’t think analytically at all. I think with my heart and my proverbial dick for the most part. Analytically, I never should have gotten in contact with BG again. I never should have tried to force myself into her life. I also probably should not have gotten into a relationship with PhD given that she’s moving to LA in August. PhD is also not over her exes (male and female). However, the heart wants what it wants.

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Shouldn’t the Cold War be over?

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And so it goes. PhD made a comment last night that hit me hard. She said “sometimes talking to you is like talking to a wall”. This is not the first time I’ve heard this comment from someone I dated. I believe BG made this comment also. It’s all or nothing with my emotions. Either I show no emotion and I look like an asshole who doesn’t care, or I show too much and I look like a cry baby. There is no happy medium for me. I don’t know why it’s like that. Maybe I didn’t have enough practice getting in touch with my emotions when I was younger. PhD and I didn’t really have an intense talk or argument. It was just an observation on her part.

I’m still a bit confused as to how I’m sitting here on the day I was supposed to do something fun with BG, and she’s not talking to me anymore (forever). We had talked about doing something fun today since I couldn’t hang out with her on Monday. However, Monday night she decided she didn’t want me in her life anymore. The thing that hurts the most is that she thinks I was such a horrible person towards her. She thought that I was going to hold my financial help over her head. I don’t understand where that came from. Yes, I gave her a lot of my money. Not once did I ever mention it to her. Not once did I ever hold it over her head. I was coming from a very pure place of wanting to help her out of her situation. I just wanted to help her have a better life. That’s all. I didn’t want anything else from her, except her friendship. She said that I’m not a sympathetic or empathetic person. I am. I could imagine how it must have felt to be her with no options. That’s why I wanted to help her. She says I’ve never been kind to her. She said a lot of things to me that I just didn’t understand where she was coming from.

This last six months of trying to be her friend failed miserably. And I really don’t think it was my fault. I did my best to be there for her. To be open with where I was. I made my relationship with PhD uncomfortable for her because I wanted to remain her friend. She just was not ready to accept what I was offering. Or wanted more than I could offer. And I can’t blame her for that. I can’t blame anyone for that. We’re just in different places. I just wish it didn’t have to be so hostile. Why can’t we hang out once in awhile. Catch up. I get why we might not be super close buds. But geez. Does it have to be the Cold War between us? Why does it have to be absolutely no communication? Why does it have to be absolutely no connections?

At this point, I’m just going to let her be. She said her piece. She didn’t let me say mine because she doesn’t trust me. So whatever I say will fall on deaf ears. I’m sure PhD is a little happier that BG doesn’t want me in her life anymore. I’m going to LA with PhD next week for a long weekend. I’m looking forward to that. We’re slowly maneuvering our way through our relationship. Figuring each other out. There are things that bug me about her that I’ll write about later. And I’m sure there are things that bug her about me. I hope that I’ve learned enough lessons now to really make a go of this relationship. That is my hope because PhD is quite the woman. I still am amazed that I met her in Indiana. After all those years going there to visit during Christmas and summers. I meet her right before she leaves Indy. Ridiculous coincidence.

Bye. Forever

I swear Thought Catalog has psychic abilities and is tailored just for me. Maybe it’s some higher power’s way of communicating with me. Do you ever wonder why it is that certain things/people/articles cross your life path at exactly the right moment? This article came across my Facebook today. “Why you can’t let that one person go, no matter how hard you try”. This coming the morning after BG sent me a million texts and two emails. All of them dwindling down to “Bye. Forever”.

My heart sank. I really had high hopes that we would be able to be friends. She told me what I already knew to be true. She couldn’t trust me. She would never trust me romantically. And even as a friend, she showed that she would never trust me. Every action of mine post break up was suspect. Every single damn thing. I don’t even know what I was thinking. Why do I think I deserve to be her friend? I think I deserve to be her friend because I want to be there for her. I want to support her. I want to see her follow her passions. She had an impact on my life. Just because we didn’t work out romantically doesn’t mean we have to have nothing to do with each other. So let’s be damn friends. I don’t get it. She has a woman that likes her. Possibly loves her. I really thought that since both of us were in respective relationships that we enjoyed and wanted to be in, it would make it easier for us to be friends. Clearly I was mistaken.

The fact that today, June 23rd, 2015 makes it over a year now since we officially broke up is not lost on me. The fact that it has been over a year now, and it seems like we’re still having the same problems. And we’re not even dating! Maybe I should have waited this whole year without speaking to her. Maybe then, we could have had a chance to start new as friends. But of course, I had to jump the gun. I had to push my way back into her life, when clearly neither one of us was ready. I think if I were male, I would definitely be a premature ejaculator. I would say many of my actions are often premature. Without thought.

All of this to say, I most likely will always want to be friends with BG. I take this year back in communication with her as a lesson that I need to heed my dear friend’s advice. Any big break up needs a year to recover. I know there’s some part of BG that does want to be my friend. But there’s another part of her that is still quite hurt by everything I did to her. And me being in her life is not helping her to forget that piece. And what I’ve seen of her actions in these past months is that she needs me out of her life.

So I begin again. I’m not even going to say that I want to forget her, I want to let her go. Because I don’t want to do any of those things. But I do have to let her live her own life. She explicitly said that she did not want to hear from me. She did not want any of my support: financial or emotional. I did try to text and call. It seems as like last time, she blocked my number again. It’s evident that me being in her life again is causing her pain and sadness given the number of times she’s broken down with me in the past weeks.

What was I thinking? Maybe in another year. In another year we both will be in completely different places in our lives hopefully. Maybe then a friendship will be possible.

The Balance of Power

I’m starting my first official week of vacation!! This means 11 weeks of pure freedom from a job. As always, despite my efforts to find a job (which were not very aggressive efforts), I don’t have a summer job. I would love to find a neighborhood bar I could bar tend at during the summers. Maybe I should go to bar tending school and get a little bit of knowledge. I always say I’m going to do all these things, but then I never end up doing anything. Really all I’m looking forward to doing is catching up on my reading, playing video games, and hanging with my girl. I know these 11 weeks will fly by and pretty soon I’ll be back to working and in a long distance relationship again.

Speaking of PhD and I, we’ve been doing quite well. After the little affection talk we had, I think she’s been making more of an effort to be natural about it, and I’ve been making more of an effort to not put so much emphasis on it. I’ve started opening up to her about what’s happening with BG. Not that there’s anything happening, but I never even wanted to mention to PhD that I was still texting her for fear of insecurities popping up again. BG unfriended me and blocked me again for the umpteenth time on Facebook over the weekend. Although it didn’t last long. She was feeling super low and sent me numerous texts about how I didn’t value or appreciate her even as a friend because I couldn’t be there for her or she couldn’t count on me to choose her over PhD.

I know she may say that she’s not asking me to choose her over PhD, but it sure feels that way. BG keeps asking me what I want with her. She doesn’t think I want to be friends with her because I have all these limitations regarding her. I almost was at my wits end this weekend because she actually ended up calling me, and I picked up (with PhD there!). Something BG has accused me of never doing, but she also most likely won’t even believe me if I told her she was there. I digress. BG was very upset about something I had texted and took it completely wrong. And this is why I hate texting these days. Especially with BG. She was so upset with me though, the second time in a couple weeks I feel like. Sometimes I think maybe I should just step back and stop trying to be involved in her life. Her reactions towards me are sometimes so intense and full of sadness and what seems like anger. I hate seeing her react that way towards me. I don’t want to cause sadness and anger in someone. Especially someone I’m trying to be friends with and someone I care about. I know that a lot of the reaction comes from where she’s at in life right now. Which is not in a very good place. I know that things could/might be better for her if I were to just say fuck it and dive head first into a relationship with her. And maybe that’s where the anger and sadness comes from, she most likely feels like I am sitting on a solution to her many problems. And while I would love to help her in any way I can because I care about her, I cannot jump back into a relationship with her just to help her solve her problems. It has to be because I want to be with her for now and in the future. I’ve been in too many relationships where I think I have to be in them because they need my help. And I’ve slowly started to realize that it’s not healthy to have such an imbalance in a relationship.

I guess that’s the thing about PhD. She doesn’t need me to help her. She actually is kind of against me helping her in any way. And that’s weird and refreshing at the same time. I almost don’t know what to do with myself. It’s taken a lot for me to be able to just step back and let PhD take control once in awhile. I definitely feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when I can “take care of my woman” so to speak. I am learning that, especially in a girl-girl relationship, there is some give-and-take to the balance of power. It’s a hard lesson for me to learn. I think because my mother raised me to take care of myself and not depend on anyone I’ve had a hard time learning that lesson. I was never around a partnership when I was younger, and I think that has really hurt me in regards to how to conduct myself in one. I’m not using it as an excuse, but I think I might have known a little more about what I need or want out of relationship had I seen one when I was growing up. PhD has her own set of issues with how she conducts herself in relationships, so I’m not the only one that has shit to work on. Sometimes when she mentions how her previous relationships were conducted, I get scared. Scared that she’s going to do the same thing to me. I know that’s not fair though because our relationship should be our own. A new one. A fresh start.

And honestly, that’s what PhD and I can have, that BG and I can’t.

Mind the Gap

Summer has officially begun. I had my final meetings yesterday. I packed up my classroom and turned in my grades. It’s been a school year that I’m happy to leave behind. I was not a fan of this year’s seventh graders. I shudder to think what they will be like as young adults. While there were many sweet kids in the grade, there were some that were straight up assholes. I’ve lost some amazing colleagues to the West Coast this year. I hope to follow them soon after. Speaking of the woman who may become the catalyst of my uprooting myself out of NYC, some days it feels great with her, and other days it feels not so great. I just don’t understand how we went from being so into each other when we lived 700 miles away, to now we can’t seem to get it together living together now.

Some of the issues that have come up since she started living with me I’ve already blogged about. Her not trusting me with BG. I guess that’s the main issue. However, some side issues have also popped up, that I just can’t seem to shake. Last night, I felt really unsettled with her because again the whole issue of affection came up. And again she said that she was only affectionate with me because she knew I liked it. She could take it or leave the affection part of the relationship. More so leave it. She mentioned that the only times she was affectionate in her other relationships were when she wanted something or she wanted sex. And in my mind, I was screaming at myself, “Why can’t I find a woman who likes being affectionate with me because she likes it? Why do I have to beg women for affection? Why do they have to force themselves to be affectionate with me?”

I’m affectionate with women because I’m attracted to them. I want to touch them. I want to hold their hand. But when I feel like that’s not what they want to be doing with a partner, or that’s not what they’re comfortable with, then I don’t feel like I can be affectionate with them. And that has been a problem that has dogged me for a good 3 women now. The only woman that I felt completely comfortable with the affection piece was LF. Maybe that’s why it was SO HARD for me to walk away from her. Now that I know how PhD feels about affection and that she’s been doing it because she knows I like it not because she enjoys it or is comfortable with it, i feel like it’s changed things a bit between us because I don’t feel comfortable being affectionate with her anymore. And it makes me sad.

On top of all this, BG is on my ass about not being able to hang out with her anytime she would want to hang out. She has this thing about me treating her EXACTLY like I treat my other friends. I don’t understand why she thinks she’s able to be EXACTLY like my other friends in my life. I never fucked any of my other friends. I never had romantic feelings for any of my other friends. I never said I’d marry any of my other friends. I just really cannot understand why she can’t see that she is not like any of my other friends. Yes, we are trying to bridge the jump between being exes and friends, but it’s not a fucking gap that we have to hop over. It’s the fucking Mississippi River of gaps I feel like. It’s going to take time. Especially with PhD’s insecurities and our history. So if I can only hang out in the afternoons because I don’t want to throw it in PhD’s face that I am hanging out with BG, then that’s what we have to do. I’m not saying it’s going to be forever, but it’s going to take time. Time that BG never wants to wait for. I think, in her mind, she’s already waited too long for anything with me. And I can see that. And I’m starting to feel like we will never be able to be true friends because of everything that has happened between us. And because if I continue to see her and hang out with her, I will never get over her. But I read an article about feeling like you’re unable to get over someone and really liked this phrase:

The point is, don’t stress if you are taking too long to move forward. Because sometimes, we don’t. That will not keep you from another grand love or a lifetime of satisfaction. It just means someone was important enough to make a permanent impression. You don’t have to get rid of them to make room. You have unlimited space for so many people. So cut yourself some slack. It’s okay to miss someone important. After all, you’re only human.

One might ask, well if you don’t think you’ll ever get over BG, and she’s more than willing to give you another chance, why not go for it. BG and I tried to get it together for almost a year, and it never happened. There was always something between us, and there was a reason why we did eventually break up. If the affection piece was on point with BG, I would have been with her. Hands down. However, because I crave affection, and that was an issue from day 1 with BG, I’m scared to even try again with her. I’m afraid that after the newness of being back together again, it will just go back to how it was. We also still have issues communicating with each other. Even as “friends”, we have issues communicating with each other. I don’t think she gets me. She doesn’t think I get her.

All of this to say, I have a long summer ahead of myself. Maybe all of these issues stem from myself. Maybe I am the reason why I keep falling for women who have affection issues. I don’t know.

Summer Vacation and Trust Begins. Hopefully.

Usually I have a countdown on my blog towards school being out. However, this year with everything else going on, I didn’t even have a chance to post a weekly countdown. And it’s not like I have a ton going on, besides my girlfriend moving in with me for the summer. I guess that’s it. I haven’t had too much time to myself of late. Which cuts down on my blogging time.

Things have died down considerably since my last post. I changed my phone code because of PhD’s little episode. I feel guilty for doing so, only because I do want everything to be open between us. However, I don’t think she can handle complete openness, and it’s not for lack of trying. I have tried being completely open with her, and I feel like it has royally backfired on me. From the get go, I told her about BG. And at first she acted cool about it, but when it got real and I started telling her more about what kind of friendship I wanted with BG, she let her insecurities get the best of her.

On one hand I do understand where PhD is coming from. I want to stay in contact with BG. I want to help her as much as I can. I want to hang out with her. All of those are definitely insecurity building actions given that BG is an ex. However, on the other hand, all my actions towards PhD have been building towards me wanting a future with her. I’m not moving my BG into my apartment. I’m not looking for California jobs for shits and giggles. I have a sweet ass deal here. Why would I give that up?

Because of PhD’s insecurities, I’ve continued to close myself off in regards to my feelings about BG and our friendship. Recently, things have been better between PhD and I. I emailed her an article about Trust which I found amazingly relevant for our situation. One of my favorite phrases from the article is this one:

Because at the end of the day, trust has nothing to do with the person you’re dating. It isn’t a magical feeling that springs into existence when someone passes our theoretical tests and says all the right things at all the right times. Trust is a decision. Trust is the waking, conscious choice to invest in another human being because you know that even if they betray you, you’ll be okay.

I still am trying to find a balance to being friends with BG while not igniting PhD’s insecurities. Not sure if there will ever be a balance there. I think BG is at her end point with me. Sometimes I want to just ask her if she wishes I would just walk out of her life and never appear ever again. I can’t even ask that question because I’m afraid of the answer. And I’m most likely too weak to never speak or think of her again. I feel like BG will only ever want more from me, and I will never be at a place to give her more. Which then seems to point to why be friends at all. Why am I making her life miserable by forcing her to be my friend.

The fact that it is June of 2015 already has not been lost on me. BG and I broke up June of 2014. And here we are again. Her wanting more. Me not giving her more. Me giving someone else what she wants from me. Fuck. I am such a selfish person. I’ve got to just let BG go. The thing is, I tried to do that back in September. And I was successful for 3 months because that was the goal I set for myself. But as soon as those three months were over, I immediately wanted to contact her. And now we’re back here. Life’s a bitch.

BG sent me an article that asked 5 questions:

Question 1: What is the most important to you in your relationship?

Question 2: Are you following your heart?

Question 3: Are you able to grow with/learn from your partner?

Question 4: Are you still dating ‘safely’?

Question 5: Are you letting your analytical side get in the way?

I’m still in the midst of answering these questions. I haven’t had much time to just sit and really reflect on them, but I do plan to.