It’s going on three weeks now since PhD moved in. There’s been more trouble than good times during those three weeks I would say. I don’t know what it is with my choice in women. All I want is a woman to enjoy me as much as I enjoy her. All I want is for her to trust my intentions towards her. All I want is to have a secure relationship with her. Is that so much to ask?
Now, I suppose the trouble hasn’t been completely unwarranted, but it sure is unnecessary. It all started with PhD’s request to not go to any restaurants that I’ve been with any of my other women I’ve dated. Then, escalated to her not wanting to have sex at a friend’s place I was house-sitting at because I’ve had other women I’ve dated there. She has this intense need to forge her own path with me, which I do understand. She doesn’t want to just be another notch in the pole. However, it’s getting a little ridiculous.
Fast forward to last weekend, PhD went through my phone messages. Specifically the message exchanges with BG. She at first wasn’t going to tell me, but I knew something was wrong. I finally asked her point blank if she went through my text messages, and she admitted to it. Now, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with the message exchange between BG and I that day, but PhD found everything wrong with the exchange. Basically accusing me of emotionally cheating on her. Since then, things have been very up and down. Every time she brings up BG now, we get into it. I’ve asked her if cutting BG off would help anything. She says no, because I would continue to think about her and want to talk to her. And I agree. Cutting BG off is not going to help things.
Just tonight, we got into again. And actually BG and I still text , but I’m trying to be careful to not text “too much”. Whatever that means. I know I’m not being fair to her either. I wish I could hang out with her anytime I wanted. I wish I could be the friend that she wants me to be. In my ideal world, PhD would be fine with my friendship with BG. While I know it may take a bigger person to be secure in her partner being friends with her ex, I don’t think it’s impossible. And that’s what I’m asking PhD to do for me. I don’t think it’s asking for too much. But maybe it is.
I’m tired of just texting BG. Sometimes when we text, we also get into it. Today, she actually uttered the words “Fuck you” to me. I don’t think she’s ever said those word to me. I know it’s because BG doesn’t feel like we have a friendship yet. I do want to hang out with her. I still really enjoy being in her presence. The pressure is off me right now to say or act or be a certain way. Nothing especially is on the line. Although probably BG’s friendship is. I feel like I can’t freely hang out with her with PhD around. BG predicted it. I hate how well she knows me.
PhD says I’m just with her because I don’t have any better options. Or that I can’t be with BG because I feel like BG can’t commit to me. That really hurts to hear. I feel like I’ve gone all in with PhD and that hasn’t been enough. I don’t know what else to do. The real reason why I feel like I can’t be with BG is because let’s say I do drop PhD for her. Who’s to say she’s going to trust me enough to give us a real chance. I just dumped another girl for her. I’ve actually already dumped one girl for her. I know she doesn’t see it that way, but I do. I don’t want to be the type of person that just dumps one woman for another one. I know there are people like that out there, but I’m not one of those.
I may need to go back into therapy…