Usually I have a countdown on my blog towards school being out. However, this year with everything else going on, I didn’t even have a chance to post a weekly countdown. And it’s not like I have a ton going on, besides my girlfriend moving in with me for the summer. I guess that’s it. I haven’t had too much time to myself of late. Which cuts down on my blogging time.
Things have died down considerably since my last post. I changed my phone code because of PhD’s little episode. I feel guilty for doing so, only because I do want everything to be open between us. However, I don’t think she can handle complete openness, and it’s not for lack of trying. I have tried being completely open with her, and I feel like it has royally backfired on me. From the get go, I told her about BG. And at first she acted cool about it, but when it got real and I started telling her more about what kind of friendship I wanted with BG, she let her insecurities get the best of her.
On one hand I do understand where PhD is coming from. I want to stay in contact with BG. I want to help her as much as I can. I want to hang out with her. All of those are definitely insecurity building actions given that BG is an ex. However, on the other hand, all my actions towards PhD have been building towards me wanting a future with her. I’m not moving my BG into my apartment. I’m not looking for California jobs for shits and giggles. I have a sweet ass deal here. Why would I give that up?
Because of PhD’s insecurities, I’ve continued to close myself off in regards to my feelings about BG and our friendship. Recently, things have been better between PhD and I. I emailed her an article about Trust which I found amazingly relevant for our situation. One of my favorite phrases from the article is this one:
Because at the end of the day, trust has nothing to do with the person you’re dating. It isn’t a magical feeling that springs into existence when someone passes our theoretical tests and says all the right things at all the right times. Trust is a decision. Trust is the waking, conscious choice to invest in another human being because you know that even if they betray you, you’ll be okay.
I still am trying to find a balance to being friends with BG while not igniting PhD’s insecurities. Not sure if there will ever be a balance there. I think BG is at her end point with me. Sometimes I want to just ask her if she wishes I would just walk out of her life and never appear ever again. I can’t even ask that question because I’m afraid of the answer. And I’m most likely too weak to never speak or think of her again. I feel like BG will only ever want more from me, and I will never be at a place to give her more. Which then seems to point to why be friends at all. Why am I making her life miserable by forcing her to be my friend.
The fact that it is June of 2015 already has not been lost on me. BG and I broke up June of 2014. And here we are again. Her wanting more. Me not giving her more. Me giving someone else what she wants from me. Fuck. I am such a selfish person. I’ve got to just let BG go. The thing is, I tried to do that back in September. And I was successful for 3 months because that was the goal I set for myself. But as soon as those three months were over, I immediately wanted to contact her. And now we’re back here. Life’s a bitch.
BG sent me an article that asked 5 questions:
Question 1: What is the most important to you in your relationship?
Question 2: Are you following your heart?
Question 3: Are you able to grow with/learn from your partner?
Question 4: Are you still dating ‘safely’?
Question 5: Are you letting your analytical side get in the way?
I’m still in the midst of answering these questions. I haven’t had much time to just sit and really reflect on them, but I do plan to.