Summer has officially begun. I had my final meetings yesterday. I packed up my classroom and turned in my grades. It’s been a school year that I’m happy to leave behind. I was not a fan of this year’s seventh graders. I shudder to think what they will be like as young adults. While there were many sweet kids in the grade, there were some that were straight up assholes. I’ve lost some amazing colleagues to the West Coast this year. I hope to follow them soon after. Speaking of the woman who may become the catalyst of my uprooting myself out of NYC, some days it feels great with her, and other days it feels not so great. I just don’t understand how we went from being so into each other when we lived 700 miles away, to now we can’t seem to get it together living together now.
Some of the issues that have come up since she started living with me I’ve already blogged about. Her not trusting me with BG. I guess that’s the main issue. However, some side issues have also popped up, that I just can’t seem to shake. Last night, I felt really unsettled with her because again the whole issue of affection came up. And again she said that she was only affectionate with me because she knew I liked it. She could take it or leave the affection part of the relationship. More so leave it. She mentioned that the only times she was affectionate in her other relationships were when she wanted something or she wanted sex. And in my mind, I was screaming at myself, “Why can’t I find a woman who likes being affectionate with me because she likes it? Why do I have to beg women for affection? Why do they have to force themselves to be affectionate with me?”
I’m affectionate with women because I’m attracted to them. I want to touch them. I want to hold their hand. But when I feel like that’s not what they want to be doing with a partner, or that’s not what they’re comfortable with, then I don’t feel like I can be affectionate with them. And that has been a problem that has dogged me for a good 3 women now. The only woman that I felt completely comfortable with the affection piece was LF. Maybe that’s why it was SO HARD for me to walk away from her. Now that I know how PhD feels about affection and that she’s been doing it because she knows I like it not because she enjoys it or is comfortable with it, i feel like it’s changed things a bit between us because I don’t feel comfortable being affectionate with her anymore. And it makes me sad.
On top of all this, BG is on my ass about not being able to hang out with her anytime she would want to hang out. She has this thing about me treating her EXACTLY like I treat my other friends. I don’t understand why she thinks she’s able to be EXACTLY like my other friends in my life. I never fucked any of my other friends. I never had romantic feelings for any of my other friends. I never said I’d marry any of my other friends. I just really cannot understand why she can’t see that she is not like any of my other friends. Yes, we are trying to bridge the jump between being exes and friends, but it’s not a fucking gap that we have to hop over. It’s the fucking Mississippi River of gaps I feel like. It’s going to take time. Especially with PhD’s insecurities and our history. So if I can only hang out in the afternoons because I don’t want to throw it in PhD’s face that I am hanging out with BG, then that’s what we have to do. I’m not saying it’s going to be forever, but it’s going to take time. Time that BG never wants to wait for. I think, in her mind, she’s already waited too long for anything with me. And I can see that. And I’m starting to feel like we will never be able to be true friends because of everything that has happened between us. And because if I continue to see her and hang out with her, I will never get over her. But I read an article about feeling like you’re unable to get over someone and really liked this phrase:
The point is, don’t stress if you are taking too long to move forward. Because sometimes, we don’t. That will not keep you from another grand love or a lifetime of satisfaction. It just means someone was important enough to make a permanent impression. You don’t have to get rid of them to make room. You have unlimited space for so many people. So cut yourself some slack. It’s okay to miss someone important. After all, you’re only human.
One might ask, well if you don’t think you’ll ever get over BG, and she’s more than willing to give you another chance, why not go for it. BG and I tried to get it together for almost a year, and it never happened. There was always something between us, and there was a reason why we did eventually break up. If the affection piece was on point with BG, I would have been with her. Hands down. However, because I crave affection, and that was an issue from day 1 with BG, I’m scared to even try again with her. I’m afraid that after the newness of being back together again, it will just go back to how it was. We also still have issues communicating with each other. Even as “friends”, we have issues communicating with each other. I don’t think she gets me. She doesn’t think I get her.
All of this to say, I have a long summer ahead of myself. Maybe all of these issues stem from myself. Maybe I am the reason why I keep falling for women who have affection issues. I don’t know.