The Balance of Power

I’m starting my first official week of vacation!! This means 11 weeks of pure freedom from a job. As always, despite my efforts to find a job (which were not very aggressive efforts), I don’t have a summer job. I would love to find a neighborhood bar I could bar tend at during the summers. Maybe I should go to bar tending school and get a little bit of knowledge. I always say I’m going to do all these things, but then I never end up doing anything. Really all I’m looking forward to doing is catching up on my reading, playing video games, and hanging with my girl. I know these 11 weeks will fly by and pretty soon I’ll be back to working and in a long distance relationship again.

Speaking of PhD and I, we’ve been doing quite well. After the little affection talk we had, I think she’s been making more of an effort to be natural about it, and I’ve been making more of an effort to not put so much emphasis on it. I’ve started opening up to her about what’s happening with BG. Not that there’s anything happening, but I never even wanted to mention to PhD that I was still texting her for fear of insecurities popping up again. BG unfriended me and blocked me again for the umpteenth time on Facebook over the weekend. Although it didn’t last long. She was feeling super low and sent me numerous texts about how I didn’t value or appreciate her even as a friend because I couldn’t be there for her or she couldn’t count on me to choose her over PhD.

I know she may say that she’s not asking me to choose her over PhD, but it sure feels that way. BG keeps asking me what I want with her. She doesn’t think I want to be friends with her because I have all these limitations regarding her. I almost was at my wits end this weekend because she actually ended up calling me, and I picked up (with PhD there!). Something BG has accused me of never doing, but she also most likely won’t even believe me if I told her she was there. I digress. BG was very upset about something I had texted and took it completely wrong. And this is why I hate texting these days. Especially with BG. She was so upset with me though, the second time in a couple weeks I feel like. Sometimes I think maybe I should just step back and stop trying to be involved in her life. Her reactions towards me are sometimes so intense and full of sadness and what seems like anger. I hate seeing her react that way towards me. I don’t want to cause sadness and anger in someone. Especially someone I’m trying to be friends with and someone I care about. I know that a lot of the reaction comes from where she’s at in life right now. Which is not in a very good place. I know that things could/might be better for her if I were to just say fuck it and dive head first into a relationship with her. And maybe that’s where the anger and sadness comes from, she most likely feels like I am sitting on a solution to her many problems. And while I would love to help her in any way I can because I care about her, I cannot jump back into a relationship with her just to help her solve her problems. It has to be because I want to be with her for now and in the future. I’ve been in too many relationships where I think I have to be in them because they need my help. And I’ve slowly started to realize that it’s not healthy to have such an imbalance in a relationship.

I guess that’s the thing about PhD. She doesn’t need me to help her. She actually is kind of against me helping her in any way. And that’s weird and refreshing at the same time. I almost don’t know what to do with myself. It’s taken a lot for me to be able to just step back and let PhD take control once in awhile. I definitely feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when I can “take care of my woman” so to speak. I am learning that, especially in a girl-girl relationship, there is some give-and-take to the balance of power. It’s a hard lesson for me to learn. I think because my mother raised me to take care of myself and not depend on anyone I’ve had a hard time learning that lesson. I was never around a partnership when I was younger, and I think that has really hurt me in regards to how to conduct myself in one. I’m not using it as an excuse, but I think I might have known a little more about what I need or want out of relationship had I seen one when I was growing up. PhD has her own set of issues with how she conducts herself in relationships, so I’m not the only one that has shit to work on. Sometimes when she mentions how her previous relationships were conducted, I get scared. Scared that she’s going to do the same thing to me. I know that’s not fair though because our relationship should be our own. A new one. A fresh start.

And honestly, that’s what PhD and I can have, that BG and I can’t.


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