Bye. Forever

I swear Thought Catalog has psychic abilities and is tailored just for me. Maybe it’s some higher power’s way of communicating with me. Do you ever wonder why it is that certain things/people/articles cross your life path at exactly the right moment? This article came across my Facebook today. “Why you can’t let that one person go, no matter how hard you try”. This coming the morning after BG sent me a million texts and two emails. All of them dwindling down to “Bye. Forever”.

My heart sank. I really had high hopes that we would be able to be friends. She told me what I already knew to be true. She couldn’t trust me. She would never trust me romantically. And even as a friend, she showed that she would never trust me. Every action of mine post break up was suspect. Every single damn thing. I don’t even know what I was thinking. Why do I think I deserve to be her friend? I think I deserve to be her friend because I want to be there for her. I want to support her. I want to see her follow her passions. She had an impact on my life. Just because we didn’t work out romantically doesn’t mean we have to have nothing to do with each other. So let’s be damn friends. I don’t get it. She has a woman that likes her. Possibly loves her. I really thought that since both of us were in respective relationships that we enjoyed and wanted to be in, it would make it easier for us to be friends. Clearly I was mistaken.

The fact that today, June 23rd, 2015 makes it over a year now since we officially broke up is not lost on me. The fact that it has been over a year now, and it seems like we’re still having the same problems. And we’re not even dating! Maybe I should have waited this whole year without speaking to her. Maybe then, we could have had a chance to start new as friends. But of course, I had to jump the gun. I had to push my way back into her life, when clearly neither one of us was ready. I think if I were male, I would definitely be a premature ejaculator. I would say many of my actions are often premature. Without thought.

All of this to say, I most likely will always want to be friends with BG. I take this year back in communication with her as a lesson that I need to heed my dear friend’s advice. Any big break up needs a year to recover. I know there’s some part of BG that does want to be my friend. But there’s another part of her that is still quite hurt by everything I did to her. And me being in her life is not helping her to forget that piece. And what I’ve seen of her actions in these past months is that she needs me out of her life.

So I begin again. I’m not even going to say that I want to forget her, I want to let her go. Because I don’t want to do any of those things. But I do have to let her live her own life. She explicitly said that she did not want to hear from me. She did not want any of my support: financial or emotional. I did try to text and call. It seems as like last time, she blocked my number again. It’s evident that me being in her life again is causing her pain and sadness given the number of times she’s broken down with me in the past weeks.

What was I thinking? Maybe in another year. In another year we both will be in completely different places in our lives hopefully. Maybe then a friendship will be possible.

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