And so it goes. PhD made a comment last night that hit me hard. She said “sometimes talking to you is like talking to a wall”. This is not the first time I’ve heard this comment from someone I dated. I believe BG made this comment also. It’s all or nothing with my emotions. Either I show no emotion and I look like an asshole who doesn’t care, or I show too much and I look like a cry baby. There is no happy medium for me. I don’t know why it’s like that. Maybe I didn’t have enough practice getting in touch with my emotions when I was younger. PhD and I didn’t really have an intense talk or argument. It was just an observation on her part.
I’m still a bit confused as to how I’m sitting here on the day I was supposed to do something fun with BG, and she’s not talking to me anymore (forever). We had talked about doing something fun today since I couldn’t hang out with her on Monday. However, Monday night she decided she didn’t want me in her life anymore. The thing that hurts the most is that she thinks I was such a horrible person towards her. She thought that I was going to hold my financial help over her head. I don’t understand where that came from. Yes, I gave her a lot of my money. Not once did I ever mention it to her. Not once did I ever hold it over her head. I was coming from a very pure place of wanting to help her out of her situation. I just wanted to help her have a better life. That’s all. I didn’t want anything else from her, except her friendship. She said that I’m not a sympathetic or empathetic person. I am. I could imagine how it must have felt to be her with no options. That’s why I wanted to help her. She says I’ve never been kind to her. She said a lot of things to me that I just didn’t understand where she was coming from.
This last six months of trying to be her friend failed miserably. And I really don’t think it was my fault. I did my best to be there for her. To be open with where I was. I made my relationship with PhD uncomfortable for her because I wanted to remain her friend. She just was not ready to accept what I was offering. Or wanted more than I could offer. And I can’t blame her for that. I can’t blame anyone for that. We’re just in different places. I just wish it didn’t have to be so hostile. Why can’t we hang out once in awhile. Catch up. I get why we might not be super close buds. But geez. Does it have to be the Cold War between us? Why does it have to be absolutely no communication? Why does it have to be absolutely no connections?
At this point, I’m just going to let her be. She said her piece. She didn’t let me say mine because she doesn’t trust me. So whatever I say will fall on deaf ears. I’m sure PhD is a little happier that BG doesn’t want me in her life anymore. I’m going to LA with PhD next week for a long weekend. I’m looking forward to that. We’re slowly maneuvering our way through our relationship. Figuring each other out. There are things that bug me about her that I’ll write about later. And I’m sure there are things that bug her about me. I hope that I’ve learned enough lessons now to really make a go of this relationship. That is my hope because PhD is quite the woman. I still am amazed that I met her in Indiana. After all those years going there to visit during Christmas and summers. I meet her right before she leaves Indy. Ridiculous coincidence.