The Heart Wants What It Wants

scotuswebHappy Pride everyone! Still trying to absorb the dramatic social change that has just happened this past week not only with SCOTUS’s decision on marriage equality but also on Obamacare.

I thought I’d take some time and answer the following questions. It’s fitting given my conversation with PhD over the weekend. We ended up going to a Pride Party on Friday (Priday) after taking a bunch of M. It seems when we are both on M, we get very chatty and honest with each other. We really have committed to making this work. I’ve talked more about the future with her than even my long time ex (4 and a half years). I told her that the reason why I don’t tell her things/divulge information is because I don’t want her to break up with me. That is the number one reason why I hide things from my partners.

Question 1: What is the most important to you in your relationship?

I need to feel secure in my relationship. I need to feel like I can be honest with my partner without fear of judgement or abandonment. I need to feel like I am attractive to my partner. I need to be on the same page as my partner. We need to want the same goals in life. I need a woman who can be my equal. I need a woman who won’t let me get away with anything. I need a woman who won’t let me do everything for her.

Question 2: Are you following your heart?

Yes. As much confusion I went through with BG, I felt that she would never be able to trust me after everything that had happened given her comments and actions towards me in the last 6 months. And those feelings were confirmed just this week. It is unfortunate everything that went down with BG, and I still wish we could be friends, but I need to stop trying to force it with her. If she can’t be friends, so be it. I went all in with PhD. We were exclusive faster than any other woman I’ve ever been with. I decided with PhD that I wasn’t going to hold back. I wasn’t going to be cautious. I wanted a relationship with an awesome woman. She landed in my lap. I’m running with it (or her).

Question 3: Are you able to grow with/learn from your partner?

I am able to grow with/learn from PhD. We are very different in some ways, but also similar in other ways. Our values are the same. What we think is important in a relationship is the same. I’m still figuring her out and am looking forward to continuing to figure her out for years to come. She challenges me to be more open. I challenge her to think more positively.

Question 4: Are you still dating ‘safely’?

I wouldn’t say PhD is a “safe” choice for me. She’s had quite a few long term relationships that have all ended in cheating. And that’s a gamble I’ll have to take.

Question 5: Are you letting your analytical side get in the way?

When it comes to relationships, I don’t think analytically at all. I think with my heart and my proverbial dick for the most part. Analytically, I never should have gotten in contact with BG again. I never should have tried to force myself into her life. I also probably should not have gotten into a relationship with PhD given that she’s moving to LA in August. PhD is also not over her exes (male and female). However, the heart wants what it wants.

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