Struggling a Bit today…

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Both thoughts are so true for me. So so true. I wish I knew what I wanted. I thought I did. But maybe I don’t. Why can’t life be more clear cut?

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Life (sometimes) has other plans

This week has gone by quite fast without PhD here. Mostly because I’ve been keeping myself busy I think. I did a lot of work in the apartment in preparation for my August sublet. I also have a delivery gig that I just started last week. I don’t especially do it for the money, although the extra cash is nice. I think I made close to $500 this week being out every night delivering. It is a rough job, especially if you don’t have a car. However, what I like most about it is getting a glimpse into random strangers’ lives. I delivered Shake Shack to this multi-million dollar apartment in the West Village the other night. For the most part because this is premium service I usually deliver to pretty nice apartments/houses. There’s also a sense of anticipation when a job comes through that I like because I never know where I’m going to go/how big the order is going to be/etc. I know some people think I’m crazy to enjoy a job like this. Especially when I don’t need to be working. But I like making money. I’ll most likely continue this gig when I have a couple hours here and there to spare. It’s pretty easy money. And very flexible.

PhD is back tonight. I’m looking forward to seeing her again. She mentioned last night (while tipsy I think) that she felt like she’s been a bitch this whole summer, and that she didn’t think she appreciated me very much. In my mind, I felt a sense of satisfaction that it hasn’t been all in my head, but I didn’t say anything in regards to agreeing or disagreeing with her statement. I just let it hang. I wonder if I should have agreed? Should I have let her know then that she has been a bitch and that it’s been a rough summer with her? I feel like there’s a level of maturity involved here. If someone comes to their own self-realization of their wrong actions, there’s no need for me to rub it in. BG doesn’t seem to understand that. Or hold that to her standard. I realized a thousand times over what I did to her was wrong. I told her so. I apologized countless times and attempted to make up for my wrong actions. She continued to want to bring it up and throw it in my face. Whether as a joke or not, it wasn’t helping us move forward. And so in the end, we couldn’t move forward.

I ran into BG last night. I needed a drink after last nights’ bout of deliveries. Especially after having to deliver McDonald’s and Crif Dogs as the last deliveries of the night. The McDonald’s on Delancey could be one of the worst McDonald’s in the country. Those of you who live in NYC, you know what I’m talking about. Having to work around people who are drunk is not fun. Not fun at all. I feel bad for all the service people who work on Friday and Saturday nights. I could have gone to any bar. But I purposely went to the bar that I knew she might be at. Just to see if I would run into her. I actually thought the chances were low because I got there pretty late. However, after I got my drink and walked around the dance floor, I did run into her. She was with someone. I didn’t get a good look at her date. I wish I had. When I saw her, I didn’t really know what to say to her. Her reception of me was pretty cold. She asked me what I was doing there. If I was alone. I don’t think I answered her questions. She said something about how she needed to stay away from me. Come to think of it. I don’t even remember what I said to her. I was a bit taken aback that she was there. Even though I went there to run into her. I confuse myself. I guess it may have been different if she had been alone. Maybe? Probably not. I would have been my usual awkward self around her. Is it because I’m  attracted to her/still have feelings for her that makes me this way? I’m extremely attracted to PhD, and she doesn’t make me feel the way I feel around BG.  And it’s that exact feeling that I think makes me unable to forget about BG and sad that we can’t be friends. It’s not a bad feeling at all. I don’t even know how to describe it.

I didn’t stay at the bar long. I guess I just wanted to say hi if she was there, and I did. I accomplished what I wanted to. I suppose in some way PhD was right. I did want to contact BG in someway, somehow while she was gone. The question is, why did I feel the need to do that? I have one more week here in the city, and then I’m gone for a month. Hopefully PhD and I will have an enjoyable time together before I come back, and we begin our LDR again. I really don’t know if we’re going to make it. She said something about it last night. She said that the distance was going to be super hard for her. I asked her if it was going to be too hard. She said no. I want for us to make it. She wants for us to make it. But, life sometimes has other plans.

Questions, but no answers

Feeling anxious about things. Especially things with PhD. I suppose we’ve really only been together (officially) for almost 6 months. Is it the 6 months jitters? Is it the fact that I have to invest so much into this relationship if I want to see it through? Is it because PhD and I seem to have communication problems? Just the other night, we had another little issue. It wasn’t really a fight, but she did the whole “please don’t get mad” thing AGAIN. I need to tell her to stop doing that because it just makes me even more mad. I was looking forward to this coming week with her because she won’t have a job. I was looking forward to the time together alone since it will be our last week here in NYC. She then springs on me that she has friends and family that are coming to visit the whole fucking week. Of course staying with us. Of course I’m going to be mad. She knew it, hence why she said please don’t get mad. Don’t I have the right to be a little irritated? This wasn’t a discussion. She didn’t tell me about this beforehand. It was more of a this is happening. I hope you don’t get mad. Sigh. Then she was irritated because I was mad. She then backpedaled and said that she didn’t want those friends to visit anymore, and that she would put her cousins in a hotel. Fuck. Sometimes I think she just doesn’t understand where I’m coming from.

And then there are the times where I can feel that she does really like me. Probably more than anyone has. Except maybe my first girlfriend. She makes me feel attractive. And wanted. And sexy. That’s hard to find. It’s hard to find someone who is just as into you as you are her. That’s what keeps me hooked. She is still pretty insecure about BG. Even though I haven’t spoken to BG in over a month now. (That one time a couple weeks ago doesn’t count.) Even though I told her I wasn’t going to be trying to be in either BG or LF’s lives anymore. And I’ve stood by my commitment of that. PhD was absolutely convinced that I would try to contact BG while she was away. I’m very serious about not contacting BG for a very long while. As much as I care about that woman and want to be in her life, even after all the shit she said to me, I need to step back. I don’t know what else I can do to help PhD feel more secure. I suppose that’s what it will boil down to. If she can overcome her insecurity or not. Her last two exes really fucked her up. Royally. Her male ex of 7 years secretly taped the two of them having sex multiple times throughout their time together. She found her female ex with another woman in bed. I wonder if she’ll ever recover from that. Sometimes it seems like she won’t.

I’m anxious about our road trip across the country. Normally I love road trips. However, PhD does not like them. And by now, I know that if PhD is not happy, no one is. We’re only doing this road trip to save money in her mind. I just hope she’s not going to be negative and pessimistic the whole time. I should have a plan for if she does become negative. I was talking to my long time ex about how negative PhD was. She said that I was one of the rare people who was super positive about everything. That got me thinking, am I abnormally positive? That’s annoying also. No one’s ever told me that I am too positive.

I don’t like being anxious. I guess I really have to ask myself if this is truly the relationship for me. Because so far, I’ve been anxious and sad and misunderstood. Yes, there have been good things about being with PhD. But, shit. I thought it was going to be easier than this. How much is too much conflict in a relationship? I keep reading articles about how it’s important to know how to argue with your SO. It’s important that you don’t always agree. Maybe we have a normal amount of conflict, and I’m just the one that needs to work on being able to handle conflict. I don’t even know. I have no answers. And so many questions.

Too much to expect…

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I can’t help but think that if I had ended things with BG amicably, we could actually be friends. Her reaching out a couple days ago has really made me want to reach out to her again. I just don’t think it’s a good idea though. I really don’t. She said some really mean and brutal things to me last time.

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For her and my sake, we need to give each other more time to move on. I don’t think I let her do that. And I’m sorry I was impatient because I made things worse for us. And frankly, I need more time to get over my feelings for her too. As pathetic as it sounds, a year+ later, I do still have feelings for her. I don’t even know why. I know I have feelings for her still because of the way I felt when she texted me the other day. And at this point, I really need them to go away.

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With PhD gone on her cruise for a week, there’s a huge temptation for me to reach out to BG. To want to see her. To try again to be friends. But, that would be reckless of me. And futile because even though BG texted, it wasn’t that she really wanted to be friendly again. I don’t know why she reached out. Maybe she had a moment of weakness and wanted to text me. I’m sure she’s hating herself for it. She never wanted me to see her actually care about anything regarding me.

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We need time. And space. I don’t know how or why BG got under my skin so deep. But it’s been pretty tough getting her out from under it. Things with PhD have been much more stable since I stopped trying to be a part of BG’s life or rather since BG shut that down. I don’t even know what I thought would happen. There were moments between BG and I when I thought everything was going well. That’s what I wanted. I wanted a fun, worry-free friendship with her. No pressure. No strings. I guess that was too much to expect. I think PhD and I had another mini breakthrough this week. The recent argument we had helped us really see what each of us needed in terms of “cooling off”. We had a really fun weekend together, partially because she was in a much better mood. I did tell her that BG recently reached out. If she felt any sort of way about it, she didn’t let it show. PhD has also stopped talking about her ex as much. Which is kind of a relief. I was starting to hate her ex’s name. And I was starting to cringe and feel some sort of way when she talked about her. I don’t want to feel that way. I’m not opposed to her talking about her ex, but daily mentionings of her ex I thought were a bit excessive. Thank god she stopped.

I’ll be taking a month long vacation in August. Splitting my time between LA and Indy helping PhD get settled in her new life and spending time with family. I got someone to stay in my extra room in my apartment for a month. I’m relieved that I don’t have to pay a full month’s rent for an empty apartment. I guess that’s one of the perks of living in a famous city. Easy to find people that need a place to stay. However, I am worried about my stuff. But, the girl that wants to live here has a sugar daddy who came by last night and paid  one month rent + one month deposit. CASH. I think they’re serious about it. I just hope they don’t have sex all over my couch. Maybe that’s also too much to expect…

Despite our Differences…

PhD apologized again about the other night. This time with a super cute card. The way to my heart is handwritten notes or cards, and PhD has a really good card game. Throughout our time together she has done a laundry list of things that I fantasized a woman doing for me back when I was in the closet. I think this is why I’m so into her. She treats me the way I want to be treated as a girlfriend. So despite our differences and our miscommunications, I have to see this through. I have to see where this goes. Even if I end up being heartbroken at the end.

Today is her last day at her horrible job. I can already see and feel her mood lifting. That’s been a plus. I think her passport issue has been sorted out – $600+ later. I told her that she needs to write a complaint to the stupid Canadian passport bureau. The Canadian Passport Bureau is a fucking gangster ass thug of an organization that preys on people and sucks them of their money for no good fucking reason. They rape people in the ass financially just for the fun of it. Literally. Yea I said it. I don’t think she will send in a complaint though. I might write one for her, since I have a lot of time on my hands. I’m looking forward to our week together when she gets back from her cruise. This will be the first time both of us are not working at all this summer. Although maybe I shouldn’t look forward to it because everything I’ve looked forward to this past year has not gone at all according to plan. I guess I am looking forward to my week alone coming up. At least that I can look forward to since it’s just me, myself, and I.

BG texted me yesterday. Out of the blue. After she cut me off for the millionth time. After blocking me on everything she could block me on. After telling me that she thought I was a shit human being unable to love or be loved under any capacity. After telling me it was over. We both needed to move on. She didn’t want me in her life ever and forever. It took me by surprise since I thought for sure after this round of blocking and demeaning comments directed towards me, she was for real about me not coming back into her life. She seems to always think that she can unleash whatever she wants on me, and I should just take it. I didn’t even know what to say to her. I didn’t know why she was contacting me. The last time she was in communication with me, she clearly did not think highly of me. In her words she said she didn’t want anything to do with me. But then she pops back up with a “how are you” text. What’s that all about? I told her I was tired of her jerking me around. She doesn’t see her actions as jerking me around. But if an outsider were to look at our text history, I think they would agree with me. One day she was fine with being friends, the next day she’s not. Then the next week, she’s changed her mind about being friends, and then the next day she’s ok. One day she’s blocking me on Facebook, the next day she adds me back. I don’t get it. I’ve never claimed to be perfect. I’ve never claimed to be better than anyone else. But I do claim to be kind and do whatever I can to help people I care about. That’s all I’ve ever claimed to try to do. She doesn’t see me that way. And I don’t think she ever will. Even in this most recent text exchange, she brought up again how I failed at my promises and fucked her over. I told her it confused me. Her reaching out. Of course it confuses me. It makes me think that she wants to be friendly. Why ask how someone (who you think is a shit human being) is doing if you don’t care what happens to them in this life or next? It’s confusing. And when I asked how she was doing, her reply was that she got rid of “bothersome things and people”, so her life was better. Why is she contacting me then? I can only assume that I fall into her “bothersome people” category. Confusion abounds. If you want to be my friend, be my friend. If not, then I don’t know what else to do or help you with. But I am not going to play this game of one day we’re friends, the next day we’re not. I am too old for that shit. Yes, BG and I have our differences. Major ones. And if we can’t get over them in a mature way, then maybe it’s the Universe telling us we shouldn’t be friends.

Apology Not Accepted

Well, yesterday ended up pretty badly. I guess it’s my fault that I didn’t tell PhD how I was feeling about everything until after the fact. I met her for lunch (as is my usual thing to do). She was (as usual) freaking out about her most recent “crisis” in her life. So lunch ended up with her on the phone while I stood around looking foolish. So that didn’t help things. Then when she came home, it was again crisis mode because of this passport issue she’s been having. So we had to run around getting stuff done for that. We finally stopped for a drink and something to eat at a neighborhood place. While we were waiting for our food, I casually mentioned that I was looking forward to seeing the new Mission Impossible movie after seeing a preview for it on the bar TV, and she responded with what I heard and perceived as a pretty bitchy ass question of “why do you like movies like that”? That’s when I kinda lost it. That was the final straw of her negativity and pessimism.

And as usual, I could not contain my tears. And because I didn’t want to make a scene at the bar, I just shut down. Completely and utterly shut down. I stopped talking to her. I stopped looking at her. It was like she just wasn’t there. I remember hearing her ask “How am I supposed to ask you questions? How can I have a conversation with you without you getting upset?” I didn’t answer her. That’s like asking someone after the fact, how can I hit you so that it doesn’t hurt? How the fuck are you supposed to answer that question? I don’t even know. It wasn’t even about the stupid movie conversation we were having. It was about her inability to acknowledge that we have differences but it doesn’t mean one is better than than the other.

Anyway, the rest of the dinner was spent in silence, and she ended up going home before me. I desperately wanted to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes at that point. If only to calm myself down. However, I’m going on over 3 months of non-smoking, and I really don’t want to break that chain. I did the next best thing, and found a vape place that let me just try a whole bunch of their flavors. That helped calm my emotions a little.

We both spent a couple hours apart without any communication, and when we finally talked about it later on in the night PhD thought I had over reacted, of course. She didn’t understand why a little question like that would upset me so much. She said she was “free-spirited” and didn’t ever want to filter questions and comments. I tried to help her understand that this wasn’t about the actual question or the conversation. We have had many questions and conversations back and forth between that I have not gotten upset about. It was about the way she flippantly cut me off and made it seem like I was stupid for liking movies like that. I think she still didn’t understand where I was coming from. That conversation led to this summer and what I talked about in my last post. I asked her if she thought it was a mistake to move to NYC and in with me for the summer. I asked her if she was happy. I asked her what I could do to make her stay more enjoyable. I told her that I wasn’t happy but I usually was. And it seemed as if she took it the wrong way. Like I used to be happy when she wasn’t living with me. And now I wasn’t happy. So it must be because of her. And that’s not what I was trying to say to her at all.

I really want it to work with this woman. I really really do. But like she said last night, we have communication issues. We seriously do. Do all couples have communication issues like this? Is this normal? I suppose with my first girlfriend we didn’t communicate much because of a language barrier. With BG, we had major communication issues. I have a whole book documenting the many communication issues we had. With LF, we didn’t talk too much about anything deep about our relationship or being together. We just were together. Naturally. Things were super easy with LF. Maybe too easy.

PhD makes comments like, maybe this is why all my partners cheat on me. And it’s a lot of ‘woe is me” with her. I guess I’m not the first partner to bring up the fact that she sometimes does things that hurt other people, but she has no idea what she did. I don’t understand that. She did apologize for what happened earlier. What kind of apology is it if the person doesn’t even understand what happened?

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Feeling Sad and Stupid

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I don’t know what I’m feeling at the moment. Sometimes things with PhD feel good. Other times they don’t. Is this what a good relationship looks like? I keep reading articles about what good relationships look like. Or how to know when you’ve found “the one”. Or 10 signs that you’re in the right relationship. I don’t think that’s helping. Sometimes PhD makes me feel like she really doesn’t like who I am at the core. I waste too much food. I don’t exercise enough. I tell her to keep her bag closed too often (she’s always running around this city with her bags wide open). I want to go out to eat too much. My friends are too straight. Blah, blah, blah. All of these are turnoffs for her. So why the hell is she with me. She’s going on a cruise next week with her family. I can’t say that I’m not looking forward to the time alone.

It doesn’t help that BG has been on my mind more often these days. Last weekend PhD and I went to a bar/club that she and I often ended up at. That seemed to bring on an onslaught of memories of her. I dreamt about her that very night. Even though at that very bar was where I saw BG get very cozy with another woman, so it shouldn’t be a good memory for me. My brain is stupid. Or my heart is stupid. Or both. I wish I could cut out the part of the brain and heart that will not forget about her. I really wish I could. For both her and my sake. She clearly doesn’t want me in her life. Doesn’t want anything to do with me. Even as a friend. At least I’m smart enough to figure that out by now.

I think the time away from PhD will help settle my feelings. This summer definitely is not how I saw the summer panning out. I thought this summer was going to be all fun and games with her. I thought the cute, bubbly, excitable woman I was long distance dating was going to be living with me. I thought we were going to go out and do a bunch of fun stuff together. Have a lot of sex. Grow to enjoy each other that much more. Instead a negative, insecure, pessimistic, moody woman came to live with me. I feel like it’s pushed us apart in some ways. It’s made us see parts of each other that could be deal breakers. And that makes me sad. Really sad. It makes me feel like I’ll never find someone I can truly be myself with. It makes me feel like I will always be alone. It makes me feel like the unwanted orphan I’ve always been. I have only one person in the whole wide world that chose me. And that was my (adoptive) mom. And even she doesn’t accept who I truly am which is that she chose a daughter who loves women. A daughter who wants nothing more than to have a family and a life with another woman. A daughter who desperately wishes she could share her thoughts and desires with her mother without any judgement.

Wow. This is pretty sad post. I’m going to go try to have a better day now.