Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe

July 1st is already here. The summer is clipping along, and I don’t really want it to. Partly because I know that when summer ends, I’ll be back in a long distance relationship again. I don’t really want to be in a long distance relationship. But, life doesn’t often give you your choice of events. Recently though, I’ve discovered some of the positive things about being in a long distance relationship. One, you don’t get tired of each other. Two, sex is hotter and more passionate. Three, you don’t have to deal with the day to day irritations that come with living with a partner.

PhD woke up in a bad mood today. I feel like she’s been in a bad mood a lot recently. I don’t know if it’s because she hates her current job in the city. Or maybe she’s stressed about her financial situation. Or maybe she’s having second thoughts about being in a relationship with me. Or maybe she doesn’t like our sex life. Or maybe she’s just normally in a bad mood, but I didn’t pick up on it because we were long distance. I don’t know.

I just know that I am usually in a good mood. But if my partner is in a bad mood, it immediately kills my good vibe. And I don’t like it. And to anyone who says you shouldn’t let other people affect your moods, I say fuck you. Not everyone has the privilege of being narcissistic and egotistical. Yes, people’s moods affect my moods. And I sense it immediately when there is a change in mood. And I want to fix it immediately. There are some people who can go about life not caring or worrying about how other people are feeling. I can’t.

I feel like I may be dating a pattern. All the women that I’ve liked intensely have been cynical, pessimistic, and worst case scenario type women. PhD is definitely cynical and pessimistic. She worries about what’s going to happen if we break up and are living together. Are we going to continue living together? Will I treat her like I treated my ex (who I lived with)? PhD is shocked by the fact that I still dated and brought other women home when I was living with my ex. How am I supposed to respond to a conversation like that? Can’t we just take things a day at a time?

We’re about to go on a seemingly wonderful 5 day weekend today. We’re headed to LA to visit some of my friends and scope out neighborhoods. I hate starting out vacations in bad moods. I really hope when I see her next, she’ll be in a better mood.

I guess I’ve also been in sort of a funk. LF texted the other day and said all of this was too much for her. Us texting, me talking  to her about PhD. Apparently, she’s jealous of my “new super fast relationship that I’m in”. She said she needed a break. Not sure what that means, but at least she didn’t go all out and tell me how I was a shit human being like BG did. I may have been wrong about being friends with exes. Although LF always wanted to be a friend. This time she’s the one saying she needs a break. So, if there’s one thing I’m good at, I’m good at giving people breaks. Maybe neither one of them needs to be in my life anymore, and I’m just trying to force them into it. I found something in my suitcase today that reminded me of BG and our good days many moons ago. Back when it was just the two of us. It was such a small reminder, and I almost didn’t remember when or who I was with, but it was definitely BG. Yet again, Thought Catalog came out with a nicely timed article about staying friends with exes.

There is nothing painless about falling out of romantic devotion. There is nothing simple about watching the person we once loved with our entire hearts move on and love somebody else. There is nothing easy about losing love in any form but that doesn’t mean that we have to lose it altogether. It takes willpower to cast someone we once loved out of our lives. It takes true, unadulterated strength to keep them in it.

Maybe I just need to get out of this city. Start new. Make new friends. New memories.


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