West vs. East Part 1

Just got back from LA and San Diego. This trip just solidified in my head that I do want to move to LA. I want to live there at least once in my life. Whether it’s for a GF or for myself. I must live there at least once. There was so much I wanted to do there. And so little time. I can’t wait to be driving my little box all around that city.

PhD and I got along quite well this time. Apparently she was super frustrated with me during our last trip because I acted like a know-it-all. On our last trip, I could sense that she was in some sort of mood at times. I never want to ask someone if it’s something I said or did though. I feel like that’s a bit arrogant of me to assume they’re in a bad mood because of me. I assume it’s not always about me. Maybe I should start asking more? This trip I tried to be more aware of when I wanted to jump in and do things for her. She’s right. I do tend to try to just do everything in a relationship. She’s the only woman that has been pretty unyielding to accepting that habit of mine.

We saw quite a few apartments in two days, and PhD finally did settle on one. I’m excited to still be in NYC while visiting her this coming year. I hope that I can find a decent roommate for the year to fund all this visiting. Her new apartment has crazy amenities, and since her apartment is in the valley, it’s nice and hot. LA has a very different vibe. People are nicer for the most part. We observed that the service people are still rude, but the general population is very nice. We hung out with two of my high school friends. It’s always a little surreal to me hanging out with friends you’ve known since you were 14 years old. Amazing how we can still shoot the shit and chill after all these years. Both sets of friends (with their SO’s) took us to the gay scene. This is also the first time I had hung out with my HS friends with a girfriend. It didn’t make it weird though. I’m lucky to have friends that are very accepting despite the super religious environment we were raised in.

Apartment hunting with PhD has made me really think about my future with her. We talk about being together for the long run. Something I didn’t really do with my previous relationships. Not even my 4 and a half year one. We were just together. Our future together really was a bit bleak because gay marriage hadn’t been passed yet. And then my next two relationships… We all know of my issues there. So, PhD and I talked about getting a bigger apartment when I move to LA. I’m excited because the space that you get and the amenities are ridiculous compared to here in NYC. Rent is about the same though.

The women in LA and San Diego surprised me a little. And maybe it was just the type of parties we were at. And of course all of this is also based on just one night out in each city. But I was super surprised by all the butch lesbians out and about. For some reason I expected west coast lesbians to be a bit more feminine. We can thank The L Word for giving me that stereotype. The women in LA were BUTCHED out. Like hardcore thugged out. Bone straight 3 foot braids, slicked back hair, plaid shirts buttoned to the top. And these were the Asian ones!!!! I wish I had a picture, I know that right now I am spewing all sorts of sterotypes, but I was just a little bit shocked. The women in San Diego were ok. Nothing to write home about. PhD and I spent the night out in LA smacking the asses of go go dancers. Very classy. i’m looking forward to seeing more of LA’s gay scene.

We have a lot of fun together. It’s nice to have the whole package in one. I haven’t spoken to either LF nor BG for more than a week now. It takes a long time for me to learn some lessons I think. Other lessons I pick up super quick. I wish I would learn relationship lessons a bit faster. Or learn the lesson of how to keep an ex as a friend. Maybe that’s not a lesson that really needs to be learned. I feel like my relationship with PhD has improved since I stopped talking to both of them. Technically, since they both decided to stop talking to me. I would never tell them to stop talking to me. I wonder what that says about me. I don’t feel like I should have to tell them to stop talking to me. So, I think I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that they can’t have me in their lives. And I probably can’t have them in my life. I’m just too stubborn to admit that. Maybe in a year, I can reach out again.

I do feel like since I admitted to PhD that I was afraid of being honest and opening up to her because I was afraid that she was going to break up with me, I’ve felt a lot more secure about her and I. That’s something I’ve never openly said to anyone before even though it has always been a vulnerability of mine. She assured me that she wouldn’t break up with me, even though I know she could at any point or moment in time. I may be getting a little too excited for this move across the country. The true question is: will I move for myself if her and I don’t make it? I hate thinking that way, but a lot can change in a year.

It makes me wonder if I will ever get to say these words to anyone.

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