Sometimes I think PhD and I just don’t get it each other. And that scares me. I’ve been feeling more and more at odds with her lately. She doesn’t seem to appreciate the things I do. I feel like I go out of my way to accommodate her. She doesn’t seem to go out of her way to accommodate me. For example, one of my closest friends is having a baby shower this Saturday. PhD has been making comments about how she doesn’t really want to go. She feels weird because my best friend isn’t her friend. Blah, blah, blah. My issue is, if you’re with someone and that someone would like you to accompany her to a social event, shouldn’t you suck it up and go? Actually shouldn’t you want to spend time with your SO’s friends to get to know them? I’ve accompanied PhD to many of her friends’ gatherings. Not once did I say I didn’t want to go because they weren’t my friends. It’s this type of non-reciprocal behavior that fucking drives me crazy. I don’t understand her thought process. She doesn’t know my best friend because every time we’re supposed to hang out, she’s made an excuse not to. And she refuses to acknowledge that she has intentionally (or not-I don’t know) avoided hanging out with her.
PhD always thinks that I feel like I always have to be right. I never listen to her. But I don’t see that about myself. I don’t think any of my friends would say that about me either. She seems to have a very different view of me. And I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I don’t think it is. It means to me that she doesn’t know me very well. She has this skewed view of me, maybe because of her own hangups. Maybe she’s the one that always has to be right, and since I don’t “listen” to her, it means I always need to be right. I don’t know. I really don’t, but I do know that I don’t feel good about her and I right now. I don’t feel good about any of this. And I’m scared. I’m scared that maybe this isn’t a good decision. Maybe she and I aren’t meant to be together. I’m doing everything I can to help this woman move to LA. Am I doing all of this all for naught? Am I going to bend over the fuck backwards and land on my head? How do you know? How does anyone know?
PhD is really negative and pessimistic. And it’s something I never saw when she was in Indy and I was here. I never saw this negativity in her. But damn it’s rearing its ugly head here in NYC. And I don’t like that quality in anyone. I really don’t. I guess the real question is, is that one of my deal breakers?
This brings me to another article I read that hits close to home. Do I back out of relationships too early? Am I just waiting for the next best thing? Is that a good thing?