I don’t know what I’m feeling at the moment. Sometimes things with PhD feel good. Other times they don’t. Is this what a good relationship looks like? I keep reading articles about what good relationships look like. Or how to know when you’ve found “the one”. Or 10 signs that you’re in the right relationship. I don’t think that’s helping. Sometimes PhD makes me feel like she really doesn’t like who I am at the core. I waste too much food. I don’t exercise enough. I tell her to keep her bag closed too often (she’s always running around this city with her bags wide open). I want to go out to eat too much. My friends are too straight. Blah, blah, blah. All of these are turnoffs for her. So why the hell is she with me. She’s going on a cruise next week with her family. I can’t say that I’m not looking forward to the time alone.
It doesn’t help that BG has been on my mind more often these days. Last weekend PhD and I went to a bar/club that she and I often ended up at. That seemed to bring on an onslaught of memories of her. I dreamt about her that very night. Even though at that very bar was where I saw BG get very cozy with another woman, so it shouldn’t be a good memory for me. My brain is stupid. Or my heart is stupid. Or both. I wish I could cut out the part of the brain and heart that will not forget about her. I really wish I could. For both her and my sake. She clearly doesn’t want me in her life. Doesn’t want anything to do with me. Even as a friend. At least I’m smart enough to figure that out by now.
I think the time away from PhD will help settle my feelings. This summer definitely is not how I saw the summer panning out. I thought this summer was going to be all fun and games with her. I thought the cute, bubbly, excitable woman I was long distance dating was going to be living with me. I thought we were going to go out and do a bunch of fun stuff together. Have a lot of sex. Grow to enjoy each other that much more. Instead a negative, insecure, pessimistic, moody woman came to live with me. I feel like it’s pushed us apart in some ways. It’s made us see parts of each other that could be deal breakers. And that makes me sad. Really sad. It makes me feel like I’ll never find someone I can truly be myself with. It makes me feel like I will always be alone. It makes me feel like the unwanted orphan I’ve always been. I have only one person in the whole wide world that chose me. And that was my (adoptive) mom. And even she doesn’t accept who I truly am which is that she chose a daughter who loves women. A daughter who wants nothing more than to have a family and a life with another woman. A daughter who desperately wishes she could share her thoughts and desires with her mother without any judgement.
Wow. This is pretty sad post. I’m going to go try to have a better day now.