Apology Not Accepted

Well, yesterday ended up pretty badly. I guess it’s my fault that I didn’t tell PhD how I was feeling about everything until after the fact. I met her for lunch (as is my usual thing to do). She was (as usual) freaking out about her most recent “crisis” in her life. So lunch ended up with her on the phone while I stood around looking foolish. So that didn’t help things. Then when she came home, it was again crisis mode because of this passport issue she’s been having. So we had to run around getting stuff done for that. We finally stopped for a drink and something to eat at a neighborhood place. While we were waiting for our food, I casually mentioned that I was looking forward to seeing the new Mission Impossible movie after seeing a preview for it on the bar TV, and she responded with what I heard and perceived as a pretty bitchy ass question of “why do you like movies like that”? That’s when I kinda lost it. That was the final straw of her negativity and pessimism.

And as usual, I could not contain my tears. And because I didn’t want to make a scene at the bar, I just shut down. Completely and utterly shut down. I stopped talking to her. I stopped looking at her. It was like she just wasn’t there. I remember hearing her ask “How am I supposed to ask you questions? How can I have a conversation with you without you getting upset?” I didn’t answer her. That’s like asking someone after the fact, how can I hit you so that it doesn’t hurt? How the fuck are you supposed to answer that question? I don’t even know. It wasn’t even about the stupid movie conversation we were having. It was about her inability to acknowledge that we have differences but it doesn’t mean one is better than than the other.

Anyway, the rest of the dinner was spent in silence, and she ended up going home before me. I desperately wanted to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes at that point. If only to calm myself down. However, I’m going on over 3 months of non-smoking, and I really don’t want to break that chain. I did the next best thing, and found a vape place that let me just try a whole bunch of their flavors. That helped calm my emotions a little.

We both spent a couple hours apart without any communication, and when we finally talked about it later on in the night PhD thought I had over reacted, of course. She didn’t understand why a little question like that would upset me so much. She said she was “free-spirited” and didn’t ever want to filter questions and comments. I tried to help her understand that this wasn’t about the actual question or the conversation. We have had many questions and conversations back and forth between that I have not gotten upset about. It was about the way she flippantly cut me off and made it seem like I was stupid for liking movies like that. I think she still didn’t understand where I was coming from. That conversation led to this summer and what I talked about in my last post. I asked her if she thought it was a mistake to move to NYC and in with me for the summer. I asked her if she was happy. I asked her what I could do to make her stay more enjoyable. I told her that I wasn’t happy but I usually was. And it seemed as if she took it the wrong way. Like I used to be happy when she wasn’t living with me. And now I wasn’t happy. So it must be because of her. And that’s not what I was trying to say to her at all.

I really want it to work with this woman. I really really do. But like she said last night, we have communication issues. We seriously do. Do all couples have communication issues like this? Is this normal? I suppose with my first girlfriend we didn’t communicate much because of a language barrier. With BG, we had major communication issues. I have a whole book documenting the many communication issues we had. With LF, we didn’t talk too much about anything deep about our relationship or being together. We just were together. Naturally. Things were super easy with LF. Maybe too easy.

PhD makes comments like, maybe this is why all my partners cheat on me. And it’s a lot of ‘woe is me” with her. I guess I’m not the first partner to bring up the fact that she sometimes does things that hurt other people, but she has no idea what she did. I don’t understand that. She did apologize for what happened earlier. What kind of apology is it if the person doesn’t even understand what happened?

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