Despite our Differences…

PhD apologized again about the other night. This time with a super cute card. The way to my heart is handwritten notes or cards, and PhD has a really good card game. Throughout our time together she has done a laundry list of things that I fantasized a woman doing for me back when I was in the closet. I think this is why I’m so into her. She treats me the way I want to be treated as a girlfriend. So despite our differences and our miscommunications, I have to see this through. I have to see where this goes. Even if I end up being heartbroken at the end.

Today is her last day at her horrible job. I can already see and feel her mood lifting. That’s been a plus. I think her passport issue has been sorted out – $600+ later. I told her that she needs to write a complaint to the stupid Canadian passport bureau. The Canadian Passport Bureau is a fucking gangster ass thug of an organization that preys on people and sucks them of their money for no good fucking reason. They rape people in the ass financially just for the fun of it. Literally. Yea I said it. I don’t think she will send in a complaint though. I might write one for her, since I have a lot of time on my hands. I’m looking forward to our week together when she gets back from her cruise. This will be the first time both of us are not working at all this summer. Although maybe I shouldn’t look forward to it because everything I’ve looked forward to this past year has not gone at all according to plan. I guess I am looking forward to my week alone coming up. At least that I can look forward to since it’s just me, myself, and I.

BG texted me yesterday. Out of the blue. After she cut me off for the millionth time. After blocking me on everything she could block me on. After telling me that she thought I was a shit human being unable to love or be loved under any capacity. After telling me it was over. We both needed to move on. She didn’t want me in her life ever and forever. It took me by surprise since I thought for sure after this round of blocking and demeaning comments directed towards me, she was for real about me not coming back into her life. She seems to always think that she can unleash whatever she wants on me, and I should just take it. I didn’t even know what to say to her. I didn’t know why she was contacting me. The last time she was in communication with me, she clearly did not think highly of me. In her words she said she didn’t want anything to do with me. But then she pops back up with a “how are you” text. What’s that all about? I told her I was tired of her jerking me around. She doesn’t see her actions as jerking me around. But if an outsider were to look at our text history, I think they would agree with me. One day she was fine with being friends, the next day she’s not. Then the next week, she’s changed her mind about being friends, and then the next day she’s ok. One day she’s blocking me on Facebook, the next day she adds me back. I don’t get it. I’ve never claimed to be perfect. I’ve never claimed to be better than anyone else. But I do claim to be kind and do whatever I can to help people I care about. That’s all I’ve ever claimed to try to do. She doesn’t see me that way. And I don’t think she ever will. Even in this most recent text exchange, she brought up again how I failed at my promises and fucked her over. I told her it confused me. Her reaching out. Of course it confuses me. It makes me think that she wants to be friendly. Why ask how someone (who you think is a shit human being) is doing if you don’t care what happens to them in this life or next? It’s confusing. And when I asked how she was doing, her reply was that she got rid of “bothersome things and people”, so her life was better. Why is she contacting me then? I can only assume that I fall into her “bothersome people” category. Confusion abounds. If you want to be my friend, be my friend. If not, then I don’t know what else to do or help you with. But I am not going to play this game of one day we’re friends, the next day we’re not. I am too old for that shit. Yes, BG and I have our differences. Major ones. And if we can’t get over them in a mature way, then maybe it’s the Universe telling us we shouldn’t be friends.

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