Too much to expect…

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I can’t help but think that if I had ended things with BG amicably, we could actually be friends. Her reaching out a couple days ago has really made me want to reach out to her again. I just don’t think it’s a good idea though. I really don’t. She said some really mean and brutal things to me last time.

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For her and my sake, we need to give each other more time to move on. I don’t think I let her do that. And I’m sorry I was impatient because I made things worse for us. And frankly, I need more time to get over my feelings for her too. As pathetic as it sounds, a year+ later, I do still have feelings for her. I don’t even know why. I know I have feelings for her still because of the way I felt when she texted me the other day. And at this point, I really need them to go away.

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With PhD gone on her cruise for a week, there’s a huge temptation for me to reach out to BG. To want to see her. To try again to be friends. But, that would be reckless of me. And futile because even though BG texted, it wasn’t that she really wanted to be friendly again. I don’t know why she reached out. Maybe she had a moment of weakness and wanted to text me. I’m sure she’s hating herself for it. She never wanted me to see her actually care about anything regarding me.

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We need time. And space. I don’t know how or why BG got under my skin so deep. But it’s been pretty tough getting her out from under it. Things with PhD have been much more stable since I stopped trying to be a part of BG’s life or rather since BG shut that down. I don’t even know what I thought would happen. There were moments between BG and I when I thought everything was going well. That’s what I wanted. I wanted a fun, worry-free friendship with her. No pressure. No strings. I guess that was too much to expect. I think PhD and I had another mini breakthrough this week. The recent argument we had helped us really see what each of us needed in terms of “cooling off”. We had a really fun weekend together, partially because she was in a much better mood. I did tell her that BG recently reached out. If she felt any sort of way about it, she didn’t let it show. PhD has also stopped talking about her ex as much. Which is kind of a relief. I was starting to hate her ex’s name. And I was starting to cringe and feel some sort of way when she talked about her. I don’t want to feel that way. I’m not opposed to her talking about her ex, but daily mentionings of her ex I thought were a bit excessive. Thank god she stopped.

I’ll be taking a month long vacation in August. Splitting my time between LA and Indy helping PhD get settled in her new life and spending time with family. I got someone to stay in my extra room in my apartment for a month. I’m relieved that I don’t have to pay a full month’s rent for an empty apartment. I guess that’s one of the perks of living in a famous city. Easy to find people that need a place to stay. However, I am worried about my stuff. But, the girl that wants to live here has a sugar daddy who came by last night and paid  one month rent + one month deposit. CASH. I think they’re serious about it. I just hope they don’t have sex all over my couch. Maybe that’s also too much to expect…

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