Questions, but no answers

Feeling anxious about things. Especially things with PhD. I suppose we’ve really only been together (officially) for almost 6 months. Is it the 6 months jitters? Is it the fact that I have to invest so much into this relationship if I want to see it through? Is it because PhD and I seem to have communication problems? Just the other night, we had another little issue. It wasn’t really a fight, but she did the whole “please don’t get mad” thing AGAIN. I need to tell her to stop doing that because it just makes me even more mad. I was looking forward to this coming week with her because she won’t have a job. I was looking forward to the time together alone since it will be our last week here in NYC. She then springs on me that she has friends and family that are coming to visit the whole fucking week. Of course staying with us. Of course I’m going to be mad. She knew it, hence why she said please don’t get mad. Don’t I have the right to be a little irritated? This wasn’t a discussion. She didn’t tell me about this beforehand. It was more of a this is happening. I hope you don’t get mad. Sigh. Then she was irritated because I was mad. She then backpedaled and said that she didn’t want those friends to visit anymore, and that she would put her cousins in a hotel. Fuck. Sometimes I think she just doesn’t understand where I’m coming from.

And then there are the times where I can feel that she does really like me. Probably more than anyone has. Except maybe my first girlfriend. She makes me feel attractive. And wanted. And sexy. That’s hard to find. It’s hard to find someone who is just as into you as you are her. That’s what keeps me hooked. She is still pretty insecure about BG. Even though I haven’t spoken to BG in over a month now. (That one time a couple weeks ago doesn’t count.) Even though I told her I wasn’t going to be trying to be in either BG or LF’s lives anymore. And I’ve stood by my commitment of that. PhD was absolutely convinced that I would try to contact BG while she was away. I’m very serious about not contacting BG for a very long while. As much as I care about that woman and want to be in her life, even after all the shit she said to me, I need to step back. I don’t know what else I can do to help PhD feel more secure. I suppose that’s what it will boil down to. If she can overcome her insecurity or not. Her last two exes really fucked her up. Royally. Her male ex of 7 years secretly taped the two of them having sex multiple times throughout their time together. She found her female ex with another woman in bed. I wonder if she’ll ever recover from that. Sometimes it seems like she won’t.

I’m anxious about our road trip across the country. Normally I love road trips. However, PhD does not like them. And by now, I know that if PhD is not happy, no one is. We’re only doing this road trip to save money in her mind. I just hope she’s not going to be negative and pessimistic the whole time. I should have a plan for if she does become negative. I was talking to my long time ex about how negative PhD was. She said that I was one of the rare people who was super positive about everything. That got me thinking, am I abnormally positive? That’s annoying also. No one’s ever told me that I am too positive.

I don’t like being anxious. I guess I really have to ask myself if this is truly the relationship for me. Because so far, I’ve been anxious and sad and misunderstood. Yes, there have been good things about being with PhD. But, shit. I thought it was going to be easier than this. How much is too much conflict in a relationship? I keep reading articles about how it’s important to know how to argue with your SO. It’s important that you don’t always agree. Maybe we have a normal amount of conflict, and I’m just the one that needs to work on being able to handle conflict. I don’t even know. I have no answers. And so many questions.


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