This week has gone by quite fast without PhD here. Mostly because I’ve been keeping myself busy I think. I did a lot of work in the apartment in preparation for my August sublet. I also have a delivery gig that I just started last week. I don’t especially do it for the money, although the extra cash is nice. I think I made close to $500 this week being out every night delivering. It is a rough job, especially if you don’t have a car. However, what I like most about it is getting a glimpse into random strangers’ lives. I delivered Shake Shack to this multi-million dollar apartment in the West Village the other night. For the most part because this is premium service I usually deliver to pretty nice apartments/houses. There’s also a sense of anticipation when a job comes through that I like because I never know where I’m going to go/how big the order is going to be/etc. I know some people think I’m crazy to enjoy a job like this. Especially when I don’t need to be working. But I like making money. I’ll most likely continue this gig when I have a couple hours here and there to spare. It’s pretty easy money. And very flexible.
PhD is back tonight. I’m looking forward to seeing her again. She mentioned last night (while tipsy I think) that she felt like she’s been a bitch this whole summer, and that she didn’t think she appreciated me very much. In my mind, I felt a sense of satisfaction that it hasn’t been all in my head, but I didn’t say anything in regards to agreeing or disagreeing with her statement. I just let it hang. I wonder if I should have agreed? Should I have let her know then that she has been a bitch and that it’s been a rough summer with her? I feel like there’s a level of maturity involved here. If someone comes to their own self-realization of their wrong actions, there’s no need for me to rub it in. BG doesn’t seem to understand that. Or hold that to her standard. I realized a thousand times over what I did to her was wrong. I told her so. I apologized countless times and attempted to make up for my wrong actions. She continued to want to bring it up and throw it in my face. Whether as a joke or not, it wasn’t helping us move forward. And so in the end, we couldn’t move forward.
I ran into BG last night. I needed a drink after last nights’ bout of deliveries. Especially after having to deliver McDonald’s and Crif Dogs as the last deliveries of the night. The McDonald’s on Delancey could be one of the worst McDonald’s in the country. Those of you who live in NYC, you know what I’m talking about. Having to work around people who are drunk is not fun. Not fun at all. I feel bad for all the service people who work on Friday and Saturday nights. I could have gone to any bar. But I purposely went to the bar that I knew she might be at. Just to see if I would run into her. I actually thought the chances were low because I got there pretty late. However, after I got my drink and walked around the dance floor, I did run into her. She was with someone. I didn’t get a good look at her date. I wish I had. When I saw her, I didn’t really know what to say to her. Her reception of me was pretty cold. She asked me what I was doing there. If I was alone. I don’t think I answered her questions. She said something about how she needed to stay away from me. Come to think of it. I don’t even remember what I said to her. I was a bit taken aback that she was there. Even though I went there to run into her. I confuse myself. I guess it may have been different if she had been alone. Maybe? Probably not. I would have been my usual awkward self around her. Is it because I’m attracted to her/still have feelings for her that makes me this way? I’m extremely attracted to PhD, and she doesn’t make me feel the way I feel around BG. And it’s that exact feeling that I think makes me unable to forget about BG and sad that we can’t be friends. It’s not a bad feeling at all. I don’t even know how to describe it.
I didn’t stay at the bar long. I guess I just wanted to say hi if she was there, and I did. I accomplished what I wanted to. I suppose in some way PhD was right. I did want to contact BG in someway, somehow while she was gone. The question is, why did I feel the need to do that? I have one more week here in the city, and then I’m gone for a month. Hopefully PhD and I will have an enjoyable time together before I come back, and we begin our LDR again. I really don’t know if we’re going to make it. She said something about it last night. She said that the distance was going to be super hard for her. I asked her if it was going to be too hard. She said no. I want for us to make it. She wants for us to make it. But, life sometimes has other plans.