The end of the summer with PhD has finally come. The long dreaded day that I was not looking forward to. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be though. I think it helps that I know I’m going to see her in two weeks during my long weekend in September. I’m looking forward to this year of long distance and love. I always gauge my years by my school year. The year basically starts in September and ends in June for me. We are officially “in love” mutually. I’m scared to death of course. I could get hurt. I could hurt her. All of this could be for naught. She could meet someone tomorrow who blows her away and actually lives in her same city. I came across an article that succinctly explains what I’m feeling now. I’m terrified of commitment, but I’m in a relationship anyway. That’s the title of the article, and exactly what I’m feeling. Sometimes I think, what the hell am I doing in a relationship right now. Other times, I’m really happy that I found another awesome woman to share my life with. I’ve been very lucky in the fact that I have not been lacking in awesome women to date.
September is a big month for me. Not only do I start teaching again, but all my exes AND current girlfriend have birthdays in that month. Don’t ask me how that happened. I do plan on reaching out to LF and wishing her a happy birthday. I hope I’m still talking to BG of course. My relationship with my first ex is good. She’s living in Japan now, so we text every week or so. And of course I will be back in LA at the end of September celebrating PhD’s with her. I’ve been texting a little more with BG these days. I suppose baby steps are important for us. Maybe that’s what was wrong with our previous attempts to re connect. Everything was too fast, too soon. I’m in Indy for another week before I head back to NYC. Part of me wishes I were already in NYC so I can wind down my summer there. However, I do have a mother that is very happy for me to be here. I feel like I”m in limbo though. Everything has been put on hold while I wait in the purgatory that is Indiana. Ugh. I wish I had friends here. Oh well, the last time I went out looking for a friend here, I ended up with a girlfriend.
It’s been a busy August so far. PhD has finally settled into her new life in LA. This is our last week together before I fly back to Indy to spend some time with my family. I can’t believe the summer is almost over. PhD and I have had some up and downs this summer, but this has made both of us realize that we can make it. We both like/love each other enough to work on our shit to keep it together. I am feeling a little anxiety about leaving her. I’m trying not to dwell on it too long. I know once school starts, I’ll be busy once again. She continues to bring up her male and female ex. Even tonight she went into a long speech about her feelings of them. I wonder when the day will come when they won’t have a hold on her.
BG recently reached out again. She actually said that she missed me and wanted to meet up. I was extremely surprised by her admission. We’ve been in contact since then. I really do hope she’s ready to be friends this time. But I guess I won’t be surprised if she changes her mind again. I enjoy knowing that I can talk to her again. Although we’ve had so many false starts that I’m afraid to get my hopes up at this point. I guess I won’t know what’s happening between us until I get back to the city. I wonder what made her change her mind. Her last words to me still resonate in my head. The whole diatribe that I was a shit human being. PhD and I were doomed. I didn’t know how to love and/or receive love. Those are some intense things to say to someone. I can’t just forget about them. I wonder how one can say things like that to someone, and then still want to have anything to do with the person. I mean BG was ready to not ever talk to me again a couple months ago. I can’t remember specifics of her messages anymore but I feel like if I had died that next day, she would have been ok with it. Maybe I’m being dramatic, but that’s what it felt like. So far we’re keeping communication light and surface level. It’ll be interesting to hang out again. Whenever we hung out before think we both felt the sexual tension in the air. I wonder if that will still be there.
So, just finished a cross country roadtrip with PhD. Amazingly, we did not get into any fights or disagreements. Today we’re moving her into her apartment. I’m so happy it’s finally happening. I feel like we’ve been talking about this forever. More later…
Came across this song. Three guesses as to who I would drunk text.
Phase 1 and 2 of the move out west are over. “The move” being moving PhD out west of course. The move out of the city was pretty seamless. It was sad to see her moving her stuff out of my place. Really solidified that she was leaving for good. The drive to Indy was uneventful, and then we had a day to relax and do some last minute things before Phase 2, which was moving her out of her apartment. Surprisingly Phase 2 was very seamless also given the fact that we hired random movers off Craiglist. Phase 3 is going to happen on Saturday which is driving the uHaul and her car out to LA from Indy. I’m excited about the road trip. She’s not so much, but I think she’s decided that it has to happen, so she shouldn’t be negative and pessimistic about it.
A big development happened last Friday. PhD admitted that she was in love with me, and that she loved me. She told me that she loved me while we were out. I was surprised given the fact that we had just had an up and down summer. She’s only the second woman to ever tell me she loved me. I didn’t reciprocate. Not because I don’t have those feelings for her. I do. We’ve known each other for over seven months now. I am completely falling for her. I just didn’t want to be that person who immediately says it after someone else does. I want to tell her in my own way. I want it to be special. I haven’t told another woman that I loved her in a long time. I know I alluded to it with BG, but I never directly told her. I was so scared with her. I thought for sure it wouldn’t be reciprocated with her. It wasn’t until after the fact that I found out that maybe she did have the same feelings for me. But at that point it was too late. That’s not going to happen with PhD. I’m going to find a special and cute way to tell her. Before I leave her in LA for the school year in NYC.
I’m in Indy now with my mom. Hanging out with my three nieces and lil sis for the next few days. The last time I was here, I was just getting to know PhD. Can’t believe where the last seven months have taken both of us. I can’t wait for PhD to get out of Btown. Get away from her memories of her exes. Her female ex continues to try to get with her. I really don’t appreciate that. I suppose PhD can’t wait for me to get away from NYC and my exes. She’s been encouraging me to sign up for a Master’s program to start online this coming year, so that I can keep myself occupied. She has a theory that whenever I get bored, I get in trouble. I can’t completely disprove her theory.
All of this transition has helped me stay away from my exes. But I still wonder about them. Care about how they’re doing. LF hasn’t gotten back in contact. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to wait for her to contact me, or whether I can reach out and see how she’s doing. I haven’t heard from BG since the last little text exchange we had. That exchange was so unfulfilling. I don’t understand what it was about. But I know PhD has been much more secure about where we are since I’ve stopped trying to be in contact with my exes, so that may be where things have to be for now. Especially if I want things to continue going well with PhD.