It’s week 4 of school now. It still feels like a new school year. We’ve had so many stops and starts. This will actually finally be our first full week (5 days of classes). It’s going to be brutal because we have Open School Night on Thursday. I keep thinking to myself, this most likely will be the last time I have to do this and that at my current school. I’m looking forward to starting a new path of my life in an established school. I started at my current school at its infancy, and there have been so many growing pains as a school. It will be nice to be in a school that has its identity and routine set in place.
I’ve just spent yet another weekend on the west coast with PhD. This one was a big one since it was her birthday weekend. We continue to get closer and continue to be more vulnerable with one another. She admitted this weekend that she originally had sent the “will you be my girlfriend card” for all the wrong reasons. She wanted to “take me off the market” so to speak. In hindsight, it was probably a good move on her part because the longer we went without being clear about what we were doing, the more likely it was for me to do my own thing here. Especially since we were long distance from the beginning. We haven’t had any more arguments or disagreements. Almost every single one we’ve had was over BG. There was one about physical affection, but that may have been me being in a bad mood.
LF and I are back talking again. I wished her happy birthday at the beginning of the month, and she didn’t seem to be receptive to talking again. However, just a couple weeks later she started talking to me, so I’m going with it. I’ve managed to not talk to BG this whole time. I still don’t like it. I still want to talk to her. But I can’t talk to her if the reason continues to be that I like(d) talking to her. I like(d) her in my life. I want to reach out to her. And it is that exact reason why I can’t be friends with her yet. This article about being friends with exes is very well-written. And I need to continue being honest with myself about my true intentions and thoughts about BG. As much as I hate it.
I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. I’ve been going to the gym A LOT. A lot for me is every day since I signed up. I’m forcing myself to go, even when I don’t want to. I haven’t seen very much progress at all, but I’m going to keep on doing it. The gym culture is a whole different world I’ve never been a part of until now. I’ve decided that one of the best places to people watch is the gym. And it doesn’t hurt that most of the women at the gym have incredible bodies.
I realized this weekend that this is the first weekend I’ve spent in the city for a long time. And I didn’t do much with it. Well, I take that back. I didn’t do anything fun with it. I finally joined gym last weekend. I’ve put on a lot of weight since I stopped smoking. I can’t really pinpoint exactly what it is that has caused the excessive weight gain, but I’ve come to a point where I need to slim down again. I don’t like not fitting into any of my pants. I don’t like having to buy all new pants. I liked the weight I was before. I’m going to try my damnedest to lose the weight I gained to fit into my pants again. That’s the goal. After that, then I don’t know. But at least for now, the goal of going to the gym is to fit into all my skinny pants again.
I had the worst wipeout I’ve had since I was probably ten years old. I was hustling on my delivery job this weekend and completely wiped out on the sidewalk in front of a lot of people. If I hadn’t been going so fast, I probably could have caught myself. However, I was full speed ahead and almost smashed into the glass part of the bus stop. I’m sure it looked really funny even though it hurt like hell. And the worst part about all of this is that I completely obliterated the screen of my phone.
So on top of being sore from the gym, and then having two really scraped up knees, one scraped up shoulder and one shattered Iphone, I had a rather slow weekend.
I’m headed back to LA this weekend because it’s PhD’s birthday. The whole every other weekend seeing her seems doable, although it is just starting out. We are in conversation throughout the day also. We probably talk to each other more long distance than if we were to live in the same city. Sometimes it seems a bit much. Like I can’t just chill at home without her wanting to call me or talk to me. But I guess that’s on me to just tell her that I need some time by myself. I spoke with LF briefly at the beginning of the week. She said that she still wasn’t quite ready to talk to me. The funny thing is that PhD is not threatened by LF. I could be friends and hang out with LF and PhD would be perfectly fine with that. And actually I can truly say that I am completely over LF. I truly am. I can hang out with her without thinking about what it would be like to be together again. When I talked with her briefly, it was a very different feeling than the feeling I got with talking to BG. Things with PhD have evened out. She has finally stopped talking about her ex (probably because I brought it up). Me not talking to BG seems to make her more secure about our relationship. Which I’m happy for. I’m slowly accepting the fact that I can’t have BG in my life at the moment. I’m not especially happy about it, but I understand why it needs to be this way.
Soon I will be living alone again. October 1st is the day!!! 10 more days. I’m definitely counting down the days. I don’t know why I thought I would be ok with living with a roommate again. Although this year, I’m going to be so busy working my ass off to afford living alone, I may not even get to enjoy living alone again. Oh, the irony.
Well, I’m currently writing this post on a red eye back to NYC. This is going to be my life this year. Working and living on the east coast while my heart and mind is on the west coast. This year is going to be hard – financially, emotionally, and physically. I already have some ways to combat these difficulties. My time with PhD this weekend was great. Even after our big fight last week before I went, our time together was rather perfect. However, coming to work directly from getting off a red-eye at JFK is a bit daunting. I wonder how I’m going to feel at the end of the day…
Do I think about BG? Yes. Do I still wish I could talk to BG? Yes. But maybe that’s not a good thing for me. Or BG. Or PhD. And it took PhD basically forcing me to choose between her or BG for me to finally let BG go. I haven’t let myself get over BG in the last year+. And honestly, every time I did hang out with BG I would think about why we couldn’t be together. And want to be with her. Because I am attracted to her. Even after everything. Therefore, I wasn’t over her. I never wanted to admit it to anyone. Not even myself. Because I felt stupid for feeling this way. Stupid because I could have had all of that with BG. So, yes it’s a good thing I’m not in contact with her anymore.
Two of the 6 steps on how to get over an ex are “no contact” and “no friending”. I thought I could be the exception to these unspoken rules. I really thought I could. But now I realize, it’s imperative for me to have no contact and not be friends. At least for a good long while. For PhD and me. I hate to think that I will never speak to BG again. I hate to think that she probably thinks I don’t want to be in her life, and that I don’t want to talk to her. But I had to make my choice. I hope one day we can truly be friends again.
I’ve been really enjoying the whole getting to know the West and East Coast cultures of the US. You can really feel the difference in the air and the way people carry themselves. I worked on my resume this past weekend. I hope that I can get a comparable private school job on the West Coast next year. Time will tell…
I’m feeling sad and disappointed today. Sad because I finally had the balls to tell BG that I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to be friends because of my relationship with PhD. Disappointed because I really wanted to be friends with her and be a part of her life. I finally realized that if I have to be dishonest with PhD about BG, it’s not worth it. The only way I could have remained friends with BG is if I kept it a secret. It’s laughable really. BG and I were truly platonic friends. We could have been bros. Sure, there was sexual tension between us because in my heart of hearts I believe BG is attracted to me as I am her. However, she knew I was in a relationship. I knew I was in one, so we never broke the physical barrier. Unfortunately, even a platonic friendship is too much at the moment for mine and PhD’s relationship. I will always think of BG and always wonder what she’s up to or how I can annoy her with my stupid questions. But I have to give it a rest right now.
And maybe it’s a good thing for me also. I admitted to BG that I was a little too happy when I hung out with her or whenever I heard from her. Is that a sign that I’m not over her? Who knows? But we did have a good hangout session before I called her last night to tell her I needed to step back. My fear was that she would say then that she never wanted to hear from me again. I hate having the door completely shut in my face. I really don’t like that feeling. I like having the door cracked a little. It’s not like we have problems currently. It’s just that I realized that I couldn’t have my cake and eat it too in this case. I realized that this is exactly what I tried to do between BG and LF. I knew BG was uncomfortable with the way I was handling the two relationships, and yet I continued to do exactly as I wanted with no consideration for her feelings. I have to learn from my mistakes, and this is me learning from my mistakes. I know that PhD is VERY uncomfortable with my attempted friendship with BG, and up until last night, I have continued to do exactly as I have wanted.
Who knows, maybe this isn’t going to fix anything between PhD and I. Maybe she will continue to not trust me and think that she’s my second choice (BG being my first…). But at least I can say that I did what I needed to try to make the relationship work. I sacrificed someone I really wanted in my life for the sake of our relationship. Something I did not do in my previous relationships.
I’m headed to LA tomorrow night for a 4 day weekend. I’m looking forward to seeing PhD. One thing for certain is that I’m glad we can talk things through and not be mad at each other for very long. I’d hate to arrive in LA and have her already be mad at me…
Day 1 into an official East Coast-West Coast romance. I made the long drive back to NYC from Indy by myself. PhD and I are pretty much as far as we can get from each other. We had a big “fight” a couple nights ago while I was in Indy over Skype. Oh the joys of long-distant dating. I feel like she misunderstands my words and actions a lot. Especially concerning BG. I made a comment about how the one time when she found out that I had been texting BG all day (by going into my phone and reading my texts) was not a big deal, and she took that and flipped out about it. She told me that I couldn’t tell her I love her again until I was completely over BG. I was really hurt by that comment because it takes a lot for me to tell someone I love them. And to be told that I can’t tell her I love her until I’m over someone is ridiculous. I felt like I had taken my time in telling her I love her. She was the one that said it first. I didn’t say it back until a good two weeks after she said it. Because I am over BG. Just because I still want to talk to BG and be her friend does not mean I want to spend my life romantically with her. And she doesn’t seem to understand that. I found an article that highlights exactly what we’re going through. I do constantly feel like I have to prove myself to her. I feel like she’s punishing me for the trust that her exes broke. PhD MUST leave her baggage at the door in order for our relationship be successful. We cannot conduct this relationship in a successful manner if she doesn’t/can’t trust me. And that’s exactly what I said to her. We’re ok right now. But I wonder when the next time she’s going to have an issue about it again.
Surprisingly, BG was the one who kind of talked me through the day that I was super down about it all. We’ve been talking a lot more than usual. It’s been nice. She hasn’t been as closed off and guarded about opening up to me. I’m taking her out for her birthday (on her birthday), which I was actually very surprised about. I thought there would for sure be someone else that would want to take her out on her birthday. I want to do something special for her, but then I realized is it my place to be doing something special for her? Even tonight I thought about taking her a cupcake with a candle to celebrate early, but then decided against it because that seemed to cross the line. I guess I feel like since I missed her last birthday, I need to make it up. But what exactly do I need to make up? Everything’s been done and talked about to the point of delirium. This is our fresh start at trying to be in each others’ lives I feel like. She’s entering her 30s. This could be my last year in NYC depending on what happens with PhD I suppose. I’m hopeful that we can remain in each others’ lives because in some ways we do go well together as much as she may deny it.
School’s starting this week. It’s hard to believe that I begin my 9th year teaching at the same school. I never thought I’d be here this long. This may be my last one also, so I want to make sure it’s a good one. Every year has been an interesting one, so I’m sure this year will be no different.
It just hit me the other day that it’s been almost 3 years now since my big break up with my first ex. And now it’s been a year since the breakups of my previous 2 exes last summer. Time just moves along at lightning speed sometimes. Usually when you don’t want it to. And currently, I am in another rather serious relationship that looks like it has potential. Until I fuck it up. Or something else fucks it up. Maybe next year at this time, I’ll be blogging about yet another break up. Who knows. I’ve given up trying to anticipate and plan life, especially romantically.
Communication with PhD has been a bit weird. She’s been very busy with her two new jobs, so maybe that’s the reason. I just have felt that it’s been a bit off lately. I wonder if it’s because after spending the whole summer together, it’s hard to go backwards and adjust to being long distance again. I hate it. She hates it. It could also be that insecurities about BG are flaring up again because PhD knows I’m talking to her again. Today, she brought up her thoughts that if we were ever to break up it would be because of BG. I don’t even understand why she’s entertaining these thoughts. I feel like I have done more than enough this summer to show her that I am dedicated to her and our relationship. I don’t know what else I can do to make her feel secure. Frankly, I’m getting a little tired of having to prove my dedication to this relationship. She constantly talks about her ex. I’ve come to really hate hearing about her ex. I’m almost at the point of telling her to stop talking about her ex, but then she’ll take it personally. I tried subtly saying something the other day, and she turned it around by saying that she thought she was sharing an “interesting story”… Even though it was a story about her ex that I’ve heard already. I want this relationship to work. I am dedicated to making this work. I am even willing to sacrifice my NYC life to make it work. I just don’t see many sacrifices coming from her end. Which brings the question: is all of this worth it?
Conversation with BG got intense and deep today. Maybe I was just having a bad communication day today. I mean the thing about BG and I is that we can have intense conversations and still end on a good note. We’ve had many an intense convo. She made the point today that I just need to stop being nice and say what I feel at the moment. That’s hard for me to do. First, because I hate confrontation. Second, because I don’t want to hurt anyone. Third, because I don’t especially think well on my feet. She asked me why I was talking to her again. What I really wanted to know was why is she talking to me?? She said it was a gut feeling that made her reach out. But what does that mean? She said she has no expectation for us. What does that mean? I know what I want with her. It’s what I’ve always wanted with her. For the past year or so. Just a friendship. A simple friendship. Where we can be pals. And not bring up past stuff. Yes, it’s our history, but I thought we had closure that one night last year. It doesn’t appear to be so. Or maybe she needs to be able to bring it up. I don’t know. Is all of this worth it?