It just hit me the other day that it’s been almost 3 years now since my big break up with my first ex. And now it’s been a year since the breakups of my previous 2 exes last summer. Time just moves along at lightning speed sometimes. Usually when you don’t want it to. And currently, I am in another rather serious relationship that looks like it has potential. Until I fuck it up. Or something else fucks it up. Maybe next year at this time, I’ll be blogging about yet another break up. Who knows. I’ve given up trying to anticipate and plan life, especially romantically.
Communication with PhD has been a bit weird. She’s been very busy with her two new jobs, so maybe that’s the reason. I just have felt that it’s been a bit off lately. I wonder if it’s because after spending the whole summer together, it’s hard to go backwards and adjust to being long distance again. I hate it. She hates it. It could also be that insecurities about BG are flaring up again because PhD knows I’m talking to her again. Today, she brought up her thoughts that if we were ever to break up it would be because of BG. I don’t even understand why she’s entertaining these thoughts. I feel like I have done more than enough this summer to show her that I am dedicated to her and our relationship. I don’t know what else I can do to make her feel secure. Frankly, I’m getting a little tired of having to prove my dedication to this relationship. She constantly talks about her ex. I’ve come to really hate hearing about her ex. I’m almost at the point of telling her to stop talking about her ex, but then she’ll take it personally. I tried subtly saying something the other day, and she turned it around by saying that she thought she was sharing an “interesting story”… Even though it was a story about her ex that I’ve heard already. I want this relationship to work. I am dedicated to making this work. I am even willing to sacrifice my NYC life to make it work. I just don’t see many sacrifices coming from her end. Which brings the question: is all of this worth it?
Conversation with BG got intense and deep today. Maybe I was just having a bad communication day today. I mean the thing about BG and I is that we can have intense conversations and still end on a good note. We’ve had many an intense convo. She made the point today that I just need to stop being nice and say what I feel at the moment. That’s hard for me to do. First, because I hate confrontation. Second, because I don’t want to hurt anyone. Third, because I don’t especially think well on my feet. She asked me why I was talking to her again. What I really wanted to know was why is she talking to me?? She said it was a gut feeling that made her reach out. But what does that mean? She said she has no expectation for us. What does that mean? I know what I want with her. It’s what I’ve always wanted with her. For the past year or so. Just a friendship. A simple friendship. Where we can be pals. And not bring up past stuff. Yes, it’s our history, but I thought we had closure that one night last year. It doesn’t appear to be so. Or maybe she needs to be able to bring it up. I don’t know. Is all of this worth it?