Day 1 into an official East Coast-West Coast romance. I made the long drive back to NYC from Indy by myself. PhD and I are pretty much as far as we can get from each other. We had a big “fight” a couple nights ago while I was in Indy over Skype. Oh the joys of long-distant dating. I feel like she misunderstands my words and actions a lot. Especially concerning BG. I made a comment about how the one time when she found out that I had been texting BG all day (by going into my phone and reading my texts) was not a big deal, and she took that and flipped out about it. She told me that I couldn’t tell her I love her again until I was completely over BG. I was really hurt by that comment because it takes a lot for me to tell someone I love them. And to be told that I can’t tell her I love her until I’m over someone is ridiculous. I felt like I had taken my time in telling her I love her. She was the one that said it first. I didn’t say it back until a good two weeks after she said it. Because I am over BG. Just because I still want to talk to BG and be her friend does not mean I want to spend my life romantically with her. And she doesn’t seem to understand that. I found an article that highlights exactly what we’re going through. I do constantly feel like I have to prove myself to her. I feel like she’s punishing me for the trust that her exes broke. PhD MUST leave her baggage at the door in order for our relationship be successful. We cannot conduct this relationship in a successful manner if she doesn’t/can’t trust me. And that’s exactly what I said to her. We’re ok right now. But I wonder when the next time she’s going to have an issue about it again.
Surprisingly, BG was the one who kind of talked me through the day that I was super down about it all. We’ve been talking a lot more than usual. It’s been nice. She hasn’t been as closed off and guarded about opening up to me. I’m taking her out for her birthday (on her birthday), which I was actually very surprised about. I thought there would for sure be someone else that would want to take her out on her birthday. I want to do something special for her, but then I realized is it my place to be doing something special for her? Even tonight I thought about taking her a cupcake with a candle to celebrate early, but then decided against it because that seemed to cross the line. I guess I feel like since I missed her last birthday, I need to make it up. But what exactly do I need to make up? Everything’s been done and talked about to the point of delirium. This is our fresh start at trying to be in each others’ lives I feel like. She’s entering her 30s. This could be my last year in NYC depending on what happens with PhD I suppose. I’m hopeful that we can remain in each others’ lives because in some ways we do go well together as much as she may deny it.
School’s starting this week. It’s hard to believe that I begin my 9th year teaching at the same school. I never thought I’d be here this long. This may be my last one also, so I want to make sure it’s a good one. Every year has been an interesting one, so I’m sure this year will be no different.