I’m feeling sad and disappointed today. Sad because I finally had the balls to tell BG that I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to be friends because of my relationship with PhD. Disappointed because I really wanted to be friends with her and be a part of her life. I finally realized that if I have to be dishonest with PhD about BG, it’s not worth it. The only way I could have remained friends with BG is if I kept it a secret. It’s laughable really. BG and I were truly platonic friends. We could have been bros. Sure, there was sexual tension between us because in my heart of hearts I believe BG is attracted to me as I am her. However, she knew I was in a relationship. I knew I was in one, so we never broke the physical barrier. Unfortunately, even a platonic friendship is too much at the moment for mine and PhD’s relationship. I will always think of BG and always wonder what she’s up to or how I can annoy her with my stupid questions. But I have to give it a rest right now.
And maybe it’s a good thing for me also. I admitted to BG that I was a little too happy when I hung out with her or whenever I heard from her. Is that a sign that I’m not over her? Who knows? But we did have a good hangout session before I called her last night to tell her I needed to step back. My fear was that she would say then that she never wanted to hear from me again. I hate having the door completely shut in my face. I really don’t like that feeling. I like having the door cracked a little. It’s not like we have problems currently. It’s just that I realized that I couldn’t have my cake and eat it too in this case. I realized that this is exactly what I tried to do between BG and LF. I knew BG was uncomfortable with the way I was handling the two relationships, and yet I continued to do exactly as I wanted with no consideration for her feelings. I have to learn from my mistakes, and this is me learning from my mistakes. I know that PhD is VERY uncomfortable with my attempted friendship with BG, and up until last night, I have continued to do exactly as I have wanted.
Who knows, maybe this isn’t going to fix anything between PhD and I. Maybe she will continue to not trust me and think that she’s my second choice (BG being my first…). But at least I can say that I did what I needed to try to make the relationship work. I sacrificed someone I really wanted in my life for the sake of our relationship. Something I did not do in my previous relationships.
I’m headed to LA tomorrow night for a 4 day weekend. I’m looking forward to seeing PhD. One thing for certain is that I’m glad we can talk things through and not be mad at each other for very long. I’d hate to arrive in LA and have her already be mad at me…