Red-Eyes and School Days

Well, I’m currently writing this post on a red eye back to NYC. This is going to be my life this year. Working and living on the east coast while my heart and mind is on the west coast. This year is going to be hard – financially, emotionally, and physically.  I already have some ways to combat these difficulties. My time with PhD this weekend was great. Even after our big fight last week before I went, our time together was rather perfect. However, coming to work directly from getting off a red-eye at JFK is a bit daunting. I wonder how I’m going to feel at the end of the day…

Do I think about BG? Yes. Do I still wish I could talk to BG? Yes. But maybe that’s not a good thing for me. Or BG. Or PhD. And it took PhD basically forcing me to choose between her or BG for me to finally let BG go. I haven’t let myself get over BG in the last year+. And honestly, every time I did hang out with BG I would think about why we couldn’t be together. And want to be with her. Because I am attracted to her. Even after everything. Therefore, I wasn’t over her. I never wanted to admit it to anyone. Not even myself. Because I felt stupid for feeling this way. Stupid because I could have had all of that with BG. So, yes it’s a good thing I’m not in contact with her anymore.

Two of the 6 steps on how to get over an ex are “no contact” and “no friending”. I thought I could be the exception to these unspoken rules. I really thought I could. But now I realize, it’s imperative for me to have no contact and not be friends. At least for a good long while.  For PhD and me. I hate to think that I will never speak to BG again. I hate to think that she probably thinks I don’t want to be in her life, and that I don’t want to talk to her. But I had to make my choice. I hope one day we can truly be friends again.

I’ve been really enjoying the whole getting to know the West and East Coast cultures of the US. You can really feel the difference in the air and the way people carry themselves. I worked on my resume this past weekend. I hope that I can get a comparable private school job on the West Coast next year. Time will tell…

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