Another week has gone by. The end of October is upon us already. You can feel the change in the air. It’s getting colder and wetter in the area. I finally switched out my summer clothes for winter. I was quite productive today, finally getting my room organized since I got back from the summer. I had boxes sitting in my room from when my previous sub letter was in the apartment. Part of this big push is because PhD is coming into town this weekend. I’m excited to see her. It’s been a long two and a half weeks. Possibly a little too long.
I’ve been feeling really negative and depressed about our relationship. And really second-guessing it. I think that happens when I don’t see her for awhile. And it also might have something to do with the fact that I’ve been spending more time with BG. A fact that I have become increasingly more guilty about the more I spend time with her. I saw her twice this past week. Just more platonic hanging out time, but I still haven’t told PhD about any of this. These last two times were both one on one. And I’m convinced now that if PhD were to find out about all of this, she would dump me in a heartbeat. Which today I was thinking, would that be so bad? Even under threat of her breaking up with me because of BG, I still cannot stay away from BG. What does that mean? Does it mean anything besides the fact that I enjoy BG’s company? Even though I know our time has passed, I still think about it. I still think about being with her when I spend time with her. I think about what it would be like to be dating again. If it would be different. I wonder if we would be able to finally just be open with each other. Me emotionally and her physically. I don’t know. And I think these thoughts have been very detrimental to my relationship with PhD in the most recent weeks.
I know I should tell BG that I can’t see her. I can’t hang out with her because of all these thoughts. But I don’t want to tell her any of that because the fact is that I do want to see her. And I do want to hang out with her. I don’t feel like I have anything to be guilty about besides the fact that I am choosing not to tell PhD about any of this. But it is for the good of the relationship at this point. Maybe in time, I may have to tell her and deal with the consequences. I know PhD will be mad as hell. And probably will want to break up with me. And I will have another failed relationship under my belt. But for the time being, I’m just going to ride this wave.
“But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.”
Spent some time with BG and Co. this week. It was a little weird to be out with her and her friends, but very fun all the same. I knew everyone knew I was her ex. But they were very gracious and nice, so I was relieved at that. She asked to stay over because she was working in the neighborhood the next day. Despite my anxiety about it, I allowed her to stay over (not in my bed). I can’t say no to this woman. I feel like she knows this and may use it to her advantage once in awhile. This weekend really brought back memories of us being together. I was a little more than tipsy while I was out, although I didn’t do anything that I should feel guilty about. One of her friends said she was really happy to meet me, and that she loved BG but also knew I still loved her. And my dumb tipsy ass almost professed my love for BG, but I managed to refrain from saying anything reckless and irretrievable. I don’t know how I feel about being in this gray area with BG. On one hand, I feel guilty for not telling PhD about any of this. But on the other hand, PhD has shown time and time again that she can not handle any information about BG. So, for the time being, I’m not telling her anything. There’s really nothing to tell.
I’m having a hard time being in this LDR. (Clearly.) It’s hard to stay present in a relationship that is long distance and not in your face. It doesn’t help that PhD is pretty busy on the west coast. And the time difference makes it so that it’s hard connect sometimes. We try to do our best, but it often ends up that I have to stay up late for her. Frankly, I’m getting a little tired of it. What am I supposed to say? I’m sorry babe, I just have to go to sleep? I just hope that we are able to manage this distance and being apart this year. I hope it’s not going to be too big to manage. I don’t know why I’m feeling a little negative about all this right now. Maybe I’m feeling emotional about all of this because I’m bleeding.
Something positive today is that today marks my one month anniversary since I started going to the gym. I’ve made so many positive healthy choices for my life this year. I haven’t really seen much weight loss yet, but I have definitely seen an increase in my stamina and energy. I can see some definition happening in my legs and arms. I’m even thinking about working out 2 and half hours tomorrow with my favorite teacher. I’ll keep you posted on that…
I’m back from yet another trip to LA. Had a great time with PhD. We spent a good amount of time in bed, but also out and about exploring new places to eat and drink at. I love new cities. I love exploring them. LA is just so MASSIVE. I feel a little overwhelmed when I think about what I can explore. I don’t even know what to start with. I am so sad that I missed a secret street art show by the artist Hanksy in an abandoned mansion while I was there. It’s a bit like NYC in that anything and everything happens there. Have a favorite artist? I’m sure they’ll go through NYC and LA. Have a favorite restaurant? I’m sure there’s one in NYC and LA. Things feel good with PhD. It feels like we are mutually interested in each other and invested in each others’ lives. And it truly is an investment at this point in time…
I’ve been talking a little more with LF and BG. LF more so than BG. BG hasn’t been too responsive, and I don’t wonder why anymore. I know why, but I don’t know how to fix it. It’s not fixable. I just have to accept it. And hopefully run into her once in awhile. And text once in awhile. LF is dating again (a guy), which is good. I’m happy for her. I hope this one sticks for her.
PhD texted tonight saying she needed a little space. Not sure what she meant. Women’s moods change with the wind. We had a great Skype chat earlier, she told me she had wanted to surprise me this weekend by coming here and even bought one ticket to get back to LA, but couldn’t find a cheap enough ticket to come here. She asked me to think about whether I wanted her to come, but later while I was working out she sent me a long text listing all the reasons why she shouldn’t come. So I was honest and said I would have rather her surprise me, so she was right that maybe this weekend wasn’t the best time to come. Then she said she needed space. Argh. And I can’t help but think that she had wanted me to say to come anyway because I really wanted to see her. And when I didn’t say that, it put her in a bad mood. Maybe I’m over thinking though. I do that sometimes. I guess we’ll see. Maybe I’m being narcissistic thinking that it’s me. I hate going to bed knowing that she’s not happy about something. But what can one do when you live 2500 miles from your girlfriend?
Tomorrow will make 6 months since I’ve had a cigarette. I will have also gained 20 pounds in those 6 months. I suppose I need to look on the positive side, which is I finally quit smoking after 15 years of it. I really am uncomfortable at my current weight. Extremely uncomfortable. It’s not like I’m super overweight, but I feel massive. I have been hitting the gym everyday, mixing cardio and strength exercises. I have cut back on sodas, chips, and juices. I haven’t seen any weight loss though. I’ve only been going to the gym for a solid two weeks. I want immediate results though. I want to drop the 20 in a week. That I guess would not be healthy. I’m trying not to resort to unhealthy means of losing weight, although it is tempting. I’ve never had body image issues. I’ve never been the skinniest girl in the room, but I was neither the fattest either. So I am grateful that I’ve had a relatively positive body image throughout my life. Until now…
In unrelated news, I have just found the best album I’ve heard inawhile. It’s a year old, so I know I’m a little behind the times, but for all you Mary J. Blige fans out there, this album will make you fall in love with her again and again. I also discovered that Erykah Badu is going to be in town in December, after dropping this song recently. I immediately went and bought a ticket to the concert. I debated on buying two tickets and inviting BG to come. However, I decided against that idea given that I am supposed to not be trying to have her in my life. I love finding new music I love. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack. A fucking treasure when you actually find something you like listening to.
A couple days after I wrote my last post, BG reached out. Not even with a substantial text. But I can’t even ignore a “hi” from her. It didn’t really result in any sort of continued texting, but it was nice to hear from her. I ended up going to the local lesbian bar in the city and ran into her tonight. She was with her crew, so we talked for a max of 5 minutes. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t hoping to run into her there. I don’t know why I keep wanting to have her in my life. Whether inadvertently or on purpose, but it’s hard for me to ignore her and ignore my desire to be in contact with her. Sigh. One day at a time I suppose. Two steps forward, one step back.
I’ll be spending the weekend with PhD. I am truly a bi-coastal being now. I’m looking forward to it because LA is going to HOT this weekend. And fall has definitely descended on NYC which is depressing as hell. The distance has been a bit hard for us. It’s hard to be separated. The time difference has also been pretty difficult. By the time I’m ready to go to bed, PhD is just starting to wind down from the day. I’ve been having to sacrifice my sleep. There are some days I just want to go to sleep early. But, I also want to stay up late to talk to PhD. I wish PhD could also sacrifice something. But I suppose that’s not how relationships work. It’s not tit for tat, as much as I would like it to be.