Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Tomorrow will make 6 months since I’ve had a cigarette. I will have also gained 20 pounds in those 6 months. I suppose I need to look on the positive side, which is I finally quit smoking after 15 years of it. I really am uncomfortable at my current weight. Extremely uncomfortable. It’s not like I’m super overweight, but I feel massive. I have been hitting the gym everyday, mixing cardio and strength exercises. I have cut back on sodas, chips, and juices. I haven’t seen any weight loss though. I’ve only been going to the gym for a solid two weeks. I want immediate results though. I want to drop the 20 in a week. That I guess would not be healthy. I’m trying not to resort to unhealthy means of losing weight, although it is tempting. I’ve never had body image issues. I’ve never been the skinniest girl in the room, but I was neither the fattest either. So I am grateful that I’ve had a relatively positive body image throughout my life. Until now…

In unrelated news, I have just found the best album I’ve heard inawhile. It’s a year old, so I know I’m a little behind the times, but for all you Mary J. Blige fans out there, this album will make you fall in love with her again and again. I also discovered that Erykah Badu is going to be in town in December, after dropping this song recently. I immediately went and bought a ticket to the concert. I debated on buying two tickets and inviting BG to come. However, I decided against that idea given that I am supposed to not be trying to have her in my life. I love finding new music I love. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack. A fucking treasure when you actually find something you like listening to.

A couple days after I wrote my last post, BG reached out. Not even with a substantial text. But I can’t even ignore a “hi” from her. It didn’t really result in any sort of continued texting, but it was nice to hear from her. I ended up going to the local lesbian bar in the city and ran into her tonight. She was with her crew, so we talked for a max of 5 minutes. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t hoping to run into her there. I don’t know why I keep wanting to have her in my life. Whether inadvertently or on purpose, but it’s hard for me to ignore her and ignore my desire to be in contact with her. Sigh. One day at a time I suppose. Two steps forward, one step back.

I’ll be spending the weekend with PhD. I am truly a bi-coastal being now. I’m looking forward to it because LA is going to HOT this weekend. And fall has definitely descended on NYC which is depressing as hell. The distance has been a bit hard for us. It’s hard to be separated. The time difference has also been pretty difficult. By the time I’m ready to go to bed, PhD is just starting to wind down from the day. I’ve been having to sacrifice my sleep. There are some days I just want to go to sleep early. But, I also want to stay up late to talk to PhD. I wish PhD could also sacrifice something. But I suppose that’s not how relationships work. It’s not tit for tat, as much as I would like it to be.



2 thoughts on “Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

  1. Congrats on quitting smoking. I haven’t mastered that yet. 😦 As for the weight gain, it usually happens to most people. I don’t know how much or the extreme of the strength training you’re doing, but just remember that increasing your muscles can cause weight gain. If it were me, I’d be measuring myself rather than weighing. You should see a difference in your clothes with the cardio. I’m not a skinny girl either, but maybe a bit overweight. As long as you are comfortable with the way you look, that is all that matters. I actually prefer someone with a bit of weight over a bony model. But that’s just me. If you’re strong enough to quit smoking, you’re strong enough to lose the weight that you want. Cheers!!

    Liked by 1 person

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