“But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.”
Spent some time with BG and Co. this week. It was a little weird to be out with her and her friends, but very fun all the same. I knew everyone knew I was her ex. But they were very gracious and nice, so I was relieved at that. She asked to stay over because she was working in the neighborhood the next day. Despite my anxiety about it, I allowed her to stay over (not in my bed). I can’t say no to this woman. I feel like she knows this and may use it to her advantage once in awhile. This weekend really brought back memories of us being together. I was a little more than tipsy while I was out, although I didn’t do anything that I should feel guilty about. One of her friends said she was really happy to meet me, and that she loved BG but also knew I still loved her. And my dumb tipsy ass almost professed my love for BG, but I managed to refrain from saying anything reckless and irretrievable. I don’t know how I feel about being in this gray area with BG. On one hand, I feel guilty for not telling PhD about any of this. But on the other hand, PhD has shown time and time again that she can not handle any information about BG. So, for the time being, I’m not telling her anything. There’s really nothing to tell.
I’m having a hard time being in this LDR. (Clearly.) It’s hard to stay present in a relationship that is long distance and not in your face. It doesn’t help that PhD is pretty busy on the west coast. And the time difference makes it so that it’s hard connect sometimes. We try to do our best, but it often ends up that I have to stay up late for her. Frankly, I’m getting a little tired of it. What am I supposed to say? I’m sorry babe, I just have to go to sleep? I just hope that we are able to manage this distance and being apart this year. I hope it’s not going to be too big to manage. I don’t know why I’m feeling a little negative about all this right now. Maybe I’m feeling emotional about all of this because I’m bleeding.
Something positive today is that today marks my one month anniversary since I started going to the gym. I’ve made so many positive healthy choices for my life this year. I haven’t really seen much weight loss yet, but I have definitely seen an increase in my stamina and energy. I can see some definition happening in my legs and arms. I’m even thinking about working out 2 and half hours tomorrow with my favorite teacher. I’ll keep you posted on that…