Riding the Wave

Another week has gone by. The end of October is upon us already. You can feel the change in the air. It’s getting colder and wetter in the area. I finally switched out my summer clothes for winter. I was quite productive today, finally getting my room organized since I got back from the summer. I had boxes sitting in my room from when my previous sub letter was in the apartment. Part of this big push is because PhD is coming into town this weekend. I’m excited to see her. It’s been a long two and a half weeks. Possibly a little too long.

I’ve been feeling really negative and depressed about our relationship. And really second-guessing it. I think that happens when I don’t see her for awhile. And it also might have something to do with the fact that I’ve been spending more time with BG. A fact that I have become increasingly more guilty about the more I spend time with her. I saw her twice this past week. Just more platonic hanging out time, but I still haven’t told PhD about any of this. These last two times were both one on one. And I’m convinced now that if PhD were to find out about all of this, she would dump me in a heartbeat. Which today I was thinking, would that be so bad? Even under threat of her breaking up with me because of BG, I still cannot stay away from BG. What does that mean? Does it mean anything besides the fact that I enjoy BG’s company? Even though I know our time has passed, I still think about it. I still think about being with her when I spend time with her. I think about what it would be like to be dating again. If it would be different. I wonder if we would be able to finally just be open with each other. Me emotionally and her physically. I don’t know. And I think these thoughts have been very detrimental to my relationship with PhD in the most recent weeks.

I know I should tell BG that I can’t see her. I can’t hang out with her because of all these thoughts. But I don’t want to tell her any of that because the fact is that I do want to see her. And I do want to hang out with her. I don’t feel like I have anything to be guilty about besides the fact that I am choosing not to tell PhD about any of this. But it is for the good of the relationship at this point. Maybe in time, I may have to tell her and deal with the consequences. I know PhD will be mad as hell. And probably will want to break up with me. And I will have another failed relationship under my belt. But for the time being, I’m just going to ride this wave.

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