I’ve had this particular blog a year now. Another Thanksgiving is soon to be upon us. A lot has changed since last Thanksgiving. But some things haven’t. I’m struggling to find words to what I’m feeling right now. I’m not really feeling content with where I am. I used to be content. At this point in my life, I don’t feel content. I wonder why. Is it the woman I’m dating? Is it the job I’m in? Is it the life I’ve chosen to lead? What is it?
Thoughts of BG have been strong today. I didn’t do anything with them though. I don’t even know how long it’s been since I last spoke to her. It hasn’t been that long, but it has if that makes any sense. I hate not talking to her, not knowing what’s going on with her, but I have to work on this. I have to work on moving on from her. I have to somehow squelch my feelings for her once and for all because they’re not doing anyone any good. Not me, not her, most of all not PhD. PhD’s visit was pretty uneventful, although there were moments again where I just felt unsettled with her. Like something was off. She was grumpy about me not being able to go out that Thursday she rolled into town. She got in at midnight, by then, I had already taught all day, tutored, and then worked out. The last thing I want to do is go out at midnight. She got pissy about it, which in turn made me pissy. That wasn’t a good start to the weekend. The next night, she brought up the question of “Are we good?” Her pieces of evidence were because I didn’t want to go out, my phone got a notification really late at night (random travel notification), and then I (in her eyes) wouldn’t leave my phone alone with her. Of course, I said we were good. Because we are. Just because we have some off moments, doesn’t mean we’re not good. Me feeling discontent has nothing to do with her. Me feeling like she doesn’t understand me and how to give criticism may have something to do with it. BG had lots of criticism for me but I never felt like she was attacking the core of who I was. With PhD, every criticism feels like an attack. Every negative comment stings like hell.
Right before she came this weekend, I was in tears (she didn’t know) because she had questioned me bringing her mundane plans up with my roommate. She didn’t understand why I needed to mention her in my casual convo with my roommate. She thought it was weird that I was “blowing up her shit”, and she said it in a way that I took as very negatively. Like I couldn’t have done anything worse in that moment. Elizabeth Banks was on TV when I was skyping, and I casually mentioned to my roommate that PhD was going to go see the new hunger games movie at midnight. I didn’t feel like that crossed any sort of personal boundaries. I didn’t know it was a huge secret that she was going to go see the movie. I didn’t understand what the big deal was. I still don’t. But I eventually got over it, even though I don’t understand why that was an issue.
I just need to continue to document these moments. I need a log of these because I feel like PhD and I have a lot of these weird non-meshing moments. Are all these moments worth giving up a tenured job and a nice apartment for? The time is getting closer and closer to when I have to start seriously looking for a job if I am to move. How will I know?
I’m in the middle of home report writing season… I’m sorta out of words for my own world right now. I’ve been busting my ass trying to get my work done because PhD is coming to town this weekend. We’re doing ok.
I meant to post this a long time ago. The desire to be close. That’s what I wanted but couldn’t seem to have with BG. Whether it was because we have a history or not enough time has passed… I don’t know.
It’s been a kind of terrible week…
After my discussion with PhD about her issues with me saying I love her too late, we then continued the conversation to her issues with trusting me completely. She brought up again that she didn’t trust me fully. And that she was my second choice. And that she was STILL insecure with our whole relationship. I got really upset about all of it. We’ve been dating for 9 months now. If she’s not secure by now, when will she ever be secure???
Then the next day, she asks me why I was upset about her revelations from the night before. And she didn’t seem to understand why I would be upset about anything. Another communication issue in my mind. Last night, she was in another bad mood and said she didn’t want to talk anymore. I didn’t say good night or good morning to her. All day I’ve been thinking about this. I went through my blog and discovered that I’ve been having negative thoughts since June. One great reason to keep a blog. The other recurring theme that has been in my blog posts is the fact that I consistently talk about BG throughout. Whether it’s about being friends with her, or not being over her, or wanting to be friends with her. It’s scarily consistent.
I haven’t talked to BG since last week. I’m embarrassed to reach out. I know what I was doing was wrong and sketchy. She had every right to be disgusted and grossed out by my behavior. I just don’t have anything to say for myself. And I actually did block her number for a total of 3 hours over the weekend. However, I couldn’t keep it blocked. It’s like I want to be available to her whenever she feels the urge to text. Not that she will any time soon I’m guessing. Of course I wish I were still texting her and hanging out with her. But I really can’t continue to do so in secret. And I guess I could have told BG once again that I needed to step back and not talk to her anymore, but I felt like that really wasn’t necessary anymore. I had dinner with LF tonight actually. PhD knew about this one. Although she later did admit that she was feeling anxious about it. Imagining that LF and I would re kindle things. It was good to see her, but I kept it short because I knew PhD would be wondering what was going on.
Needless to say, PhD is a very insecure person. This past weekend I asked her to go see a therapist about her insecurities. I’m hoping this will help. PhD keeps asking me if there’s something I want to tell her. I feel like she can feel something is amiss. Tonight I told her that she deserves to be with someone she trusts and is secure with. Her immediate question was, “are you breaking up with me?” Of course I said no because I’m not ready to break up with her. I just don’t know why I’m having such negative feelings about a woman whom I feel so good with when we’re together. I’m not going to make any rash decisions of course. But it’s something that is going to be on the forefront of my mind to be aware of from now on.
Do my relationships have an expiration date of 9 months?
Every time I think things are going ok between BG and I attempt to be “friends”, they fall apart. And maybe this is just what is destined to happen between us. A short reunion and then a complete cutoff. It’s happened over and over again. And it’s all because I don’t live up to her expectations. I guess I’ve never lived up to her expectations. That has always been her issue with me. I’m always falling short of what she wants to see from me even when we’re not dating. This time it’s about the fact that I’m not telling PhD about all the details of my interactions with BG. The only thing I’ve told PhD is that I’ve run into BG a couple of times while out. And I think at this point that’s all she’s needed to know. BG wants me to tell PhD that I’ve been speaking to her and hanging out with her, which I really don’t think she needs to know. I’ve gone down that road with PhD, and every time she’s been unable to accept that. And maybe I need to think about why I’m consistently jeopardizing my relationship with PhD for a friendship with BG. Maybe I need to block BG’s number because clearly I don’t have the self control to not text her back if she texts. At the moment, I haven’t reached out barely. She hasn’t either because she’s disgusted and grossed out by my lack of transparency with PhD (her words). It’s probably for the best. My current roommate and I ran into BG and her crew a couple nights ago. I was a little tipsy towards the end and admitted on the way home that I’m afraid that I won’t ever stop loving BG. And sometimes it does definitely feel like that. Especially when I see her and am in contact with her. Another friend told me that this is normal but usually people distance themselves from their past loves. I haven’t done a good job distancing myself.
To make matters worse, PhD told me last night that at the time when she said “I love you” to me, it broke her heart that I didn’t say it back immediately. And the fact that I waited a couple weeks before I said it back to her made her feel like shit, and it made it feel like it wasn’t real. It felt like it was forced. It really puts things in perspective since I was waiting because I didn’t want to say it back immediately. I felt like saying it back immediately would make it seem like it was fake, and I just said it because she said it first. Ugh. You can’t fucking win with women. PhD is scared to death that I’m going to break her heart. Even last night she asked that I not break her heart. It’s putting a lot of pressure on me… I mean I’m not planning on breaking her heart at all. I can see a future with her. I want her to be my girlfriend and eventually my wife. I want to have a future with her. But her inability to feel secure in this relationship is really fucking with my head. PhD blames her issues on the fact that her exes treated her so badly. She acknowledged last night that this is her baggage she carries from her previous relationships. I get that. But at some point she’s going to have to move past what her exes did to her.
We both had very vivid dreams last night. I had a vivid dream about BG. She had a vivid dream about hanging out with my exes. Ironic actually. My friend says that we often dream about things we have bottled up inside of us. I guess it’s a little true. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about BG anymore. My dream about BG wasn’t anything special. It wasn’t a dream about getting back together. It was just a mundane dream of us going places. PhD’s dream was about meeting my exes and having a threesome with one. Apparently they weren’t my actual exes though.
Maybe I need to be single again. Maybe I don’t know what I want. Maybe I’m not ready to be in a committed relationship. Maybe I will break PhD’s heart. BUT. She’s the first person I think about in the morning though. And the last person I talk to before I go to sleep. She’s treated me so differently than all my other exes. She’s actually been able to surprise me multiple times, and that’s hard to do. We’ve survived a cross country trip together. We’ve endured multiple Ikea trips together. She seems so in tune to me. She knows exactly how I’m feeling all the time. I can’t hide the fact that I’m upset with her. She knows me very well. It amazes me how well she knows me. I hate it when she’s upset with me. I should not fuck this up, but I’m really afraid I’m on the road to fucking it up.
First post in November.
2015 is almost behind us. I can’t believe that another year has past by. It hit me the other day that I have been broken up with my first major ex for 3 years now. Hurricane Sandy will always be a marker of that break up. We also haven’t been living together for almost a year now, after having lived together for almost 5 years. I don’t know if other people think about these kinds of things, but these are the things I think about. And reflect on. I like to think about where I was a year or two ago. See how different things are. See how time has moved forward, along with myself (hopefully!). I’ve moved forward (slowly). I didn’t think I’d ever stop punishing myself for screwing up two relationships at the same time last year.
I’m feeling better about my LDR. I don’t know why I was feeling so negative about it a week ago. Maybe because I hadn’t seen PhD for more than two weeks. She came to visit this past weekend. Halloween weekend. It was the first time she had been back here since the beginning of August. The weekend had a mix of going out and down time. A very good balance. We finally hit up a strip club we had been eyeing all summer long. I was actually quite impressed with it. The outside really does not do it justice. I got a little too tipsy that night, so thankfully PhD could drive home. We ended up going to just one Halloween party and dragging my current roommate along. We all had a ton of fun drinking and dancing. I was a little relieved to not run into BG at any party this weekend. Mostly because I didn’t want to have to pretend or act like I haven’t been hanging out with her. Not that I would have to really act any sort of way, but PhD is very perceptive and I feel like she could sense something. BG has a lot of power to blow my shit up with PhD right now. I’m trusting that she won’t because I feel like I know her well enough to know that she wouldn’t do that. I still am enjoying my time with BG. I like how we’ve been able to keep it in the present and not walk down memory lane. I’ve always believed and known that we could be good friends, but I knew that it would take some time on her part to forgive me. I’m hoping we’re at that point. I’m hoping that I can keep my feelings and attraction for her in check so that we can continue to be buds.
So after this weekend with PhD, I’m feeling much better about her and I. However, we’re not going to see each other for another two and a half weeks again. I wonder what I’m going to feel like after it’s been awhile. I need to figure out a way to not get so negative about the relationship when it’s been awhile since I’ve seen her. There’s only so much Skyping and texting and calling a relationship can handle. After awhile, you just can’t replace face to face communication. You can’t replace presence. You can’t replace physical intimacy, which is what I crave from my partner. And I’ve gotten to the point where I can finally be ok admitting it out loud. At first I felt like I was being needy asking for it. But after quite a few relationships under my belt, I know what I need from my partner. I like what I have with PhD. Clearly, the tides have changed a bit from my last post.